He's not even trying!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2009
He's not even trying!
4
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 10:25pm

Dear Dr. Shoshanna -

I would really appreciate your expert advice. My husband and I haven't had a good marriage since we first married, but been worse in the past year or so. We've been married for 2.5 years. I'm sure this is seems like a textbook complaint, but when we were dating he was so affectionate, kind, warm, and considerate. Now, getting a hug out of the man is akin to pulling teeth.

I am a very affectionate person, and I feel like I'm dying inside being in what feels like a loveless marriage. Maybe it's not THAT bad, but it seems headed in that direction. He needs so much space that it's like we're not even married. I've given him that space and worked hard on my end to meet his needs, but when I ask him to meet my needs (even SOMEWHAT!!), he responds with a phony "I'll try," or by exclaiming that maybe I should be with someone else because this is just how he is.

Help, please!! We've been in couples counseling for a while, and he's just not taking responsibility for anything. He thinks the world revolves around him. Thank you.

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 12:05am

Welcome to the board thestephanator,


Sorry you are going through this. Hopefully Dr. Shoshanna will get to your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Thu, 01-08-2009 - 9:43am

Oh Steph, you just might be my internet twin in this whole mess. I am going through something that is soooo much the same! Maybe we can help each other some.


I'm 28. My husband is 31. We've been married a little over 2 years. We have a good marriage (on the outside). Our friends, family, everyone we know wouldn't suspect anything to be going on. We don't fight, we have trust and take responsibility in our relationship, etc... About 2 months ago my husband told me that he's unhappy in our marriage. Its hard for him to put into words, and for me to understand sometimes, but basically he's not feeling 'in love' anymore. We started couples therapy about a month ago. It was a joint decision, so I'm so glad that he at least wants to make it work. Therapy is going very slow and not developing as fast as I would like. Since we've had this out in the open for 2 months things have gotten worse. He has now taken away his affection for me. I feed on his affection. I NEED it to feel our bond and love. I haven't read the 5 love languages book yet, but I kinda know which one I would be. Sex to me isn't about sexual desire and need, its about me feeling loved by him. He's taken sex away now too. It's exactly like you say ... he's not even trying! It's very very frustruating.


If you haven't already, I would ask if you could see your couples therapist for your own individual session. For me, I feel like I can't always say everything in front of my husband. I want to complain about him and his behavior, but I know it will push him further away. If you're alone with your therapist who you've been working with, then you should be comfortable to get their opinion on why he is withdrawaling from you and 'not trying'.


For me, I feel like I'm possibly facing separation/divorce ... now that might not be the case for you. I sure hope not. The more I read on this iVillage forum, the more resources and opinions I'm getting that help me cope. I want to check out some new books and websites. A few that I've found recently are ...


http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/


http://www.familyresource.com/relationships/building-and-maintaining


http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage.aspx


http://www.divorcebusting.com/


Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-08-2009 - 3:22pm

The world does not revolve around him and it's time he learned that. Some men become more like children when they get married. They are loving and affectionate when dating in order to win the woman. Then when they have her, they take her for granted and do not give. You do not have to live in a loveless marriage, which actually can also be called an abusive relationship. Build your own sense of worthiness, realize what you deserve and what is right, feel good about yourself and let him know that if this is not a mutual relationship, if he cannot give what is fair, then it is not a relationship you want. You've got to be strong. When he says perhaps you need someone else to meet your needs, well, perhaps you do.


Get yourself some good counselling to work on feeling deserving and making healthy choices for yourself.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2009
Fri, 01-09-2009 - 1:45am
I'm not married, but i was in a very similar situation as you are. When my ex was chasing me, he was the nicest man on earth. Then after he got me, he took me granted and not willing to give in