she read my blackberry, breaks up after!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
she read my blackberry, breaks up after!
10
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 2:26am

I was in the shower when my GF went through my BB and learned of an email exchange with an old friend (girl).
She read that I had recently had dinner with my ex-gf. I had tried to keep it professional by inviting my brother and friend to dinner as well. I was saying in the email that even though she was looking v v pretty, i knew that she wasnt the one for me. i began comparing my current with my ex in the following ways:
1) current understands me more, challenges me, makes me better
2) current knows her strengths and weakenesses, accepts them and deals with them better
3) ex is my nationality and a native english speaker, unlike current, so it seems like a better match, but i dont care about that (mentioned explicitly)
4) that i feel that my ex hadnt forgiven me yet but was looking to get back with me - but i definitely wasnt

now, when my gf read this, she said that she was gasping for air - i had not mentioned to her that i met my ex-gf and that i was comparing my current to my ex, to another girl altogether (my friend, who i had mentioned earlier).
she said that if i am comparing her, then in my eyes, she isnt the one. coz otherwise there would be no comparison (the perfect picture!)and she hated me for objectifying her like that to another person

i agree it wasa terrible thing to do, but who doesnt compare, who doesnt think too much when it comes down to the right guy/girl, and really, this wasnt like a pros and cons list i was creating.. then after seeing what ive written, why make this a big deal?

p.s. she did go through my bb last month and read about my other ex (separate girl) and that i was doing the same thing - comparing my current with her.. and she came out on tops again........!!

i dont get it. yes, i am a terrible person for comparing her again and again, but i am almost getting to the place where i will be certain that this is the gal for me.. why is it so wrong if i am comparing her to reach a realization point like that??

the only better alternative i can think of is, having the same conversation with her and keeping our channels open.. unfrotunately, she's not picking up my calls, emails, etc anything..

please help me ..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 5:56am

You're kidding, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 9:09am

Unlike sdlostorfound I don't see that you are cheating, not sure where that came from but maybe I'm mistaken?

I find it difficult to believe that you don't really think that you did anything wrong. What on earth would possess you to write to your ex-girlfriends and compare them to your current girlfriend? Yes normal people do compare but we can do it in our heads, some thoughts are best kept to ourselves. Your Emails are extremely tactless, both to the exes in question (if you feel they want to get back together with you, then why are you still in contact?), and to your current girlfriend who deserves not to have you do this behind her back. You must really think that since your girlfriend is the "winner" of these little contests you've set up, she should be okay with it. Well you've learned that she isn't, so you should have stopped. This could have been a good lesson for you on how to keep your girlfriend happy.

"yes, i am a terrible person for comparing her again and again"
"why is it so wrong if i am comparing her"
...Seriously? You actually wrote these two things in the same short paragraph.

You obviously didn't learn from the last month when she became upset about the same thing... You should have taken the hint. I'd say your girlfriend did the best thing by breaking up with you, giving you a third chance would probably not have resulted in you learning anything.

In the next relationship you have, I hope you can use this as a platform for what women DON'T want, and not make the same mistakes over and over again. You have to learn from your partner and treat them the way they want to be treated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 10:49am

Welcome to the board chibrad,


So if your girlfriend went to dinner with an ex without telling you, sent the same kind of email telling him how v v handsome he looked and compared him to you, you'd be ok with that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 12:09pm
I'm sorry to say that I totally get where she's coming from, but I think that if she felt the need to snoop in your Blackberry to begin with, then you likely never really stood a chance together since she obviously didn't trust you.

_________________________________________________


Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 12:20pm

Your girl friend feels betrayed and abused. She feels lied to, as you didn't tell her you were having dinner with your ex. That is a big event and she had a right to know. Trust is the basis of all good relationships. It sounds as though her ability to trust your honesty was broken.


Also, being compared, being talked about can be very distasteful. She hated having private information about her talked about with others, you gossiped about her. Once again, this not only broke trust, but made her feel abused.


She is not picking up your calls or emails because she no longer feels safe, loved or respected in the relationship. Having the same conversation over and over is not going to fix that. She would have to want to take a chance on you again, and you would have to really show her, prove to her how you could change, and not engage in this kind of behavior. Unless she wants to take that chance, this relationship is probably over.


Learn from it for the next time you have someone you care for.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 3:26pm
thank you v much.. you know, i never looked at it like this when i was doing it.
i was talking about my ex and my current to my roommate, not to my ex. but nonetheless, it was tactless and uncalled for.
ive got to ask her to give me another chance. i am a better person than this, and i will do whatever it takes to make it up to her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2005
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 4:23pm

For what its worth, I would be tickled pink to hear that I come out topping all ex's of my b/f.


The big baddie here is, you had lunch with an ex - that's a big baddie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 5:17pm

Hmmm, I don't agree with sending flowers,chocolates and what you can think of to try and make it up to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 7:37pm

When put in writing...comparing two people has an impersonal feeling to it. So she could have felt like a piece of meat. But..in reality we always compare people, things, places in our minds.


However...having lunch with the ex was a no-no..especially if you did it for an ego boost at your gf's expense. You fed your ego by stripping your gf of her selfesteem...a move that could indicate to your gf that you lack strength.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 9:56pm

By going out behind her back to meet an old girlfriend (I do not care how many people were there ) you hurt her.