women friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
women friends?
8
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 9:20am

I have been going out with

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 10:05am

This isn't about woman friends, this is about his ongoing "friendship" with his ex that he very recently wanted to get back together with and maintains a relationship with.

He's turning this around on you and making YOU the bad guy so he doesn't have to change. It's been causing a lot of harm to your relationship, I'm not sure if by "up and down" you mean it's been on-and-off or if it's been a dramatic rollercoaster ride, but neither are great ways to describe a relationship. I think it's time to stand up for your own needs and stop letting him treat you like you're the guilty one. His relationship with his ex is not healthy for your relationship, and your relationship should mean a lot more. They don't have any children, there is no reason for them to be in contact at all, especially him making solo trips 2.5 hours away to see her. He's not blind, he knows this is inappropriate but he wants YOU to feel bad for not being comfortable with it.

It would be erroneous to think their marriage is over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 10:36am

Welcome to the board vancouver2009,


I have to say I agree with secretlobster - your guy is still overly involved with

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 11:04am

I agree with the previous postings.


Emotional affair is worst than a physical affair,be strong and let go, you deserve better.


She sounds like she is extremely manipulative, wants indirect control of him.


She does not

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 11:48am

Hi there, Wanting to be friends

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 12:23pm

Each couple has a different amount of tolerance for being friends with an ex. You have to decide what is comfortable for you, what makes you feel safe in the relationship and respected. You have to set limits and boundaries about this matter. I agree that coming over to give him cooking lessons on New Year's Eve sounds over the top. It's not a matter of his not having women friends, this is his ex. He is in a new relationship and must regard your feelings as needs as a priority. If this kind of intimacy makes you uncomfortable it has to be respected. Let him know what would feel comfortable for you with regard to his having women friends. Be truthful with yourself.


We can love someone, but it sometimes is not the right relationship if our needs, boundaries and limits are not mutual.


Best wishes,

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 1:53pm

If he hadn't expressed a desire to get back together with her, then I'd be more tolerant of the friendship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 3:33pm
I agree it's too much. For one they have no kids together so I don't see the point in him driving 2.5 hours to see her. Him spending New Years Eve with her and not inviting you to come and then hiding it from you is a big red flag. My guess is there's still something going on between them, if not physical at least emotional or you would have been invited to join them. I consider them getting together on New Years Eve a date. I would seriously consider ending my relationship with him unless he stops going to see her and inviting her over for dates.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 7:38pm
He doesnt have female relatives or male relatives to help him learn to cook?