Facebook is not snooping, is it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Facebook is not snooping, is it?
7
Thu, 01-08-2009 - 8:13pm

My boyfriend got a text from 'a friend' while we were out. He said it was important so he called her and the girl had wanted to tell him she was having a child... he was super happy for her. Afterwards he told me it was just a really close friend and gave me her name when I asked.

Sounds fine, right?

He didn't know that I recognized that name to belong to his ex-girlfriend. I know this because of Facebook. I just browsed through all his friends and found one that said 'they dated' next to it. Is this snooping?

She had an open profile so i checked it out and realized that many of the stories he told me about him and 'his friend' were actually about them! Stories about the past but he never used her name when telling me just said 'a friend'.

She's the only girl he ever dated and he was deeply in love with her. She cheated on him multiple times and married the person who she had the affair with. He even went to their wedding. When he told me this a few months ago he sounded hurt and angry and never told me her name. He told me she videotape her affair and left it for him to watch. That's cruel.

But he was so nice to her on the phone! How has he forgiven that?!

He doesn't talk to me about his ex. He closes up says he'd rather not or that it's hard for him to open up. He's angry when he talks about people who cheat... yet he's so nice to her.

I don't get it.

We've only been dating 5 months. He's otherwise great. Treats me with respect, we have tons in common and share values. We have fun together and he's very affectionate.

The only other issue we had was that he didn't like how i had more experience than him. He's one girlfriend. I've had two and a one night stand. He was pretty upset about the one night stand. I felt judged. But how can he forgive that other girl and be mad at me? I didn't do anything wrong.

I guess i don't get why he had to call her on our date. Or why he's good friends with her. She hurt him. I don't know what to say. I'm very bothered by this. He'll think i'm weird for snooping on his facebook if I say i know he was talking to his girlfriend.

We're both so timid and polite that we don't really delve into each other's personal lives. I'm afraid he'll clam up if I push too much.

VW

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2008
Thu, 01-08-2009 - 10:46pm

Checking out his Facebook, IMO, is not snooping. His email on the other hand, that would be snooping. But, this is a public forum but even if he makes it private his friends can still see it so any little thing on his Facebook is for all eyes to see. Also, the definition of snooping is to pry into one's private affairs and if you're doing nothing wrong checking who his friends are on Facebook.

Why he still talks to his ex-girlfriend after all that she did to him is obvious: he still cares about her. He may still be in love with her but only he knows and you may never know. But, he definitely still cares for her.

He lied about her so that is a red flag. He obviously knows it would upset you so that's why he said she was a friend not an 'ex-girlfriend'. That's something you should be cautious of, if he's already lying just 5 months into how often will he lie as time goes on?

Your question about why he forgave her but was upset with you is pretty clear to me! He forgave her so that he could have closure which has nothing to do with you at all. He is one of those sensitive types that feels sex goes with love and it may just upset him that you could have sex with someone you didn't love. I really don't know and you didn't tell us what exactly was said by him when you told him about the one night stand.














Real love consists of only a few things: honestly, loyalty, and understanding. Within these can bring a love so powerful that nothing can break it.







3 years of bliss





3 years of bliss

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Fri, 01-09-2009 - 12:05am

Thank you for you well thought out reply.

Regarding the one night stand. He just became upset and sullen rather than saying much. He said he knew he shouldn't be bothered but he was and it was something he would never do.
You're exactly right, he is one of those sensitive types that feels sex goes with love.

It worries me because my last boyfriend was the 'sensitive' type and I always felt like I was reassuring him and being the strong one and he wasn't understanding in return. I also never thought I'd be the less prudish one in the relationship. To my other friends, I'm ultra conservative because they have WAY more experience... to him I'm the opposite. It's weird to be perceived that way.

It is good that he can forgive people and not be angry and bitter. I should focus on that. It hurts that he still cares for her. I'm admittedly jealous. They were together 4 years, I've only been with him 5 months.

I see potential but I'm wondering if maybe we are trying to hard and just aren't compatible. How do you know? Shouldn't it still be all lovey-dovey still?

The lying worries me. He lied about how experienced he was when we first met and now this is the second time. He's guarded. I don't know if that justifies it and maybe as he trusts me more he'll stop.

Thanks again for the perspective.

VW.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2008
Fri, 01-09-2009 - 11:40am

Its very simple - he is not over her yet, has not forgiven her and is repressing his anger about how she treated him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2008
Fri, 01-09-2009 - 2:12pm

I asked my boyfriend what he thought (I do this sometimes before posting so I can get a male POV) and he had a few ideas. About the one night stand, he says men that aren't as experienced as their girlfriend feel insecure and maybe a little inadequate because some men want to know they can satisfy their girlfriend. He may be nervous that you'll judge his bedroom skills. My boyfriend did say you should straight out ask him how he truly feels about your one night stand. Hopefully he doesn't secretly resent you for it because this could just cause issues later on down the road.

My boyfriend knew a guy in high school who had a similar experience with a girlfriend. His friend was with his girlfriend all throughout high school and she ended up breaking his heart, cheating, and stringing him along for a long time. Here we are about seven years since high school and the relationship ended and his friend STILL answers her calls, calls her right back when he sees he missed a call, responds to all emails, sends her birthday and holiday wishes, etc. He's married now and still keeps in contact with his ex. My boyfriend asked him once a few years ago why he would still talk to such an awful woman and he admitted that he still cared for her and his feelings for her were too strong to just let her go. It was his first love and, honestly, some people NEVER get over that first love.

You really need to have more communication with your boyfriend. He may be the quiet more reserved type but he needs to be more open in order to let you in.














Real love consists of only a few things: honestly, loyalty, and understanding. Within these can bring a love so powerful that nothing can break it.







3 years of bliss





3 years of bliss

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 01-09-2009 - 5:03pm

Welcome to the board fearing_ms.woolfe,


No I don't think looking at a public profile (Facebook, MySpace, etc) is snooping per se. But you are looking to learn more about him without asking him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Fri, 01-09-2009 - 8:06pm

I dont know much about Facebook because I have never been on that site but if it is a public site..then it is not the type of snooping that one should be angry about.


I think that you should be his #1 - at all other womens' expense - and his priorities are screwed up by talking to the ex while he is on a date with you and not only that, he's rude.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Sun, 01-11-2009 - 8:28pm

Thank you luvable_leah, I appreciate you asking your boyfriend for me! That's really sweet! I did ask him straight out and he was bothered but not to the extent I thought. He said there are numerous other reasons he likes me and it took him by surprise. It made him a bit insecure, especially since I am a few years younger too. He still doesn't like it the idea of a ONS but understands people think about that stuff differently. So yeah, talking about it helped!



Your second story scares me! Eek. I hope he's not that bad. I guess I'll never know how he feels in his heart. If his relationship with her prevents him from being respectful and 100% present with me then I won't be able to live with it. I'm not sure I'm going to address this one now.. something Chichiinme said really struck a cord.




Don't let past relationships (on both sides) come between what the two of you have together. Work on making yourself whole as a person and see where things take you.


I have been focusing too much on him and worrying about how he feels instead of working on for my own life. I mean, I'm still finishing university!



I do see a lot of potential here. It seems that the key to most people's advice was that we need to work on communicating. I want to know everything NOW to ease my insecurities rather than giving him a chance to explain himself and letting the things unfold naturally. I'll give us a chance to reach the point where it's easier to talk about that stuff. And if it's not within a reasonable time I'll ask for what I need to know. You guys have certainly helped me with my confidence.



I feel less jealous and more able to approach this reasonably. I guess I shouldn't expect to be the '#1' in his life right now. I mean his family and friends have been around longer. I just want to know that there is potential to be or that we're working in that direction. He is rearranging his plans to spend more time with me this week!



I've eased my guilt about perusing his Facebook. Glad to know open forums are free game. Though I am going to limit my checking his profile... I'd rather just get to know him the old fashioned way. It's less anxiety filled.



Thank you all for taking the time to help me with my query! I really appreciate it.