Waiting Game
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 01-10-2009 - 10:14am |
Hi again, I posted not too long ago and received some feedback, which was much appreciated. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=31855.1&ctx=512
My husband and I have talked some more since then and I just don't know where our marriage is headed. He has been seeing a therapist and is learning new things about himself - what he wants out of life, etc. I'm all for him doing this, but worry that I'm not going to fit with "new" him. So as it turns out he's not sure if the constraints of marriage are something he wants anymore. Says he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me, but wants to be able to do what he wants when he wants. I've never been all that demanding when it comes to his time. If he wants to go out with friends I've been ok with it. But since I just graduated from a nursing program, and we haven't spent much time together the last year and a half, I've been wanting to reconnect and spend time together. Sometimes I wonder if he is just rebelling because he's been used to just doing whatever while I was in school since I was always studying (he doesn't have weekends off so his days off would always be when I had papers and tests to prepare for). But I worry that it's more than that, and even he says he doesn't know what's going to happen. Tells me not to worry about it, which is really difficult. I know life will go on if it has to, but it's hard to imagine him not being the one I spend the rest of my life with. I'm really scared and feel like everyday is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Thanks for listening.

Unfortunately, it sounds like his mind is made up, especially if he didn't invite you to counseling to work on the marriage.
"So as it turns out he's not sure if the constraints of marriage are something he wants anymore. Says he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me, but wants to be able to do what he wants when he wants. "
And this is all because he didnt get the job he wanted because you were in school?
Not sure it stems from that or...he just wants to do what he wants to do..and doesnt want another person to get in his way in life. Some people dont understand that for some of us marriage means that you create a new life with that person...that the life becomes "their life" together.
I've brought up marriage/couples counseling with him several times. He's been hesitant - 1) already in counseling for himself 2) concerned that the therapist would take sides. I explained that they shouldn't and if they did take sides we would just
"I'd like to go to one of his counseling sessions, since this therapist also does marriage counseling, but I don't know if that's crossing a line. "
No, that's not crossing the line.
"It's like a midlife crisis, except he's only 34."
My first exhusband went through that at 30.
I feel like I'm part of a similar waiting game too. My husband is the one with cold feet in our relationship, says he's not sure he's "in love" with me anymore. Some days I feel like his mind is already made up, like he's got one foot out the door already and tomorrow could be it. It sucks and I understand the stress/anxiety it's putting on you! This is not what marriage is about.
We've been in marriage counseling, but it hasn't improved much (only 4 sessions so far though). Our therapist recommended my DH go to individual counseling. I think she wants him to find out more about himself and his wants. It's as if he has a choice to be made - stay and improve the relationship or leave. I hate that its even an option, but that's where we are right now.
Last week I decided to do what I had to do to improve my life as an individual. We're giving each other more space. I'm reconnecting with friends and making my own plans with the ladies. I want to start exercising, reading and taking up some new hobbies. I need to do these things to get my mind off of it occassionally.
I also picked up a book called "The Divorce Remedy". It sounds really cheesey, but even in the first chapter I can really connect with what the author is saying. Try getting something like this to read. You don't have to even tell your husband that you're reading it. It's for you only.
Don't base your life around his moods and desires, and whether he should or should not finally choose you. This is a terrible way to live and very bad for your self esteem. You decide what you want for yourself, what you deserve in a primary relationship. If he isn't up to being in a relationship now, then he isn't. You don't have to be on the hook waiting for him. If he can't meet you needs and standards then perhaps, too you, need to take space and focus upon starting a new life for yourself, one where you are wanted, cared for and respected. When you respect yourself others respect you as well. Let him know you are thinking things over as well, and have to decide what 'you" need and want and what would make you truly happy. And then do that. Honor your own needs and wants and take good care of yourself.
Best wishes,
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
Save Your Relationship: The 21 Basic Laws Of Successful Relationships
Change The Way Women Think About Men and Find Out What Men Really Think About Relationships
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.