I love him but I don't trust him?
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| Mon, 01-12-2009 - 1:15am |
Hello,
I'm kind of new to this board..I just found it and I thought I would give it a shot. I would appreciate any input into my situation.
Okay, so here's the gist of it...
I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and three months and most of the time he is a complete sweetheart. We have been living together for the past 5 months. We get along really well together even when we spend waaay too much time together, but lately things haven't been going so well. I likes to go out and party with his friends, which I'm fine with, but he does it so often lately I feel like I don't see him anymore. He tends to forget things because he gets really stupidly drunk sometimes. .. Sometimes when he drinks he becomes really mean. Not physically, but he called me up once to ask me a question and ended up telling me how I'm worthless. He didn't remember the conversation the next morning. The second night we moved in I was in the washroom getting ready to go out with our friends... when I got out he had already left (he told me earlier that he can't wait to take me and my friends to this place downtown).. and i got out of the bathroom and some of his friends were still there. They said he was waiting for me at the subway station so i ran there only to find my friends waiting for me. They said they tried to stop him but that he didn't even notice them. I tracked him down and he didn't even know where I had been. I left but he didn't notice. The next morning he didn't know anything was wrong till I couldn't even look at him.
For some reason I just let it go and then it eats up at me inside. Lately I have a lot of depression symptoms and I don't know what to do anymore. Two months ago he made out with a girl and then phoned me to apologize..then he got her on the phone to say hi, and when i yelled at him he called me a "bitch" and hung up. He didn't remember it in the morning.
After new years Its been getting worse. He started hanging out with some friends from school he hasn't seen in a while, and they party basically every night lately. They invite him out, and he usually goes. I texted him the one night to see if he was coming home and he didn't reply. I didn't sleep at all that night. I was always paranoid he was cheating on me. He came home the next day and said his phone was on silent so he didn't see the message. He tells me nothings going on with anyone but I get so suspicious. I went three days with almost no sleep and passed out at work.
He didn't remember making out with that girl and i only got up the courage to confront him last night and it didn't even seem to phase him that I was balling my eyes out. Every problem we have stems to alcohol.
I have lost so much trust, I don't know how to get it back. I feel like I'm making him out to be such a bad person in this post, but he really isn't. I love him with all my heart. I honestly have never met a man I cared about more and I hope to spend the rest of my life with him. But if I can't get passed the trust issues, I can't be with him. It hurts everyday and he says we will get through it together but I feel so alone. It just seems like it's one thing after another. I get paranoid and overanalyze everything. On facebook it says he's in a relationship with me, but he's looking for "random play". What does that even mean? I know what it means to me, but am I just looking for things to pin against him?
He told me in a text once that drinking is not worth losing me over, so he would stop drinking. Then I told him he didn't have to. This time he says he really thinks he should do what he said before, which is to stop drinking. I agreed. I can't take this anymore. That was last night. Now he asked me if he can have a drink at work, and I said okay (They get a free drink after every shift -- its a pub).. that I don't care about. But then he got a call from his friend that, might i add, is a horribly bad influence. He said on the phone to his friend that he can't get "horribly stupid" tonight (really drunk) cause he's not getting that drunk anymore. Then he said to me that he never said that he was going to stop drinking completely... he just wasn't going to drink with people he doesn't know.
Now I feel bad again. I am so paranoid. Please help me. I feel like I am being too controlling, but he has hurt me so many times emotionally when he has been drinking. It's like he has two personalities...drunk and sober. Sober I love and Drunk I would have left a long time ago.
...What should I do? I love him so much. How can I make it work?
Thank you for any help.

Why do you WANT to make it work? What do YOU want? You cannot have THIS PARTICULAR MAN and also have a loving relationship with trust. Which is more important to you? Because you'll have to let one of those go.
in_dying_days, not every man worth leaving is completely evil. If men didn't have ANY goodness to them, women wouldn't have a problem leaving a bad relationship. But there's some kindness and goodness that makes us stay, that makes us think "it would be perfect IF ONLY...", and convinces us that we can fix them and turn things around.
You are dealing with an alcoholic and it would be a mistake to think that it is either up to you, or within your ability, to change him.
"Then he said to me that he never said that he was going to stop drinking completely... he just wasn't going to drink with people he doesn't know. "
This is a statement made by alcoholics (with some variation) in order to stay in relationships while continuing to pursue their alcoholism.
Your biggest mistake here is pinning the possible success or failure of this relationship on how much you feel for him. The amount of love you have for this guy doesn't make him any better for you, it has nothing to do with how good a partner he is or how willing he is to get help. Your love for him exists in your heart alone, it cannot fix his problems and it cannot make this relationship work. He is who he is, he may have good traits but he also has some very, very bad ones. If you think that you deserve to be called a "bitch" or "worthless" or have a man who you cannot trust and advertises himself as looking for a random hookup... Then this is your man and you are stuck here. If you think you deserve better, the answer for you is not to continue investing your time in fixing something that is broken and wants to stay broken. It's to find a man who has absolutely no desire in his heart, whether drunk or sober, to treat you any less than you deserve.
So again I ask... What do you value more, a working healthy relationship or this man?
Welcome to the board in_dying_days,
For me alcohol abuse is a dealbreaker.
You need to run from this guy - fast and far. My ex had a job working at a restaurant/pub and while I'll spare you the novel about everything that went wrong in that relationship, after I (finally) had enough and broke up with him I vowed I would NEVER in my life get serious with someone who worked