how can i get him back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
how can i get him back?
5
Tue, 01-13-2009 - 10:21am

hi all - need your help!

i dated this amazing guy for 3 years and then we broke up but remained best friends and in the gray zone for the last 2 years. he knew that i was the one, was insanely in love with me and wanted to settle down. i wasn't ready so we broke up. over the past year as i have matured, have realized how much he means to me and how much i want him back. i opened my heart 4 months back and told him i love him and want to try to get back together. to my shock, he said that for the last year he has been getting to know another girl (he had told me before but since things never changed with us - we spoke 3 times a day, still hung out all the time, was "gray" - i never gave any meaning to this new person. he said that he was so destroyed when I ended our relationship that he thinks better for him to be with someone that cares more for him. he has been lying to her about our relationship. anyway, he said he can't risk him going back to the same place of pain and hurt so at this point, not willing to try. :(

i then very painfully decided that best if we are no longer in touch, to give him space and help me get over him. every few weeks something terrible seems to be happening in his life so he has reached out for help. i helped a few times, but then is so hard for me that i pulled back. plus he should be getting support now from the new girl.

he is going thru a very tough time now with a problem in his life. i have backed out and not helping as much as i could (i did in the beginning). it is so hard for me not to help him, i want him back and part of me thinks that if he realizes life without me and how in these tough times he needs me and how much of his emotional bucket i fill, he will be open to trying again.

he did tell me that the new girl is helping him too - clearly not enough.

please tell me, how can i get him open to trying again? should i continue what i am doing and not respond when he needs me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 01-13-2009 - 1:13pm

Welcome to the board rosie2009,


Seems to me that he's gotten comfortable having two women in his life at a time, in that gray zone and is ok with lying to the other girl.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Tue, 01-13-2009 - 8:02pm
He needs to get over his fear in order to reenter a relationship with you - so...if you wish to talk to him more about it - address his fears, how you contributed to hurting him and tell him how all of that would change or how you would handle things differently. Finally - he has to make a decision - you or her and you would need to remove yourself from his life if he couldnt decide.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Tue, 01-13-2009 - 8:15pm
thank you for your advice. i cut off contact a month ago, he has tried to ask me for advice but i never responded so he must be feeling pain without me in his life. do you still think i should contact him to tell him how i would never hurt him and have changed or is the no contact and not helping him thru his crisis to feel my loss a better path? thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Tue, 01-13-2009 - 8:36pm

If you really want him back, it won't be through the guise of "helping" him with his problems (are you sure you're not hurting him?). The other girl can't be expected to heal him completely. That's not her fault and not even a shortcoming. She sounds like a good person to try. That's all we can do.

Do you really want him back that badly? Are you SURE it's not because he found someone else? If you're willing to take the risk, tell him how you feel, say you made a huge mistake and that you're ready to commit to him if he is willing to have you. But don't do it through helping him with his problems while he dates someone else... Just come out and say it if you have to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2009
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 12:35am

I look at this alittle differently. First of all i'd like to know what you're helping him with. Because i've heard of alot of cases similar to this, by the time you want him back