How to offer support to my grieving love

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2008
How to offer support to my grieving love
4
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 3:19pm

I am in love with someone who is going through a really hard time right now, grieving a loss of sorts. When he is in this type of time, he withdraws and doesn't talk, isn't affectionate, etc. I find it really hard not to take his withdraw personally. I want to figure out how to support him through this, but it's very difficult. How can I be there for him but also take care of myself so that I don't get hurt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 4:19pm

You seem to know exactly how you can help him, it's just difficult for you to accept that he wants space because it's probably the opposite of what you would want if you were in his position.

He needs to go off into a cave to lick his wounds - There is a side of him that is vulnerable and untrusting. Perhaps with time he will let you in. For now, remember that we all have different ways of grieving and he needs to have his way accepted. It is enough for you to say "I'm here if you need anything, even just to talk". Sometimes it is less important to understand someone than it is to be understanding of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 5:24pm

Welcome to the board luv2dance74,


You can give him the space he requires.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 5:26pm

Giving someone space means you simply recognize that they are having a hard time, that it has nothing to do with you. Right now he can't be there to meet your needs. If you feel so hurt about that, you are not thinking of him, caring for him or giving him space, you are simply concerned with yourself and your own needs. Giving someone space means letting go of your own needs for awhile. Of course, if this goes on for a very long time, then it's something else. Grieving is different for different individuals. It depends who was lost and how they respond. You can decide how long you feel you can go without having your needs met. Then, after you feel it is a reasonable time, you can decide whether you want to continue with the relationship if he cannot be there for you, in a mutual way. But, which ever way it goes, do not take it personally. A deep loss can affect a person in a very unexpected way. It can be really hard to get over. The person may even need some professional counseling if it' goes on for too long. Find out more about the grieving process, educate yourself. It will help you deal with this difficult time of life.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2009
Sat, 01-24-2009 - 10:57pm
I do understand what you are going through. I have been seeing a guy that has a problem with depresstion. He is on all kindas of meds and also has problems sleeping. He tells me that he moves slower then most and not to think that he wants to stop seeing me, but he also needs his space. Sometimes the best thing to do is to give him the space that he is asking for. I find it very hard to respect his wishes. I just want to spend time with him as much as I can. But, i also know that it makes him think if he is doing the right thing. I hate just waiting around to see if he is going to call or not. Most of the time he has been working 2nd shift. This really makes it hard to see each other and it is really only on the weekends. And that means that I would only see him one of the nights not Fri and Sat. He has 2 more weeks of 2nd. Then he will be going to 1st shift. I know that when I didn't talk to him for about 3 days that just out of the blue he called and wanted to stop by on his way home from work. You just need to stay busy and find things to do. I clean a lot!!!! And I always have a good book to read. I know that it is hard to not get time with the one that you love and to spend as much time as you can. But I also know that we need to learn to respect what they are asking. All we have is time and it's hard to fill up all that time when you can't be with the person you would love to spend all your time with. Just hold on and try to find anything and everything you can to keep your mind off of things. Good Luck!