How to offer support to my grieving love
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How to offer support to my grieving love
| Wed, 01-14-2009 - 3:19pm |
I am in love with someone who is going through a really hard time right now, grieving a loss of sorts. When he is in this type of time, he withdraws and doesn't talk, isn't affectionate, etc. I find it really hard not to take his withdraw personally. I want to figure out how to support him through this, but it's very difficult. How can I be there for him but also take care of myself so that I don't get hurt?

You seem to know exactly how you can help him, it's just difficult for you to accept that he wants space because it's probably the opposite of what you would want if you were in his position.
He needs to go off into a cave to lick his wounds - There is a side of him that is vulnerable and untrusting. Perhaps with time he will let you in. For now, remember that we all have different ways of grieving and he needs to have his way accepted. It is enough for you to say "I'm here if you need anything, even just to talk". Sometimes it is less important to understand someone than it is to be understanding of them.
Welcome to the board luv2dance74,
You can give him the space he requires.
Giving someone space means you simply recognize that they are having a hard time, that it has nothing to do with you. Right now he can't be there to meet your needs. If you feel so hurt about that, you are not thinking of him, caring for him or giving him space, you are simply concerned with yourself and your own needs. Giving someone space means letting go of your own needs for awhile. Of course, if this goes on for a very long time, then it's something else. Grieving is different for different individuals. It depends who was lost and how they respond. You can decide how long you feel you can go without having your needs met. Then, after you feel it is a reasonable time, you can decide whether you want to continue with the relationship if he cannot be there for you, in a mutual way. But, which ever way it goes, do not take it personally. A deep loss can affect a person in a very unexpected way. It can be really hard to get over. The person may even need some professional counseling if it' goes on for too long. Find out more about the grieving process, educate yourself. It will help you deal with this difficult time of life.
Best wishes,
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