Confront or Confide?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Confront or Confide?
59
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 10:22pm

Hello all. This is my first post and I hope to gain a little perspective of my relationship.

Anyway, my boyfriend and I first got together over a year ago. We started out in a serious relationship, but after a couple months he wasn't sure if he loved me. He never told me he did and wouldn't make love until he was. Then after six months he grew distant. I confronted him about it. When I confronted him he said he had been thinking and wanted to break up. He confessed that he had been in love with a girl that lives across the country, but hasn't seen in years.

After the breakup I was left extremely hurt and confused. However, I didn't make any contact with him for four months. Four months after our breakup we ran into each other. He initiated that we remain friends, and I agreed. Since then we remained platonic friends, and hung out with each other at least once a week.

After three months of being just friends (nothing more than a hug) he told me that he missed me, and was in love with me. He told me he will never hurt me again. He has been wooing me since then, and we are back together.

My concern now is that because of the situation of our previous breakup, I'm so afraid that he will hurt me again. Right now I am away on a business trip for a month, and I'm scared he might cheat on me while I'm gone. He occasionally tells me stories about work, and last week when I was still home he told me the troubles of a female coworker (that I didn't know about previous to this) coming in crying about her bad relationship and him and the guys comforting her. Then last night he said that he and his roommate had friends and coworkers over, and that same girl was crying because of guy drama. My boyfriend told me that he and his roommate had to comfort her.

While I am gone my boyfriend told me that he wanted to learn to please me better and got sex books, said he is going to start working out, and just started working day shift instead of night shift (so when I get back we can spend more time together).

Now am I crazy to think that these things he's doing for me may be things he's doing for another girl, specifically the coworker? I never thought I would ever succumb to being the jealous girlfriend, but what should I do? Confront him of what I think? Let it go? Snoop around? Help!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 1:25am

Lavenderlilies, perhaps I'm missing something....because I can't see why you think he may be cheating. Comforting a friend is just what friends do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 7:58am

I believe that she has every right to feel upset. He has a history or reaching out to women innappropriately while in a relationship with her. He has already proven that he does this. The history is there. This is how emotional affairs start. He has a history of becoming emotionally involved with women. There are men out there that think as long

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 8:43am

Lavenderlilies,


I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think that your boyfriend has boundary issues. He has no good ones. I not telling you to get rid of him or keep him that is entirely your decision. But you do need to start talking about boundaries and what you will and will not put up with in a relationship. A good book that addresses boundaries and emotional affairs is NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirley Glass.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 1:05pm

Welcome to the board lavenderlilies,.


I can understand your fear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 5:42pm

I've leant a shoulder to a workmate and supported him. I don't see there's anything wrong with helping a friend.

I work in a female dominated workplace. We have one young male staffer who had girlfriend troubles and shared it with us in the staffroom and sometimes at the pub. The majority of the women offered their shoulders to him and supported him through the problems.

I don't see that he was unprofessional in sharing his problems with us. Nor was he inviting an emotional affair. We are all friends as well as co-workers.....and simply did what friends do.

It's not all about sex and affairs. Friendships can be innocent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 5:42pm

"This is how emotional affairs start. He has a history of becoming emotionally involved with women.There are men out there that think as long

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 10:00am

If everyone in the office (a group) buys this man dinner and gives him a card or whatever then as a group then that is perfectly fine and ok thing to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 10:42am
Thanks everyone for your input into my situation. It helps knowing my thoughts aren't completely irrational. Any thoughts or suggestions on what I should do next? I do love him, and want to be with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 11:45am

Start talking to him about relationship boundaries. Get the Book "NOT JUST FRIENDS" by

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 12:31pm

Hi FiveDiamondWife,


I just wanted to say 'Thank you' for explaining it way, way better than I did. It always helps to get it multiple ways from mulitple people.





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