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| Fri, 01-16-2009 - 11:05pm |
This is long, but please if you have time I could really really really, use all the advise I can get. Please read.. PLEASE.
My fiancee and I got engaged after about 4 months of dating back in March. Our relationship has always been a very, very, passionate one, basically fantastic love or terrible fights. We've had such wonderful times. I lived in Europe for the summer and he hated to be without me and followed me out and even helped pay for the travel. He's never played games with me, presued me from the beginning, travelled out of state to ask my father for my hand in marriage, and gives me wonderful love. We're both in our mid/upper twenties with degrees. I'm a professional who make good money, he owns his home, and other than a couple very fatal problems we are very stable. We had hoped to originally marry in October 2008. We changed this date because it was bad for both of our parents and our problems started catching up.
Lil History... (the bad part)
Our fights have been known to get out of control, and although I don't truly believe either of us are abusive by intent or nature, there was a series of arguments that emotions got so out of control it did end up getting physical. Usually he would say something or do something I felt to be so emotionally cruel or uncaring that I'd hit him, push or something and it'd escalate. Like for instance we were bickering while site-seeing in a big unfamiliar city at night and although it was a silly argument, I turned around and he had just left. He didn't return and had our backpack with all our cash, food, and metro tickets back to the hotel. I waited and looked and he never returned, I couldn't believe his utter disregard for my safety over stupid bickering. I went back to the Subway eventually jumped over the guard rails since I had no money for a new ticket. Right before the train came I saw him turn the corner... Completely enraged I threw food at him, hit him, and no one got seriously hurt but his shirt was ripped and he had bruises from me hitting him. This sort of scenario happened a handful of times. Neither of us have had physically volatile relationships before. But the pro's of our relationship made it worth working out and we have made many improvements. I attended counseling and studied on anger management, and he's set up some couples counseling.
A little about me...
I grew up very religious and my only other real relationship was a 6 year marriage ( I married a virgin) that ended about a year and a half before we met. My ex and I are still wonderful friends. I did have a couple short lived boyfriends after my divorce but nothing major until this. Also, I've been abandoned by my mother at 12 and have had so many troubling instances of people telling me they love me then hurting or leaving me that it has left me in a bit of a mess. My fiancee knows this, I acknowledge it, and have been working with counselors and spiritual groups to try and get beyond it... It's the root of my uncontrollable anger when my man, that I share everything with, hurts me. I have a low pain tolerance and get enraged.
A little about him...
He grew up religious until his late teens, then left and got involved with really promiscuous behavior for a few years then gave it up. He teaches snowsports for a living. He was a big partyer and pot smoker/ drinker but finished his degree and was willing to clean up his act to become more professional and I helped a lot when he fell for me. He's really cultured and a big traveler, which I love.
Big Life Changes
We postponed the wedding in favor of our parents and we realized we needed to work on us. But while in the process two life changing things happened. #1 Back in October I became pregnant. Obviously a big one... He and I both welcomed it... he really wants children. #2 Also back in October he got a major injury... and in a way that is very embarrassing on us.
His injury occurred after he came home much later than he promised he missed spending the evening with me like he had promised earlier. Finally when he came i was upset and he cooked for me. I could smell liquor on him from drinking with his brother. I didn't like the food being newly pregnant I was really finicky. He was offended and picked a petty fight. Finally I asked him if he even wanted to be there and he got up to leave. I went after him and told him to go into the house, I pushed him toward the door, and said not to go. Then I sat on the couch while he went someplace else in the house. I figured we were just cooling off. After a bit I went to go find him and found that he had gone out of my window and was down below in pain. I took him to the hospital with him yelling and cursing at me. He had broken his heel and ended up needing surgery and is still recovering.
He blamed the injury on me saying I didn't let him leave (even though we live together) and he thought I'd fight with him. I wasn't even near him, nor was I yelling, I was watching TV... thinking we'd cool off. Although his mother likes me for being a good influence on him, helping him drink less, and he stopped doing light drugs (pot) because I asked him to the rest of his family feels like this is my fault and the attitude is that he'd be best without me. I feel like I'm seen as a maniac or something. I see so much I've done wrong too and am working to correct my faults, I haven't been physical with him, and am doing much better with handling my emotions.
Right now and my questions for you...
The past few weeks have been much better. We've held off on all wedding thoughts and have been taking it easy trying to get healthy relationship. There are many goods, we cook for eachother, I'm much more domestic, we cuddle and make love, we talk about the baby and study up on being parents, we call eachother during the day to say I love you and the arguments we've had haven't ended in anything terrible. BUT THEN the real bad happened. We went to visit his father and stepmother (who I've only met twice) they informed us that none of his siblings feel we are good together and asked if we wanted to give our child up for adoption. I couldn't believe it. I left in a crying mess. I later wrote an email to his siblings telling them I would never give up our child, and received emails back claiming they didn't want that either.
This just barely happened and I'm still hurting and angry. Tomorrow is my fiancees birthday and I've planned some nice things for him. At the last moment he told me that he wanted to do a big get together with his siblings and his friends, that he wants to be happy. He wants me to come. I agreed because I know it's his day but I just don't want to. He's invited mutual friends so if I don't go it will look really, really, bad. Tonight when he came home he just got preoccupied with a war game and just ignored me. He called me earlier saying he wanted to spend time with me so I was prepared for that, and waited for him for awhile. Then when I got ticked and just went to do something else (the dishes) he came in. He wanted to spend time then but I felt really neglected. I said something snappy and he said I just stay angry regardless and just prove everyone right. He had to meet some people but I'm just left here feeling like crap, which is why I'm writing here instead.
It's like he wants me to go be with everyone tomorrow yet I realize I won't feel very welcome, it will be ackward, and on top of it he makes remarks if I have any irritation whatsoever that they must be right.
Should I go tomorrow?
Is his injury my fault in your opinion?
What are your thoughts?
Sorry so long... But help really is needed.

Welcome to the board tko16,
It's hard to tell you to go to the party or not. On one hand, since you aren't comfortable you shouldn't go.
Tko16, I am very concerned about you. Not because of the party, which is over now anyway, and stay or go, is only a blip in the long history of your life. I am concerned because your behavior is out of control, and you're about to bring a child into the world.
According to you, your fights with your boyfriend have spiraled out of control several times--you have hit him, pushed him, thrown food at him, torn his shirt, and left bruises on him. If you had done these things to a stranger, or if your boyfriend was less tolerant than he seems to be, you would be posting here about your weekend in jail. Your behavior is definitely abusive, and one of the reasons I say that is because you seem to feel that you were justified in your battery on this man because of his behavior toward you.
Do you realize that you look like a crazy woman when you do these things? Suppose one of your clients or one of your superiors at work saw you lose control of yourself like this--how would that affect your professional life?
Even more important, you are about to become a mother. If you think your boyfriend's behavior triggered some wild outbursts in you, just wait. NOBODY can push your buttons like your child. You are well on your way to becoming an abusive parent, because you feel that your behavior is JUSTIFIED. I hope you will continue in counseling, and even take anger management classes (rather than just reading about it) because it is hard enough being a parent without bringing along the dangerous baggage you are carrying.
Thanks geoteo (and everyone that has provided feedback)...
I think it's important to say that I don't find violence as a means of responding to stress of conflict acceptable, and this is why I went to counseling. My counselor is the individual who gave me anger management books and I did independent study through articles and health websites as well. I come from a history with this sort of problem although I myself had no pattern of acting violent in this way before. This sort of out of control emotion was new to me as well and had much more to do with me needing to deal with separate experiences so painful I had almost no tolerance left when hurtful things came up in this relationship and ended up very much out of control. The reason I gave an example of a fight is because I think it's important not to just judge one person. For instance he knows my past, and certain fears and has unfortuanately hit below the belt with the intent to be spiteful with the knowledge of what this would to do to me... well used to do to me because now I recognize what is happening and why it triggered me so badly and am dealing with it much differently. Violence isn't acceptable but it is just a more direct form of mental abuse which is just as painful.
I have confidence and am glad I saw my lowest points so that I can fix them to be better for my child. Do I consider my man to be victim? No. He has done thing that he knew would provoke situations that were out of control. Two wrongs don't make a right. We both are now working towards healthy conflict. And have made progress with moving beyond such bad problems. Inspite of this history I have hope in us to overcome it but I still don't know for sure.
>>For instance he knows my past, and certain fears and has unfortuanately hit below the belt with the intent to be spiteful with the knowledge of what this would to do to me... <<
Something for you to think about....
Change the genders in this situation. At no point can a man say "she pushed buttons which she knew would make me hit her". Even if she WAS pushing his buttons, he cannot blame her for pushing him over the edge.
The same goes for women. We cannot EVER blame a man for goading us into hitting them. If a man riles us that badly, the only option is to walk away.
I realise that you are seeking help and I applaud this. However, you cannot be fully free of violence until you accept 100% responsibility for your actions. It is not acceptable to place any blame on another person for you hitting them.