limp, staying married to keep my child

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2009
limp, staying married to keep my child
6
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 9:55am

(originally posted in sex board, but no response - need advice)

hello,

I'm new to this discussion board, but I need to talk to someone about this. my husband of eight years is losing his erections when I touch him. he has never (even before marriage) been very much into sex with me. our first time having sex he lost his erection and had to masturbate to reestablish it. he refers to having sex with me as "servicing the wife" so I don't get in a bad mood or on his case. he has always been affectionate verbally but withdrawn sexually - when we did have sex, he couldn't stand me touching any part of him other than his penis - his nipples, etc. were out of the question. he claimed to be too ticklish. he is not interested in my body in the slightest. its been hellish for me, since I have had other relationships with quite good sex involved, but since we have a child I've convinced myself that I can live without it. it used to be that he could climax with me when I stimulated him manually and he inserted himself into me. then he started going limp when he was inside me. then I did it all manually, but lately he has been going limp when I touch him - ie he can get himself rock hard, and then when I hold his penis he goes limp. he is russian, and engages in internet porn from that country and I don't know what he does on his trips there. perhaps he's with men? he's had a full physical, including ultrasound, nothing wrong. I don't want to deprive my child of his father, but there is only so much humiliation a woman can take. I'm not even wanting any sex for myself, the idea of being intimate with someone who is probably unfaithful is not appealing to me - but I don't want to end the marriage because I don't want my child split between two countries. he is a smooth talker and I suspect would lie his way through counseling. I need a strategy to keep it together to keep my child safe. please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 9:06pm

Sophiezee, you've certainly got a big problem on your hands.

Have you had legal advice regarding the custody of your child? I don't know US law, but it would surprise me if he'd be allowed to take your child out of the country without your permission.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 10:34pm

Welcome to the board sophiezee,


Consider contacting an attorney to find out your rights and what could happen since he's from Russia.





iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2009
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 7:13am
thank you so much for your responses. yes, I have inquired about divorce proceedings and custody arrangements, but that is all very iffy - depends on the negotiations. taking the child out of the country I didn't ask about, basically because my fear (which might be somewhat irrational) is that husband will take child illegally. divorce is a last resort. so far, I'm trying to focus on keeping the status quo without losing my mind. losing sight of my kid is not something I want to consider at the moment. I'll keep looking for options. thanks for your time, it really helps to talk about this to someone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 1:57pm
Is there any way you could gat full custody?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 4:01pm

If you really are concerned about your husband taking the child, do you think he'd be open to the idea of you taking a lover?

You could get love and affection on the side, while keeping your child safe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2009
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 9:39am
well, that would be great for me, but a sure way for a judge to rule against me if it got out of hand. he could just claim never to have agreed. nope, just stuck with it. no big deal - I'm sure lots of people have bigger concerns than that. for now, things are smooth on surface simmering underneath. when I have a chance to get out, when the child is older, I probably will.