Married and falling for another person..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2009
Married and falling for another person..
10
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 2:26pm

So here goes...


I met this guy at work about a year ago. Over the last 6 months we have started getting really close and forming a really tight bond and friendship with one another. We get along so well and have so much it common. When I am around him I get all crazy like being in high school again and I think about him all the time. This would all be so perfect except for the fact that we are both married. We have not had a sexual relationship in any way (we have kissed a handful of times) but I think we are both falling in love with eachother. We have not had a discussion of leaving our spouses or anything but I know that's where we may be headed. I feel so completely overwhelmed and I'm not sure of anything. This was not something I planned and I know that I'm playing with fire and probably will end up hurt in the end. Do these things ever work out? How do I stop having these feelings when I have to see him every single day? I'm so confused.


I know that alot of people may read this and just want to bash me but please if anyone has any advise

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 2:49pm

Welcome to the board gat0rgirl,


Affairs are the cocaine of romance and the two of you are already having an emotional affair. Would you be ok with your husband seeing you with this man or listening to your conversations? Or doing what you are doing with a female coworker of his?.


Are you ready to think about divorce, the pain of that and deal with your spouses anger, division of property, etc.?


Other iVillage boards that might provide more help:


Ending an Affair Support


My Affair Support


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 4:13pm

>>How do I stop having these feelings when I have to see him every single day? <<

1. you must tell him that the behaviour between the two of you has to stop. And even if you still have the feelings, don't act on them.

2. Then look towards what this affair is giving you. I'm a strong believer that affairs often happen because we are seeking something which is missing in our marriage. Look at your marriage objectively and try to figure out what you're seeking....and then focus on addressing that issue.

3. Is a transfer or a vacation possible? Provided you do NO CONTACT a break can help ease it.

And I strongly advise you seek the ending an affair boards. You'll get a lot of compassion (as opposed to judgement) from people who understand what you're going through.

best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 6:00pm
For the sake of both your marriages you need to get away from him before this goes any further and someone ends up getting hurt badly. I can guarantee you that this will end in disaster if you pursue this any further. Think of how you would feel if you found out that your H was doing this to you with another woman. How betrayed you would feel.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 6:40pm

First of all these infatuations can happen whether you are married or not. They don't necessarily mean that the two of you are meant for each other or even would be happy together. Chemistry and fantasies can be a powerful potion. The more important point is to look and see what it is that's missing or wrong in your marriage. When things are going well at home this is less likely to happen. Rather than play with fire and fantasy, focus on the person you're with now. There may be issues that have gone unaddrsesed, you may have both taken each other for granted. Get some good counselling for yourself and your marriage. Before you make such a drastic to decision to leave a spouse, it is important to give you marriage a really good chance. Otherwise, often, people just repeat the same patterns with someone else. There are a lot of people involved here, and a lot of pain can happen if you allow this fantasy to grow and keep going. The wiser, kinder, more compassionate thing to do is try to work out things at home first. If for some reason, you then do choose to leave your marriage, then you will be ready to start something new with someone else.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2009
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 2:01pm

I just want to thank you all of your insite and kindness. You all are SO right and I know that this has to end. I do really love my husband (honestly) and we do have a fairly good marriage. We've been married for almost 10 years now and have 3 beautiful children. I really don't think that there is anything really missing in our relationship (although romance is a little difficult with three little ones) I think I just really love all the attention I'm getting. It kind of makes me feel 17 all over again. However, I DO NOT want to lose my husband. All thats left really for me to figure out now is how to resist temptation because as I stated I see my AP everyday. This is so not what I bargained for...if only it could end as easily as it began. Wish me luck and thank you again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 3:19pm
Just keep in mind how devastated your husband would be and how this could ruin your family if pursued any further. Not to mention that this could lead to a nasty physical altercation between your H and this other guy. It is much harder for a man to get over with his wife sleeping with another man than visa versa because of their ego being destroyed. Many men can not get over it and will resent you for the rest of your marriage. I'm glad you came here before you made a really bad decision. Good Luck and think of the love you have for your husband and kids and the effect this would have on them if you making a foolish decision to cheat tore the family apart. You know you don't want that on your shoulders.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 5:10pm

Do they work out? 9 out of 10 time they do not, not only are you married but you work together (two strikes right off the bat). If they do it with you they will more than likely do it TO you. Cheaters are liars... if the didn't lie they couldn't get away with it, so how could either one of you believe what the other one says?

YOU are the only one that can stop this, if that is what you want, you need to grow some b*lls and do what needs to be done. Either leave your marriage, work on what is wrong with that (get counseling if needed) or get away from him if that means changing jobs then so be it.

It really depends on whether your little affair is worth more to you than your marriage and family. The only one that can make that decision is YOU. Put yourself in your husbands shoes, how would you like it? What goes around comes around eventually.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 7:15pm

>>>>All thats left really for me to figure out now is how to resist temptation because as I stated I see my AP everyday.<<<<<

It will continue to be hard to resist until you focus on your husband and try falling in love with him all over again. If instead of focusing on the guy at work, you spent as much time wondering what your dh was doing, what he was thinking, what might turn him on, being cute and sweet to him - your marriage will improve ten fold.

When you see the guy at work think about the guilt when your husband does find out, or when friends and family learn you cheated and label you a cheater for the rest of your life (even if they don't say it, you'll think they are), think about the months in marriage counseling dealing with the hurt you have caused your family for a little thrill and feeling 17 again, think about the spending your children's college money on a divorce attorney, custody schedules, child psychologists, negotiating child support payments, splitting Christmas and Thanksgiving, all the time you'll lose with your kids, think about what you'll be telling your children when they ask you WHY did all this happen mommy? Think about what you'll be teaching them.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2009
Fri, 01-23-2009 - 1:40pm

An update....


Yesterday I confronted my AP and told him that this has to end. I no longer will continue on this dead end road that only leads to hurt for so many people. He didn't take it all that well and told me that he loved me and I was breaking his heart (Truthfully my was breaking too). At the end though he did respect my decision and stated that he would not make this hard and

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 5:48pm

gat0rgirl, many folks here have BTDT. Looks like you had an EA with this guy. However you did a great thing by breaking it off and taking time off to reflect on this whole thing. Hopefully you can continue NC. When you do get back to work stay with LC. There are some great tips in the Healing Library thread on the EAS board that help. Stay strong and think about what it would do to your M and your kids if your H found out. There are some good books that help deal with this situation like "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, and "His Needs, Her Needs" by William Hartley that just hit the nail on the head.

While it will be very painful initially remember you can do this and you will. you just have to will yourself...

Good luck.