Are you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Are you...
58
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 10:40am

Are you as nice to yourself as you are to others?


Why?




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 6:42am

You've already got very good and true replies, Aurora.


I understand where you are coming from. But you know what? You want to be with the ones who appreciate the warts and your life journey, and who love you because you are you. Not because they love you for what they think/hope you are.


For every wart that you see, try to look at it from a different point of view where instead of an ugly stain it is a valuable mark. For every negativity, counter it with



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 6:48am

Aurora, it's okay to be the shoulders to cry on, but we have to limit ourselves to that and not become the takeoverers. As in, we become the problem solver, and we make things better. It's not our responsibility to do that - it's the responsibility of the other person. By taking over and solving their problems for them, we are not allowing them to learn and to grow, and we are only making it difficult for everyone to move forwards, including ourselves.


It's time to say "Stop" to all those negative voices. Just say. "Stop. Today I won't be listening to you" and go on with what you have to do. One day at a time.




iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 1:50pm

For every wart that you see, try to look at it from a different point of view where instead of an ugly stain it is a valuable mark. For every negativity, counter it with the positive affirmation.
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Thank you, Poppy. This helped a lot and I will try to ask and talk to the universe in that way. I think what threw me off a bit is I was having a bad moment or two and when people responded with positive tools without acknowledging the emotion, pain I expressed it hit my insecurity button. It is like cold water in the face.. unexpected and jolting.

It makes me hear you are wrong, you have no right to have these feelings. I think never having my feelings acknowledged is why I have allowed myself to shrink, shrivel and minimize myself from childhood onward. I think that is what delayed my recovery so long. My need to know I was okay; needing some work.. some refurbishing, but okay. It is the message again, you are not good enough. You are not measuring up. "What is wrong with you??" To hear, "I know where you are coming from" is like a comforting hug before the pep talk. It is like the oasis in the desert.

I don't know if I am at a different place or stage and need to stand tall or just the way my post struck people but I read other posts and hear the self-attacks and put downs and support the authors, commiserate with them and read others supporting them. But me??!!.. I am sending negative messages into the universe. It has always seemed like there are a different set of rules for me, an expectation of perfection which other people aren't required to follow. But then the wisdom of the posts seeps down and I get it. I get the data being given. I see and understand the wisdom.

I don't mean to insult anyone and I welcome the responses. I just needed to voice what my initial reaction was like. FWIW

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 4:06am

''

Judy

cl-ivhjude

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 9:26am
Aurora, I'm like you in that way. I need to have whatever place I'm in acknowledged before I can move forward. I haven't read the earlier posts so I don't know which posts you're talking about, but in general, if people say too many positive things to me, I just feel more isolated and alone. Makes me feel like they don't want to be with ME warts and all -- that if I put on a happy face and say everything is ok, that they'll like me better or something. Of course, what I know about that is that my mom was that way (not seeing who I really am, needing me to always be happy, etc.) so of course I tend to think everyone else is doing that to me, too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 11:43am

Thank you for your input. It is not important which post, if I could have expressed myself without referring to it I would have. It was not the post, it was not about the post, not really... It is about me!!
What I needed to get out was the black feeling inside. The post was excellent,on target, welcomed and very wise. It was what I needed to hear; to learn. Sometimes I need a jolt to get out of that self-pity potty chair. Kind of like the elastic on your wrist that you snap whenever an unwanted thought or craving hits.
It is me.. the way I react and those dysfunctional wires of interpretation which I am fighting to redirect. I was in an overwhelmed, jumpy in my skin mood yesterday. I probably wouldn't have written it today. And if I hadn't.. I wouldn't have learned from it; I wouldn't have grown.
((((rabbit)))) I agree with you. Sometimes all that positive praise can make you feel like you shouldn't be feeling what you are feeling. But you do and they are real. It kind of reawakens that feeling that others do not really know the real you and if they did, they wouldn't like you and wouldn't say such nice things. That you are unworthy of their praise. For years I unconsciously wouldn't let people too close to the real me; probably for that very reason. Now I have unveiled one more of my warts. :-} Your mention of warts just made that thought jump out at me. lightbulb moment!!!!!!!! I AM GETTING TO KNOW THE REAL ME!!! I am not defective... it is just a wart. I HAVE WARTS. I get it! Finally, I get it!! Thank you!! WOW!!!!!!!!!
The wonderful thing is that I expressed that feeling. In the past, I would be too afraid of offending or hurting someone's well intentioned advice and accept it as a fault and hold it inside. It would give even more power and strength to that self destructive internal part of me. I think it was a major big step for me.

I love the support I receive here and the avenue to express what I am feeling. The negative stuff cannot be reinforced or gain strength when I am called on it. I love you all for that. To everyone... ((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 11:54am

((((((((((Aurora))))))))))


In the eyes of God and for the universe, there's only one set of rules, and that set is the one that matters the most because it is based on love, acceptance and forgiveness.


You know that whole discussion about being whole and about finding one's other half in order to feel complete? Well, I don't agree. I think that we are all whole and complete. I'm not half a person because I am single and choose to be alone at this point in time. I'm a whole person, I am complete. Sometimes I feel a void, but that's because I need to work on an issue, or because I've not nurtured that part of me for a very long time. An empty stomach will feel hungry. An hungry soul will feel empty. Feeling empty doesn't mean we're not whole or we're not perfect or we're damaged. It means that there are parts of ourselves that need more attention and more love.


Sorry for digressing a bit here but this is what came into my mind when I read your post.




iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 12:11pm


I am a very positive person and vocalize it, when I am having a hard day or some tough moments and tell people they pass it by as if they didn't hear me.
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(((((((((((JUDY))))))))))

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I don't think it is negating what anyone is going through at all, I sense it is spending the energy to get to the next step in recovery, does that make sense?
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Yes, I think you are right on target as to why this happens. That is how I understand it in my rational moments. I am just not always rational. VBG. I am grateful that my need allowed you to voice these thoughts. I am always afraid that by voicing such feelings that the result might be that someone would feel reluctant to respond or voice their thoughts or steer away from me, and/or my posts either for fear of triggering such feelings or some other reason. If that were to happen we would not experience the ephiphany.. the growth that I have felt today. I am euphoric.

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Anyway for what it's worth I think that is what happens when we read posts. My apologies for not recognizing when you are hurting in the moment and not responding in the most effective way.
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No, no, no!! I think you are wise and very intuitive. You always cut to the kernal inside my posts. Often the nucleus is something I am not even aware I am expressing. This was such a self-growth moment, I can't even convey what a leap forward it was for me. I expressed my feelings, I acknowledged it publically without fear of showing my vulnerability for all to see. I am today like Helen Keller at the water pump. Do you know how HUGE that is for me!! I have warts.. that does NOT make me a reject.. it makes me human and real. I am just so excited over this. Ecstatic!! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU ALL!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 12:52pm
How wise you are. I know it will take a lot of effort on my part.. I see me definitely being a take over type. It is so ingrained. This is a big undertaking and goal for my next issue. Thank you.
Today was such a step forward for me and the mental excitement over my progress so positive. How often I've read and even referred to warts but to really understand the concept is amazing. Isn't it incredible how it is always what is right in front of you that you don't see?!!. I certainly wouldn't want to limit that growth and joy for myself or for others.
I didn't see what I was doing. I didn't understand how it limited me or others. I think this ole dog is beginning to get the idea behind the lesson. Now she just has to learn the trick. To learn the tools, the sequence and tighten the reins to disallow deviance. That, my friend, will be the challenge!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 6:44pm

<< I AM GETTING TO KNOW THE REAL ME!!! I am not defective... it is just a wart. I HAVE WARTS. I get it! >>

Yeah -- you and all the rest of us. Welcome to the human race. : )