One of our posters brought
I am just going to jump in with my first thoughts. I may then be able to sort my thoughts into what I really feel and think. This is a major obstacle for me. Fear. I think two of the definitions jump out at me at first glance. One is panic and one is terror but, I guess a third is also prevalent and that is fright. My understanding of my experiencing them is that I felt them in situations as a young child. A child often feels powerless and, in fact, is powerless in many situations. What then happens is whenever that form of emotion is experienced throughout aging it is associated with that initial experience. So, I have a pattern of overreacting emotionally to situations feeling that child-like powerlessness.
But I am not a child anymore. I am an adult. I guess I have to keep repeating that to myself until I believe it. In most situations, I am not powerless. I do not have to do what I do not want to do; what feels uncomfortable or threatening to me. I have a choice.
At this point what I do if I am not sure what to do; what I want to do or feel then I wait. I do nothing or at least I do not do what I am shrinking away from. Not until I can sense what feels right to me. Kind of a mantra of "If you do not know what to do, do nothing." It is the way I keep myself safe, feeling safe. A little off the subject, but I think I need to also do this when I have the impulse.. the urge to jump in and resolve a situation.. my care taking tendency. It is difficult. But I believe being aware of my "mothering" behavior is the first step to altering it. I hope so.
I think this is a great area to explore, Judy. I don't know anyone who hasn't got fears.
Since my dh's death I have developed panic associated with the future.
CO-CL to Stress and Women, Bereavement and Healing,
The most prevalent one for me is panic. It happens in a few different situations. The first is flying...I'm not a happy flier, yet I fly A LOT...LOL. I know that the fear is from not being in control (of course!). The other situation in which I get panicky is when I'm going somewhere or doing something new on my own. I panic before job interviews, before going to a new class, before my graduation...stuff like that. I'm fine once I get there but I have a lot of apprehension beforehand because I don't know what to expect (although I don't know why I NEED to know what to expect...I guess it's another control issue...LOL).
It doesn't serve me at all and does get in my way. Like capecod, I do some deep breathing and I also try to think of other things to minimize the fear. If I dwell on it, my panic increases.
It probably wouldn't have much affect on me at all if the panic didn't manifest itself physically. My heart starts racing, I feel short of breath, and get dizzy like I'm going to pass out.
On a plane, I close my eyes, take deep breaths, and listen to soothing music on my MP3 player. If I'm in my car driving somewhere, I roll down the window, crank up the radio, and focus on driving and thinking of other things.
''At this point what I do if I am not sure what to do; what I want to do or feel then I wait. I do nothing or at least I do not do what I am shrinking away from. Not until I can sense what feels right to me. Kind of a mantra of "If you do not know what to do, do nothing." It is the way I keep myself safe, feeling safe.''
For jumping in to ramble until it came together for you, it did very quickly lol, you're good.
I have come to the conclusion that I will never be the same person again because with his death he took a part of me.
''I have come to the conclusion that I will never be the same person again because with his death he took a part of me.''
Yes I understand and also think there are some deaths that change us forever.
Well, I think I'm a more at ease flier now after having to face THAT fear pretty regularly. DH has been a big help with that because he's able to explain every little bump and noise that happens...as well as instructing me in detail on the aerodynamics of flight...LOL. Probably more information than I needed to know, but it's his way of helping...bless his heart.
The other situations are still a bit of a problem, but I figure that if I keep doing new things and going to new places on my own, eventually I'll be more at ease with that as well. It's funny...when I was in my 20's I was fearless. I've been flying all of my life (Dad was in the Air Force) and doing things on my own forever, but it wasn't until I hit 40 or so that the panic started to manifest itself. I know it's all wrapped up with my control issues so as long as I acknowledge that and the fact that I'm powerless over much of it, I'll continue to cope with it day to day.
The last thing I would ever do is to stop doing those things that I love the most (travel, school, etc.) to avoid the fear. I really believe that walking through it and knowing I won't die from the "feelings" behind the fear are the best tools I have to fight it.
Oh, Judy. You and your great questions. Your ability to zone in on the kernal. Yikes!! I have to delve and ponder that iffy area.
Yes, I often regret and often wish I could be different. "If wishes were ...." Yes, I wish being safe wasn't so ingrained... so important to me. I yearn to grab life and live it!! On the other hand, I have gotten myself in such messes, quandries in the past by my impulsive nature. Trying to dig my way out, extricate myself is so difficult. Emotionally and behaviorally. One of the things I have been trying to change is reacting immediately and thinking before I commit to something that will raise my prickly quills later. So I think the two are interrelated. Probably I hesitate when I should jump and leap when I should pause. Yes, that sounds like the kind of reversal that is "me" .. my life pattern. I am thinking now I should leap when it is about me and living life to the fullest; pause and ponder when it is about someone else, taking on their stuff, their problems. Yes. I think that may be what I need to learn to do. Thank you for that thought. Now if you could just help me see that I need to do something to put these lessons into my behavior and that understanding them is only the first step. I know, a step at a time, a day at a time and recognizing your foibles is the most important part. I'm still feeling that tension headache from last night and frustrated at the task at doing the uncomfortable. Part of growth but tell that to my head and my stomach. VBS (very big smirk.. not quite a smile,.... yet. Thank you for helping me grow. ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))