HOW TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.. HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
HOW TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.. HELP
62
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 4:42pm

Okay, I need some help, advice and recommendations. Or maybe I mean clarification. Or maybe a lesson. I don't know. I'm that perplexed.

How do I know when I am trying to fix someone else's problem? I truely think I am confused as to what the difference is between sharing thoughts and ideas you have learned in your own struggle and when you are "trying to play" teacher. Is there one? I started a couple of responses today and cancelled them because I wondered if I was playing the "fixer" or just offering suggestions. Where is the overstep. I feel in a frazzled mood today. I think just as when I undertook addressing Boundaries, I haven't a clue.

Here I think some areas I see but a lot I don't. Is it that you must wait until someone asks you for help or your opinion? Do not interject or offer until then and certainly don't act on the impulse. Do not tell them what to do but maybe that is the time to share a similiar experience? I know I am guilty of "mothering". I see that. It dawns on me as I write this that it is yet another more complex realm of the Boundary Issue. So it is more of the same work for me. Should I just share my experience and not my conclusions? Or just empathize.
:-{{ Lost in space!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 2:26am

I think you know when you are trying to
fix someone else's problem when you get
too caught up in it.You sort of take it
on as your own then feel as though you
can fix it.
I learned this the hard way,I had a friend
that was having terrible problems with her
SO,and kept telling me she didn't know what
to do,so of course I tried to help by giving
my advice and opinion.This turned out to be
a mistake.Her SO was mad I got involved,and
she ended up doing the opposite of what I
suggested.I ended up caught in the middle,
we had a falling out,and it ruined our friend-
ship.Talk about a life lesson.
Now, I am very careful about such matters.If
it is a young person with little life experience
and they are facing something I already went
through,and I can truly offer some sound advice
to save them from headache,heartache,or pain
I will,but only when asked.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-14-1997
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 7:05am

Hi


I try to only state or write what I have done in similar circumstances. My experience is then something that the person can use or not, and since I have not given advice, I don't feel like I am directing the person's life.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 10:11am

I think you know when you are trying to
fix someone else's problem when you get
too caught up in it.
_____________________________________________________________

Thank you for your words. I think I have been doing that myself. :{
I am usually so careful but I have noone to talk to except these boards. I need to reapply myself. I've been slipping back into bad habits. Your words are very welcomed and I so needed to hear them. Thank you, Musher.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 6:36pm
I'll explain the difference for me between fixing and helping.

Judy

cl-ivhjude

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 9:06am
yes, it makes great sense. I don't know if I am that aware of the whole process. I guess that should be my first step. Making myself think about the time and effort spent on someone else's problem before I even think about getting involved. Thank you, Judy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 1:17am

Have you made any progress or had some more insight about this, Aurora?




iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 11:06am
No. I have to keep taking a step back and retracting words and reminding myself. It is so ingrained. I think it is a family trait. So this is a difficult one for me; almost feels insurmountable. Maybe it is not, but it feels that way. When Judy talked about her guideline of thinking of whether you are spending too much time trying to discover solutions to other people's problems, that really hit a nerve. That is me.. for most of my life. "Maybe you could do this.. maybe this would work, ... let me do this for you. It will free up some of your time and energy.. make your life easier." I am not living for myself.. I am taking care of everyone else. I tend to pick up a lot of tid-bits reading, on television, online and so want to share it in case someone is too busy working and/or other things. Why? To make their lives easier. Probably this is the way I seek to receive the "pay-back" of making a difference, helping someone. I have always felt we are on this planet to help one another. I do understand that we each have to discover the answer, the solution for ourselves and in doing so are so enriched. So I guess that fine line is what I don't get. It is like symbolism.. when I was in school I just never saw it.. got it. Now that I am older and, hopefully, wiser I see more of it, not all but more... it is a step. So now life throws this other cloudy issue for me to unravel and clarify. Boundries have always been a problem.. challenge.. for me. That has not changed. Thank you for your question and concern. It is a grey couple of days for me.. I will climb out and my attitude will improve. Just feeling on empty right now. Nice to have you back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 3:54am

''Probably this is the way I seek to receive the "pay-back" of making a difference, helping someone.''


Your comment got my mind to clicking away on this topic of helping someone, what in the world does that exactly mean.

Judy

cl-ivhjude

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2001
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 9:28am

Judy, first of all, why were you up so early in the morning?





 




iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 11:08am

No, this made sense. You always do. I think parenting is a great example. I know I made the mistake of giving my son what I felt I'd missed growing up. It wasn't conscious. Yet I made so many mistakes. I think a lot of us do, are meant to. That is what parenting is all about. You do the best you know how with what you know and sense.. what you have learned. Yet our children are not us and do not have the same needs, vulnerabilities as we did. Nor do they have the same futures. They will parent differently. They will live differently. And so the evolution continues.

In reality, it is about us not them in a lot of ways. Wow. I never realized... I knew and recognized that I gave what I never had and finally realized it was wrong.. he was not me, not the same as me. I just never saw the last part.. it was about me. Yikes..!!

Yes, I guess you are right. You are always so wise. We can cloud the issue and make it more difficult. We can encourage someone down the wrong path. I think it is kind of like asking for directions. Someone gives you directions but they know the way so well they leave out some part or confuse the number of blocks, street lights, or you misinterpret .. whatever. Or even worse, give you a short-cut. You follow their directions and end up getting even more lost. That has happened to me so many times. I get so frustrated at them and at myself. Yet it noone's fault. They tried to help and I tried to follow. Not exactly the same thing but on the idea. It is so hard to step back..to stay in the background. There is almost a compelling force in me.. maybe it is my ocd or maybe it is habit, probably both. It is just so difficult. It goes against everything I am and have been. I guess that is called stretching... growth and finding your best life. Noone said it would be easy. Thanks so much for your wisdom and understanding.

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