No wonder some girls are single!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
No wonder some girls are single!
14
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 7:26pm

Hi all! I'm not here to be negative I actually love this board! My best friend who's single posts here all the time! I'm actually happily married but I need to vent about a few things! Has anyone seen that new TV show called "hooking up?" I mean, no offense to the single gals out there but no wonder some girls are single! They pick on the little and stupid things and forget about the bigger picture! The guy can never be too tall or too rich or too outgoing or classy! Don't get me wrong, I don't think anyone should settle for less but I mean come on! My husband and I dated for 3 years then we got married will be 2 years next month. When I met him he didn't have much money and lived with his parents, he drove an old pick up truck that was falling apart, in fact, on our second date the muffler fell off literally and we had to drive back to his parents so he could borrow his dad's car...He also had lots of bills to pay and had not finished college yet ( he was 24 at the time). He had lots of things working agaist him but I didn't look down on him for it! I saw the kindness in him, the way he treated his parents with so much respect, the way he was so dedicated to me and put me first, how hard he worked at his job even though his boss was a jerk, how he didn't give up on school even though he worked 50-60 hours a week he still took night classes.
I gave him a chance and he just bloomed! Now, he's got a great job where he has 17 people under him and he makes a lot of money, he just bought me a car, we travel quite often. Life is good for us! I coudn't be happier! I realize that there are many guys out there that are not worth the time of day but please try to overlook certain things if you can...
Istead of looking for the perfect guy, look for a guy with potential and help him become the best he can be and he will do anything for you!
I hope this helps!

Lulubee

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 8:41pm

Those girls on Hooking Up are NOT typical of the average single woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 9:17pm

Hey thanks for the response! I agree with you! At an older age you expect more from a guy and a relationship than when you're younger...I guess my point was that there always seems to be reasons most of them very legitimate but some of them not so much. I do not view all single girls to be like the girls from hooking up at all...like I said before I have both married and single friends. My single friends have very exciting lives both professionally and dating. They are very successful and intelligent...In fact the other night I was talking to one of my single friends and we were joking about how if we were one person we'd have everything! I have a great marriage and she had the perfect career! We learn a lot from each other! I'd love to be more like her in my professional life...She's so driven and smart! She gets promoted so quickly and is always receiving awards and raises. Me on the other hand have a great guy who supports me but my professional life is like a train rack!

I think that women in general should just stop stressing over every little imperfection that a guy has and try to see the positive things. Granted there will be times when the positives will not be enough to make up for the negatives but you'll never know until you give it a shot! I met my husband at a very young age (I was 20 and he was 24) so it's not like I have a ton of experience dating except for the 2 guys I dated in high school and the guy I saw in college for 2 semesters, so I'm not necessarily an expert! Just thought I should share my feelings about the subject.
Thank you for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2004
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 11:04pm
No guy out there is gonna want to date a 42 year old woman that is on disability right now because she cannot work. I am always hurting and in the process of finding out whats going on. Gained 40 lbs since i quit smoking 7 months ago.. Thats what really bothers me..
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 4:38pm

Hmm . . . I think the second poster and you hit the nail on the head. . .

I'm 32 - I've BTDT.
I was engaged at 21 and broke that off.
Then I spent six years with a divorced man and two children.

Am I picky? I don't think so. LOL! :-) It's just at 32 I really truly know who I am, what I've accomplished and have a sense of self-worth that I didn't have at 21 or 25. And I date a LOT. I mean - lots of dates.

Why don't they get past the 2nd or 3rd date?

Because now I see red flags that I know aren't going to fit.

I agree on that 'living with mom and dad'. Yuck. Not going to do that. The idea of a 40 year old professional man living with his mutheeeeeeer is just - well - it's yucky! Giggle.

The guy that starts talking about marriage on the third date? Huh? This is a man in a death tail spin to get married and his only criteria is she breathes and her knuckles don't drag on the ground.

Let's face it . . . I want to be THE one. Not just someone on some pre-conceived timeline.

And when one realizes that it has nothing to do with being 'picky about men' - but picky about what WE DESIRE IN A MATE (because it really is about the woman - not the guy) . . . aha! Then all of a sudden it gets a lot easier to toss him back for a woman that he is PERFECT for.

Truth be told . . . the money thing isn't important to me. The education thing is. But that's for me. And only me. I would rather date PhD of Philosophy who makes peanuts than a Yellow Page Saleman. I think I would be quite happy with picnics in the park and a tiny house on the Finger Lakes. But that's just me.

Until I find that guy- I'm going to keep passing on the 'money' guys who are so quick to tell me what they 'have', the shallow guy who wants a pretty 'toy' on his arm, the salesman - yada yada yada . . .

Sometimes we aren't being picky - we just 'know' what's going to work for us - and how AWESOME and fantastic he'll be when he finally shows up! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2005
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 8:00am

"And when one realizes that it has nothing to do with being 'picky about men' - but picky about what WE DESIRE IN A MATE (because it really is about the woman - not the guy) . . . aha! Then all of a sudden it gets a lot easier to toss him back for a woman that he is PERFECT for."

Not so fast. I think the dating landscape has changed dramatically in the past 10-15 years, for whatever reason. Men are more afraid to commit given the divorce rate, and seem to have more options than ever. I would argue that it is not "about the woman" anymore, at least not as much as it used to be. You can't always have your cake and eat it too. By that I mean women can't just sit back and wait for a good man. Although I know this is a website for women, I can't believe the number of women who come on here and say how hard it is to find a good guy. Men have become pickier as well because they are just as afraid of marrying the wrong person. I would definitely tap the brakes if that is your reality...

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 8:38pm

What exactly is it that men are becoming pickier about...besides wanting a supermodel to be on their arm all the time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 10:58pm
hi...
sorry but I am not looking for a man with lots of money or perfect looks...what i am looking for is a guy who will treat me right,and not only out to get laid,then dump me ...HOWEVER I don`t see many men out there who fit those qualities!! That tv show is just that,a show,who cares about a stupid show.WHAT I DO see in the real world,is men abusing women,slipping pills in their drinks so hey can rape the woman later,children being molested,etc...waht I see out of tv land is men droppong women they love when they get them pregnant,denying it is theirs,guys screaming at their girlfriends/wives over nonsense,etc..of course not all men are like this..just most!too many!and i am almost 30,and MOST guys my age,are out drinking like idiots,hitting on women with stipid come on lines at bars,wherever,not my type.Alot of guys my age still live at home,and drink all the time and go out and get crazy with the guys,and most guys my age are only after sex,and that is all!I ahd a great guy for almost 3 yrs..but he decided hsi potsmoking friends were more important,and it seems he had a crush on a female friend the whole time turns out..umm just great...(he started calling her up after we broke up for good,so whatever,she don`t want him,she has a guy)she is a ditz,who doesn`t like to work,and needs a guy to take care of her..meanwhile i like to work fulltime,save my money,have great friends,not the type to sleep around,and volunteer on first aid and with animals..i guess iwasn`t such a good catch after all thsi time?those are the types men seem to want..i can`t tell you how many of my guy friends,are smitten with women who are point blank sluts,and have mental problems..then complain there are no good women..yet they don`t appreciate the ones like me and my friends...they should make a show about the real world...if i am picky,ph well,i don`t want some loser..by the way,as far as no wonder why women are single,it is simply because while soem women put up with jerks and marry them,others don`t want to tolerate the bs,so we wind up dumping the guy,or getting dumped because we didn`t put out by the 3rd date or do drugs.So when nosy people ask about my love life,i tell them i am too busy right now,and can`t meet up to guys expectations,since i am not one to sleep around or put up with abuse..yes,some good guys out there,I just havent dated one i suppose...perhaps i have some kind of radar that tuns men into monsters after sometime,i guess that is it...all my fault..there are soem nice cute guys that are attracted to me..but i just can`t really be bothered,if any of them do ak my out..i am saying NO this time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 10:01pm

Hi Lulubee,

I think you are absolutely right. I've been married for almost a year now and he's turned out to be a wonderful husband. I overlooked a lot of things when I decided to get married to him, like looks, height, money etc.

I'll never regret my decision, I'm sure.

Good luck to all the singles out there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 4:30pm

Aha - Mandel - I think you need to read Vanzant, A Course in Miracles, Williamson, Chopra to get where I'm going at here. ;-)

I respectfully disagree that I need to get a handle on my 'reality'.

The reality is that I:
1. Pay my own bills.
2. Have a accomplished a lot in the 'mundane'.
3. I have a firm grip on my 'esoteric' self.

So yes - it is all about ME - THE - WOMAN - who has to BE in the relationship. If I have to 'work' at liking someone and respecting them - it has nothing to do with him. It's all about me - see?

If I (because it's all about me) can't accept that perfect individual who is perfect as he is just because he's a child of the Spirit/God whatever one wants to call it then I need to let him go. It's not about him or anything he needs to change. He is who he is, good, bad, or indifferent.

The smart woman recognizes the 'whole' and says - for me? or not? And and acts accordingly.

BTW - I neveeeeeeeeeeeeer said that I wanted my cake and to eat it too! But I don't sit home on the weekends. I also don't think there is a man shortage. Sometimes when we open ourselves up to the possibility of a Zack (a 26 year old I go out with on occasion) or a Kerry (A 51 year old I date as well) and stop saying he has to "LOOK" this way or "HAVE THIS JOB" or "MAKE" this kind of money - we open our eyes to a world of possibility. Also - heck! I'm black/white/native. I don't have limitations on race. Scratch religion as well.

I guess my point is - that I know myself well enough and have been around the block enough times to know . . . there are very specific qualities and values that *I* want a potential partner/life mate to hold. I know that might not come in the 'ideal' package - so I stay open to what the universe has to offer. ;-)

I think a distinction needs to be made however.

This original post assumes that the BE ALL and END ALL is marriage. (shock - horrors).

Are there any single women here who are happy to be single? Women like me? Who have great lives? Who would rather be WITH THEMSELF than with someone they never really loved and just married to do so or because its the thing to do?

See - I'm one of those that will be AOK if I never get married. I've had two very ltr's. . . One where I lived in step for 5 1/2 years. I know the pain of marriage and children only with the option of the easy out. If it happens - that's great. If not - that's great too!

But the original post implied that we were all a bunch of desperate women in a death tail spin to get, find and keep a man. Yuck. Are we all accomplished women who have more to ourselves and by which to define ourselves than whether or not we have a diamond ring on our finger?

Avatar for barbrocks
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 10:40am

you got lucky... that's the truth.

I picked a guy with potential, and he never came close to fulfilling it. He lived with his mom, and had just lost his job of 10 years. He had high aspirations of getting a degree, or starting his own business. He swore he move out of his mom's house as soon as he could, and we'd have our own place.

12 years later, we were still roommates with his mom, he was employed a total of about 3 years, he started and crashed two businesses.

That's just the small stuff, too.

I agree, there are more important things to look at than height, looks and income. But, potential is often unfulfulled.

Barb

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