Absolutely Miserable

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Absolutely Miserable
5
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 9:22am

So I feel that it is time the I come out of denial and admit to myself: I am absolutely miserable. I've tried hard to be optimistic, to get out there and date like crazy, to not worry and have as much fun as possible, but no matter what I've done I still find myself lonely, starved for companionship and miserable.

A brief back story: I was in an 8-year relationship that ended horribly last Sept. when my ex, who at one time claimed I was the love of his life and wanted to marry me, fell out of love with me, cheated and then wished he'd never met me. He blamed me for his infidelity, admitted no wrongdoing and invalidated the entire relationship. We haven't spoken since. Devastated, I went through a mild depression an went weeks not eating, sleeping and having anxiety attacks. I got counseling and within 3 months, was well on my well to healing.

I threw myself into dating, getting on every online dating site I could, accepting every setup and meeting tons of guys. It was fun for a bit and I got plenty of dates, but one by one, things seemed to fall off with every single guy before they really even heated up and I soon found myself trying to get over the next guy and then the next guy. In fact, there were 4 guys this year that I was crazy about,felt a connection with and wanted so much for things to progress, but the feelings were never mutual. I kept getting hurt over and over.

By the summer, I got off all the dating sites and stopped persuing men. I did get an occasion date here and there but nothing substantial. Nothing that led to anything.

So that brings me to the now. I'm lonely. The nights seems to get longer and more alone and no amount of personal interests seems to take away the fact that I've experienced a great, wonderful love and now I don't have any of it. I have a lot going for me, a thriving career, fun friends, family, good health, I'm in great shape and only 4 classes away from completing my master's. But none of those things seem to really fulfill me. This ache inside me is starting to keep me up at night, give me moments of anxiety and stomach ache and I've become overly-sensitive to anything romantic. I can't even watch a romantic movie or anything featuring a happy couple. It hurts my stomach. I've become completely fixated on why I haven't found anyone yet and how is it that anybody has. It's in the back of my mind CONSTANTLY.

So I've tried to explore more interests but that seems to only be a temporary distraction, but when I come home at night, the thoughts come back. No one misses me, no one wants to here my voice, no one is trying to spend time with me and I crawl into bed at night, it is just me and the walls, unable to sleep.

I thought I was doing so well, being on my own (I live alone) and not in a relationship, but I'm starting to admit to myself that there is a huge void in my life. One big hole that just keeps getting bigger and no matter how I try to fill it with happy hours and girls night outs, my writing and dancing and the various random dates that I continue to get, it still remains. The pain is getting bigger again.

To make that worse, I just recently found out that my ex, is getting married next month, to the women he began seeing right after our breakup. They're scheduled to marry exactly one year after we parted. I'm trying to put it out of my mind, but it's really hard when I feel so alone and unloved.

I'm considering going back to counseling and I'm going to continue to try and keep busy to distract myself from my hurt. I just needed to get this off my chest.

Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 9:48am

i just wanted to say that I completely relate to you! I dont know if i can say I'm completely miserable, but I'm starting to feel like there is no one out there for me. I was in a relationship for 4 years (engaged) and my ex broke up with me kind of out of the blue. I dated someone seriously right after that (stupid) and i've pretty much been single since. I've had a horrible time with guys. The ones i like never seem to be interested or want anything serious with me, then the ones that like me I just feel no attraction to at all. Like you i have a great job, workout everyday, working on my masters, have great family/friends...i feel like i'm a good catch, but I'm dumb when it comes to guys. I guess stupid and naive could be words used to describe me with men ever since my ex.

To make it worse all of my friends are in serious relationships. It makes me feel really behind...i guess i feel immature that i'm still single which is stupid to feel that way. Not all of them are even happy in their relationships...but i cant get a guy to be with me for the life of me. Maybe i scare them away because i come across as needy...i think i have with guys i've dated this past year. I try not to, but i'm the type who has to know where things are going. I guess i ask that dreaded question of, so are we going to hang out again?

You sound like a great person so i would just chalk it up to timing. I think most peopel have been where you are and you will find someone. Maybe the key thing is to get happy while you're single (i know, easier said than done) and then life will be perfect when you do meet that guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 10:30am

You need to continue getting professional help for what you are dealing with, you cannot have your heart broken after a serious relationship and then just expect to date again right away. You have to deal with all of it and get through it, there's no such thing as an emotional band-aid, even some guy who might be a distraction for you right now will most likely not work out and leave you feeling worse.

It's been my experience that you can never date well unless you are a whole complete person, you can't depend on someone to make you happy. Right now as you said, you are feeling miserable and depressed and that is probably coming across to the men you've met since your break-up. It isn't a bad thing, but it just means the time is NOT right to try and pursue another relationship.

You just need to focus on yourself right now, you will feel lonely and feel alone right now and that's normal. What is bad is to try and susbtitute dealing with those emotions by finding another guy, that never works. Get the professional help you need, surround yourself with your friends and try to take up new activities and interests.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 10:50am

:( oh man I can totally feel your pain in your post! :( I wish I could just hug you!!!!

I can relate to a degree - I experienced what I *thought* was the love of my life 2 years ago. It ended over a year ago - and FINALLY ended (lol) 3 months ago. ALL the way up until 3 months ago I was in AGONY! But... something has clicked inside of me and I've finally started to move on and let go. I still feel the ache from time to time but it doesn't debilitate me now (or it hasn't in 3 months! :p ).

ALL I can offer is - HANG ON girl! it WILL get better and it feels like you are in the bottom of the pit right now but the old analogy is true - You only have one way to go from there - UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Two things I want to give you: 1) there is a song that just brightens my world during down times... and you might not like it - but the message is good! http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/clipserve/B000089RVR001011/0/104-7262123-7302303 WORDS: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/dido/seethesun.html
And also... this book is phenomenal; it's about SO MUCH more than the title suggests - I really think you'd be glad if you picked up a copy!! http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0425172287/qid=1123771736/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl14/104-7262123-7302303?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

Big HUGS to you and continue to post with us - it DOES help! :)
XOXO

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 12:06pm

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through, and can absolutely relate. While I wouldn't say I'm "miserable", I do feel unhappy with my life *as a whole* (although there are some parts I'm happy with), and being single is definitely part of that unhappiness.

I think in your situation, you jumping into the dating pool so soon after your breakup has a lot to do with how you're feeling now. I know that the first rejection I experienced after my marriage ended was *devastating*...MUCH more so than my divorce--even though I'd only been seeing the guy for maybe a month! It doesn't make sense, but I have seen it happen enough to friends and people on these boards that I know there's something to it.

So, I think you need to go back and start the rebuilding process again, and counseling is a good start. Hopefully you will be able to get the obsessive thinking about being single down to a manageable level.

What seems to be missing from what you wrote about your life (as it is missing from mine) is something (or things) that you are absolutely *passionate* about, as well as something that gives your life deeper meaning (which may be the same thing, or it may be two or more different things). I do have something I was passionate about (my business) but I've lost my passion for it over the recent past for a variety of reasons. I hope I can rekindle that passion, as well as find one or two other things to be passionate about. But I'm still in search of something to give my life deeper meaning and purpose...whether it's volunteer work or finding some spiritual path or what (I'm not sure yet what form this will take), and I feel like I've been focusing on finding a romantic relationship in order to fill that void.

Anyway, just some rambling thoughts...hope they help.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 12:39pm

Thanks, Sheri,

Your thoughts do help as well as the others. I was worried that someone would step up and accuse me of being pathetic for feeling like this so I'm surprised and grateful for the kind words. I may consider seeing my counselor again.

I think you brought up a good point about not having a passion in my life. For 8 years, my ex was my passion and our interests were intertwined so after the split (which was my doing) I felt like I was starting completely over. I'd started dating him right after high school graduation (I'm 27 now) and had never experienced adulthood without him.

I just thought that coming up onthe one-year anniv. of the breakup I'd better much further along than I am, instead and still hurting, while he's madly in love and heading down the aisle.

I guess I'll just have to find a way to feel 'whole' again without a man in my life.

Thanks everyone!