Listening to your gut vs. your heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Listening to your gut vs. your heart
10
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 12:48pm

Out of curiousity, wondering who has dealt with making a decision based on what they knew in their head was the smart thing to do versus what their heart wanted them to do. I'm speaking of dealing with a guy, a guy who seems great, but has some things going on and can't give you what you know you deserve and need but your little ole heart wants to stick it out and see what happens.

What was your situation, choice and what was the outcome?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 12:57pm

I had a situation last year that involved such a decision...met a guy online, went out with him a couple times, but he was just coming out of a long marriage, and had also been dating someone on and off during his separation...so he was not interested in getting into a serious LTR. Since that is what I want, I decided to be platonic friends with him and not get involved romantically, even though I really, really liked him.

I'm so glad I made that decision...he has become a great friend, but he did end up going back to his on again, off again GF and they are now living together (I've met her and she's cool with our friendship, which is great). It would have been *really* painful if I'd followed my heart and gone for the brief romance, instead.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 1:48pm
I won't get into too much detail since I have told my story of heart-break here before. Suffice it to say that I was deeply in love with a man who was not in love with me in the same way that I was with him. We broke up over it, got back together, and broke up over it again. We were incredibly compatible - I still have never met anyone that I got along with so well. But, in the end, he was not able to give me what I needed and deserved out of the relationship so we had to end it. I don't regret the experience but wish that I had not gotten back together with him the second time because I knew that things would not change. But I let that little kernel of hope run the show and it just dragged out what should have ended earlier and with less heartbreak.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 1:49pm

>give you what you know you deserve and need but your
>little ole heart wants to stick it out and see what happens.

It happened to me with a woman I once dated.

>What was your situation, choice and what was the outcome?

I will never listen to my heart again -- You will only have one abusive relationship in your life and I've had mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 6:14pm
I've found that my gut is always right and my heart usually isn't.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 9:51pm

I have a really, really hard time with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 11:14pm

I dated a guy right after coming out of a 4+ year relationship. We had amazing chemistry. It became apparent to me very quickly that although we dug each other on a certain level (well, mostly the physical one), we were absolutely not compatable long-term. He continually frustrated me, but I stuck it out. I think I was so screwed up from the last relationship that I was putting all this effort into making the new one work. I never really worked through my grief and I was not thinking straight. My gut was saying, sweetie, this is never going to work. My heart was saying, give him another chance (actually, my heart said this several times). And he was a freaking hottie, which complicated things further. So I ended up in a cycle where I would get annoyed with him and then talk myself into staying.

Then he dumped me. Ouch. And only a couple months after my ex had. So I was feeling pretty bad about myself. I realize I never should have gotten involved in the first place. Stupid heart. Really, nothing good came out of it. I feel like I'd be a lot farther along in the grieving process w/the 4-year ex if I hadn't dated him. The crap I'm going through now I should have been over with months ago.

I will say that the gut decision I'm making now is going well. I've decided not to get in touch with my ex, even though I actually need something from him (OK, and I really, really want to). I even stayed at a friend's house the other night so I wouldn't drunk dial him. It hurts a lot, but I know I'm better off. I think the heart and gut are both going to get a vacation while I take a short dating hiatus. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 12:32pm
Well, maybe I should consider myself fortunate because I haven't heard from him in a few days so it sounds like he went ahead and nipped this in the bud (or found someone else) so the decision is out of my hands. We were both upfront about what we ultimately wanted and it was two different things so not really sure where I thought it might have gone anyways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 12:39pm

>so the decision is out of my hands.

I don't think so katortott. You've made the decision not to "chase" him so it seems your head is in control!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 1:23pm

Thanks. Yes, you're right, I'm pretty okay with letting this one go even though he seemed interesting/fun and was a hottie so there's a little tinge of dissapointment.

Who knows, maybe I'll bump into him in the future. Even though Chicago is a huge city I've actually bumped into quite a few guys I've dated/hung out with at random places.
I've seen the guy I've dubbed "Mr. Flaky" (I posted about him a while back) twice this past week, once in a restaurant and then again on Sunday next to the lake. I didn't say anything to him either time though, he was nice but indeed very flaky.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 4:55pm
hey, i have been in a four year relationship and recently broken up and if there is one thing i realised it was that you should never doubt the gut feeling. As far as my case was concerned i had so much faith in our relationship and in him that my heart would not let me believe any different from what he said, so i ended up getting hurt more than one thanks to the presence of other women and me not listening to my gut feeling. the heart does lead you to make decisions that will make u happy for the moment but in the long run it is often the mind that helps. Although i believe a gut feeling is different from the mind, the gut actually is a kind of a warning signal, the mind is the decision maker. my advice is do not ignore the gut feeling as it comes up for a reason, only disregard it once u have good reason to, otherwise u end up feeling like a fool at the end!!