first love... first heartbreak?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
first love... first heartbreak?
9
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 10:55pm
i've been with my boyfriend, jared, for 2 years and he is absolutely wonderful. but, lately, i've been having feelings for another guy named liam. liam has admitted to having feelings for me as well, and after the two of us had been hanging out as friends for a while he kissed me. i've heard rumours that liam is a player who does this kind of thing to alot of girls, but if that's true, then i wonder why he would have waited so long to have kissed me and not done it right after i told him i was having feelings for him. also, when i saw him tonight, i kissed him and he pulled away and said that it wasnt right. so, if what these people say is true, then why would he do that? in addition, my boyfriend is like my very best friend and i dont want to lose that, even if i dont have girlfriend feelings for him anymore, i still have friend feelings. if we break up, then i will lose him as a friend and i dont know if i can handle that. i need him in my life, but he's told me that if we broke up that he'd need a long time away from me, but i think that the longer it went, the less likely we'd ever be to become friends. i just dont know what to do and this whole thing just makes me burst into tears whenever i think about it. i feel like i'm just going to hurt everyone and that i'm also going to get hurt no matter what i do. please help me. i dont know how long i can stand this pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 8:22am

lindsay loo...

Simple advice from Pianoguy:

If YOU are HAPPY with Jared....don't mess things up by dating, Liam. If you need to take a break and Jared doesn't have a problem with that---you can date ANYBODY!

Look! Just because another man pays attention to you (and believe me....that'll happen even more during the next several years) doesn't mean you have to respond! It's flattering for both sexes when they're "noticed"----but NOBODY can "sample every flavor of ice cream!"

Ask yourself what means more to you....a 2-year close friendship or the opportunity to become a "free agent?"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 10:33am

You have already set up a situation for heartbreak. How do you think your boyfriend would feel knowing that you kissed another guy? If you don't want to be with him anymore, then stop being so selfish and do the honorable thing. Let your boyfriend go so that he can be with someone who really wants to be with him. It stinks to lose a close friend when you lose a lover but that's how life is. The mere fact that he does not think that he could continue being friends with you after a break-up is likely a testament to just how deep his feelings run. Knowing that, and knowing that you don't feel the same way, means that you are just stringing him along and that's not right.

I am sorry that you are confused and upset, but you need to think about OTHER people too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 11:58am

>stop being so selfish and do the honorable thing

I agree completely. You are *USING* Jared. Before you even think of starting a new relationship you must end the "relationship" with Jared. There is nothing more to discuss. End the relationship with Jared and let HIM decide whether he wants to maintain a friendship with you. You are denying him that choice by keeping everything a big secret. You are not a true friend or girlfriend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 1:10pm
i completely agree that i am being a selfish bitch. i hate this, i dont want to be the person i've become, but now i dont know what to do. i've never broken up with someone before and i am just scared out of my mind. i feel awful about everything and i feel like i might just break down completely
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 1:53pm
If you really are in a bad emotional state, then perhaps you should consider seeing a therapist or counselor to help you through this time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 2:06pm
i definitely need a councellor, but i dont even know where to start looking for one. and i need one asap, because i'm not sure how much longer i can go on like this, i just want to cry all the time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 2:19pm

If you are in school, that would be a good place to start. See if they have a counseling center. If not, try calling your family doctor for a recommendation. I am also going to mention a few other message boards here that can hopefully provide you with some support and good information.

Take care of yourself. I don't like to hear people say things like "I don't know how much longer I can go on like this." It worries me. So please try to seek treatment quickly. You will be amazed at how soon you start to feel better. You won't be cured in a few weeks, but just knowing that you are getting help with some overwhelming emotional issues can make you feel better.

Anyway, here are some boards:

Breaking up is hard to do - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlbreaking

Depression support - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhdepression

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 2:37pm
it's really nice to know that someone cares. everyone else on this board has really just made me feel like a whore, and i already know that i'm a whore, so i dont need to be told that by complete strangers
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 4:12pm

Well, I don't think that anyone here has called you a whore that I can recall. But this is not a support board per se, it is a board where we come to talk about being single. I still think that your behavior has been selfish and that you need to stop it, but that does not mean that I am an unfeeling person. When you ask about people's opinions, you are going to get them and you should not ask for them if you are not capable of handling the criticism.

Good luck on the other boards - hopefully they will be more what you need since they are more support-type boards.