need some outside input

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
need some outside input
4
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 2:15pm

I have two interesting situations going on, but I will just ask about one for now just to get some outside input.

A couple of months ago I met this man at a friend's birthday. We got along well, but I was not thinking about him romantically. Before I left, he said he really liked me and wanted to go out sometime. I told him that I live out of town (8hours away) and it probably wouldn't be possible. He said he would come up to where I live to take me out. I told him he could if he wanted.

Since then, I have talked to him about once or twice a week on the phone. I feel very connected to him when we talk, and he is very comforting and seems to accept me for who I am. He is very considerate and nice to me, and sent me a huge bouquet of flowers on my birthday.

Some things that concern me are, he is 20 years older than I am (his wife died of cancer last year and his oldest daughter is only 6 years younger than I am), I think he might be an alcoholic (not sure, but he talks sometimes about when he has gotten drunk), he is really into guns and hunting (and guns kind of scare me), he has a much more sophisticated lifestyle than I do (I like the outdoors, beach, hiking, etc., he likes expensive toys and activities). Also, I have a strong belief in God and attend church, and he has a general belief in God and does not attend church.

I do not date very much so it is very nice to have someone treat me nicely and be somewhat interested. On the other hand, I do not know how concerned I should be about our differences. I have kept a little distant from him because I am afraid of starting to care too much about him and then realize it is the wrong situation for me to get into.

If anyone has any input about this, I would like to hear what others think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 4:32pm

Sandies,
I feel your pain as I am in sort of the same situation, with some differences.

But I say if you like this guy and feel comfortable with him, it oculdn't hurt to try it out.

He seems to really care and as for him talking about getting drunk, I doubt it means he's an alcoholic, unfortunately, there's no real way to know for sure till you get to know the person.

On the flip side, if you are having strong reservations, and even though opposites attract, if this is too many differences that it makes you feel uncomfortable, it may be best to go with your gut, if that's what you're feeling.

There are, of course, pros and cons to everything, and people are alwasy on their best behavior in the beginning, so I say what feelings are stronger: the feelings of romance or the feelings of reservation? From what you said though, it sounds maybe as if there aren't those feelings of romance from your side anyway, so I'd say if there aren't, maybe just be friends, especially if this is compounded with all the other things.

Sorry, just trying to provide a little what can hopefully be seen as advice, but I definitely need some of my own too!

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 7:02pm

It sounds like distance and lifestyle differences are what is keeping you on the fence.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 3:02am

Sandie,

I am going to sound like your mother, but you seem too young and inexperienced to date someone who is 20 years older than you are. I am guessing that you are no older than 22? However it’s no so much your age but your experience. It worries me that you say things like “seems to accept me for who I am” and “I do not date very much so it is very nice to have someone treat me nicely and be somewhat interested”.

I genuinely don’t believe age matters but it is relative and depends largely on the individuals concerned and their dating experience. A woman aged 30 dating a man aged 50 is different to a woman aged 18 dating a man aged 38. I am concerned (as condescending and insulting as this sounds) that you are too naïve and he could easily manipulate you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 1:32pm

Hal,
I guess you were right about me being too young and naive. I went on a date with this guy and he told his sister that I was too immature for anything to work out with me. Although I am much older than 22, I am definitely inexperienced with dating. Even though I know that this situation not working out is probably for the best, it still feels really bad to be rejected by someone that I felt a connection with.

Anyways, thanks for your perspectives!