signals - the mixing of

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
signals - the mixing of
14
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 4:50pm

Hey, y'all! I have a situation that is really eating at me, and I've been getting opinions from people, but thought I'd ask you about it too.

Ok, where do I start? You probably won't even want to read this once you see how long it is, but that's just how confused I am.

There's the guy I work with, he's 10 years older than me and doesn't have any kids, but does have something else: a psycho girlfriend.

To begin with, I never had an interest in this guy, I always assumed they were happy together and didn't think anything of us.

Well, a few weeks ago, he began majorly flirting with me, and I thought nothing of it, he's a guy - he flirts, whatever. But then I heard from friends who work with us that what turns out is a really dysfunctional relationship between these two was on the rocks, majorly.

I love my friends and they have always pointed out to me how oblivious i can be, as they say they noticed he seemed interested a while back and I wasn't even noticing how hard he was flirting with me. They even asked if he did break up with "it", would I be interested? It had never really crossed my mind before, but it was like I started seeing him differently and thought, yeah, that wouldn't be bad.

Anyways, he continued flirting big-time, and now that I was on the lookout for it, I did notice what they had - how he really stares and smiles at me and is always trying to help me, and then it made me think of times in the past where I'd be asking someone else and he'd all of a sudden be there, asking what I needed.

Then he and some people from where we work started organizing some other activities to do outside of work and he always wanted to make sure I knew how to get there.

So it definitely seemed like he had a crush, but he was still technically with her.

Well, whenever he's with her, he doesn't acknowledge me much and I haven't tried anything, but she's never liked me and when she heard I was going to these events, she acted really nice to me and while she had never talked to me before, started talking to me like we were best buds, and my friends say it was because she was trying to keep the enemy closer, which I suppose is true.

Okay, this is all I'm going to tell for now to see if anyone will even reply, then if I get more replies, I'll tell more of what's been going on since then, but basically, and I know it's juvenile, but I'm trying to figure out if this guy is interested. From what you've heard so far, does it sound like it? Sorry, but it's been giving me a splitting headache and I just had to unload it on some more poor, unsuspecting souls such as yourselves, but not all at once.

Thank you if you read this far,
Ariel

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 4:58pm

If he is interested, so what? He still hasn't broken up with his gf.

Until you can confirm that he has done so, I wouldn't think too much about it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2005
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 6:43pm
Exactly. If she's so bad, why is he still with her?
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 6:53pm

I personally wouldn't want to date a guy who flirts with other women when he's attached, therefore it wouldn't matter if he's interested or not.


That being said, if he were truly interested, he'd have broken up with "psycho" a long time ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2005
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 7:23pm

It's like that cliche when a married man says he doesn't really love his wife and they're not having sex anymore and they're only staying together "for the kids' sake". Those are all lines so you'll feel sorry for him and believe you have a chance.

But, really, he's a grown man. He has free will. So why stay with the "psycho"? That's another thing: they always make the wife/GF sound terrible. So, to the OP: do you really want to settle for crumbs and be his "other woman"? You deserve better than that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2005
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 12:46am

1st - he has a girlfriend

2nd - he has a girlfriend

3rd - why would you think for a moment that this guy wants anything from you.

Of course he is going to ignore you or not pay atention to you when he is with his girfriend - why you ask - because you are not his girlfriend - you don't have any right to expect this...

Now having a boyfriend ---- I don't think that I would be to happy with what you are up to..

Do you want to break them up? Do you want him to cheat on his girlfriend with you?

There is a different side to every story - he could actually love his girlfriend but also like the drama that he has created about her being difficult just so girls will feel sorry and like his flirtiness to you.... maybe he understands that woman the nurturers want to save men and keep them from harmfull psycho woman...

Whatever the case I feel sorry for you and his girlfriend - he sounds like a loser.

And if you think that if he leaves her and goes out with you and that he won't do the same thing all over again to you ... well I want to go live in that perfect world

Do yourself a favor and find a nice single guy who is nice and won't trash his girlfriend to all of his co-workers and friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 10:05am

Why do you care if he is interested? He is TAKEN - not for you. And the mere fact that he would be so gratuitous with his flirting while dating someone else means that he's not much of a prize anyway.

You wrote: They even asked if he did break up with "it", would I be interested?

When I consider that statement, maybe you and he are meant to be together. Do you really know this woman? You are seeing what he and others want you to see - it's beyond rude of you to refer to her in this way. Maybe you need to grow up a little and then you will be ready for a real man who will respect you. As it is now, you aren't going to get respect since you aren't giving it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 10:44am

Ariel,

It all depends on what you mean by “psycho”. I refer to one of my ex-girlfriends as a “psycho” because she was emotionally abusive. I didn’t even realise what was happening to me until close members of my family pointed it out. It’s difficult to comprehend and explain, only people who have experienced a relationship like it will understand. Maybe he feels trapped and is looking for a “saviour” and the LAST thing you want to be is his saviour! He MUST leave his girlfriend without any interference from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 11:26am
Hi Ariel,
I would really stay away from a situation like this. Getting involved with a co-worker is problematic under the best of circumstances, but I don't see any good coming from this at all. This guy MAY be thinking of leaving his gf and if he is, he's scoping out his next opportunity while he's still with her. Do you really want anything to do with a guy who doesn't have the guts and integrity to clean up his old mess before starting something with you? Don't let yourself be dragged into his crap.
JMHO...Chele
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 7:04pm

Thanks, everyone, for your responses - that's why I did it this way, I needed a swift kick in the ass. The thing about him and his girlfriend - they break up a lot and I know, that should tell me something right there, but my friends have said it's cause he's miserable with her and seems so much happier around me but I'm NOT going near him till I know she's out of the picture. And when I say psycho, I don't use this word lightly, she's already tried to hurt me once, so ding-ding-ding - another reason not to do this.

Just forget I typed this - I'm now at the point where I'm ignoring him and denying he exists.

Thanks for all the input!

Ariel

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 10:28am

some of these replies are harsh and make it out like you are seriously interested in being involved in some insane cheating/affair situation - whereas, it appears to me you are much more naive and innocent than manipulative and evil. The first thought that came to my mind was... if I had a boyfriend who stayed with me and yet I kept having to deal with and hear about him flirting with other girls and not really feeling like he was true to me - well *I* would probably break up with him but is it so crazy to think THAT is what makes her feel and look psycho!?!??! She's trying to hang on to someone who is a complete jerk! Her psycho-ness might just be a reflection of what a CRUMMY boyfriend he is!?!?!?!

Good luck - hope you can let him disappear into the background where he originally was before your "friends" tried to create some fun drama! :(

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