Are we sabotaging ourselves?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Are we sabotaging ourselves?
28
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 11:15pm

I sure hope I spelled that right, b/c I can't edit it!


I wonder...does the lack of excitement over meeting someone new sabotage our chances with him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 3:44am
This is so weird, because I've been struggling with this same thought for weeks now. I feel like I'm getting so jaded and I hate that because I want to feel the anticipation and giddiness too. With my last boyfriend (we dated for 2 months) I just was so aloof most of the time. He would always be the one who did all the "future talk" and I'd just smile and say "yeah, sure...let's see how it goes". I never allowed myself to get excited about anything for fear of being disappointed. Then after he broke up with me, I wondered for the longest time if I really pre-destined it by holding back.
So what do we do? I told myself that the next time, I've just gotta go for it and try to mirror the level of his enthusiasm then move it up one notch. I don't know how this theory works in practice.
Any thoughts?
Chele
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Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 10:20am

Shy,

I was just talking about this last night. I have had a rough couple of weeks and last night I just sort of got exhausted and crabby and started questioning my love life. It was spurred on by something that happened with a man that I see when I am in DC. I don't want to get into the story - it's complicated and pointless. But I realized that I have been seeing him and fooling around with my ex lately. Men who are not ever going to lead to anything serious. So then I started wondering why I have been doing that and I realized that I have been a bit burned out on dating lately.

I don't remember the last time that someone made me feel giddy or gave me butterflies and made me strain with anticipation before seeing them. At first, I thought that it is just the men that I have been meeting. And there is something to that. But then I thought that, to a certain degree, I have become a little numb. Not jaded, just a bit indifferent. So last night I put on some old jazz divas, poured myself some whiskey and sat around remembering how those ballads once made me feel. And, by the end of the night, I felt like I could reclaim my hope and my infatuation with the idea of love.

Yeah - I am a ginormous cheeseball. :)

I have been making the effort to date and meet men. Now I need to make the effort to actually be emotionally available.

So weird that you posted this. Are you a mind reader? Fess up!

Jules

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 11:01am

No, I don't think so. I have *become* excited about people I've met, but at the appropriate time. Being realistic before you meet and in the early dating stages doesn't mean you can't GET excited about someone.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 11:30am

shyone...

Pianoguy has another "male point of view which you'll probably HATE"....but since you asked the question....HERE GOES!

If a woman doesn't have at least 'a slight rush' about going out with a man who is interested in her and has gotten up the courage to ask her out....WHY DOES SHE BOTHER ACCEPTING OUR INVITATION IN THE FIRST PLACE? Not only is this a waste of her time, but also ours! Especially when we could probably find another lady who would like to be 'wined, dined and possibly pampered' for a few hours?

The biggest mistake many women make on a first date is trying to imagine a future life with a man who JUST WANTS TO ENJOY HER COMPANY FOR ONE DATE! Maybe it's a feminine trait, but it's a foolish one! Most men (during the first few dates) don't even think about 'sizing you up as wives' or potential "moms" for a future brood of rugrats. All WE want to do is get to know you....your likes as well as your dislikes! Within the first hour...WE'LL KNOW (BY YOUR ATTITUDE AND MANNERISMS) WHETHER WE WANT TO ASK YOU OUT A 2ND TIME!

Forgive me for picking on you, Shy....but if there's ABSOLUTELY NO ANTICIPATION on your side when a man asks you out....it's very possible you possess a FEW DEAD CELLS that need to be emotionally or surgically removed?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 12:22pm

"All WE want to do is get to know you....your likes as well as your dislikes!"

ROTFLMAO

I'd like to meet a guy who is interested in getting to know me and not just interested in letting me get to know him!

If guys aren't so excited about the woman they are going out on a date with that THEY have exciting thoughts about what COULD be... then WHY do we need to get all excited about them... oh THAT'S RIGHT... all the guy is excited about is a new lay... the excitement of how long is he going to have to wait and why can't women be JUST as excited about THAT aspect for the first couple dates - RIGHT!? STOP looking at it as a way to determine if we actually want this guy around after a those first FEW dates... he just wants to get to the date where he can poke ya!

Feeling rather lost thinks pianoguy has a few screws missing so he shouldn't really advise as far as whether shy's cells are alive!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 1:23pm

PG, I'm pretty sure Shy is referring to people she's connected with through a dating site online, so they haven't actually met yet. That's why there wouldn't logically be any rush, because while the person seems nice "on paper", so to speak, you don't know whether there's going to be a connection when you meet in person.

It's been ages since a guy actually asked me out in person, but I do seem to recall that there was more of a sense of anticipation then ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 3:10pm

feelingratherlost..

You might want to re-read YOUR response to my original post. You've somehow twisted the words around?

Would you mind answering one question for me?

Where did I say that MEN WEREN'T EXCITED ABOUT THE WOMEN WE ASK OUT? If there wasn't some sort of "excitement" connected to being in your company, what's the point of asking you out. Instead...you choose to assume our reasoning was a "male stereotype"----which isn't fair or kind!

Without bursting your bubble, I can think of MANY WOMEN I'd prefer "not to poke"---let alone HOLD THEIR HAND! "Poke" WAS the term YOU USED, wasn't it?

Sorry if I made you so defensive....but I kinda expected this type of a reaction from one or two ivillagers, when I responded to shy's original question.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 3:14pm

Sherri...

As always....you make PERFECT SENSE! Perhaps the 'on-line dating' reference was something PG missed while he was reading her original question?

Thanks for dealing with the issue with a rational, logical explanation.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2005
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 5:25pm

"If guys aren't so excited about the woman they are going out on a date with that THEY have exciting thoughts about what COULD be... then WHY do we need to get all excited about them... oh THAT'S RIGHT... all the guy is excited about is a new lay... the excitement of how long is he going to have to wait and why can't women be JUST as excited about THAT aspect for the first couple dates - RIGHT!? STOP looking at it as a way to determine if we actually want this guy around after a those first FEW dates... he just wants to get to the date where he can poke ya!"

Feelingratherlost, I think you are lost. Maybe you should do a better job of selecting the guys you go out with. Your bitterness is intoxicating!!

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 9:54pm

Not a mind reader...we just must have a lot in common.

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