Man needs some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Man needs some advice
8
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 6:04pm

This is very long but I guess the more information I give the better.

I am 48 years old, divorced twice. I look much younger than I am so I usually attract women that are younger than I am. I have two children that I have equal custody of. They are 4 and 5. I have been divorced about 18 months. My ex and I get along very very well.

About a year ago I met a woman. We’ll call her “J” She is 38. Never been married. We fell pretty hard for each other. In fact she told her mother before we met that “I am going to introduce you to the man I am going to marry”

We saw each other until January. Around the beginning of the holidays I started having some difficult times. I started worrying about my kids and was I doing the right thing. I had some guilt over my divorce. This was my first holidays away from the kids.

In January, I broke things off with J. I told her I just needed some time. I never made any promises because I did not know what would happen. I told her it was not about someone else, just that I needed some time. She was very, very hurt. She told she would have waited had I asked her to. Anyway in April I contacted her and we started seeing each other again. It was pretty rocky at first. She was very angry and she kept reminding me that she had not heard from me for 3 months. I explained that I was actually a better man now and much more prepared for a committed relationship because of the time I spent alone.

Around the first week in May we decided that we would continue our relationship. We always had a great time together. She started writing me notes telling me how happy she was that I was back in her life but that she was worried I would leave again. She said it was something we would just have to “work through”. We went on a picnic together and she took photos and she made a little DVD for me and at the end she wrote “This is not the end, this is only the beginning” We went away for the weekend together at the end of June for my birthday and had a wonderful time. She gave me a birthday card saying, “I have waited for you all my life”

I thought things were going really well. The only thing that hadn’t happened was her being reintroduced to my kids. (They both adore her and still talk about her even though she has not seen them since around Christmas)

Beginning of July she called me and told me she didn’t think she could do this and I asked her why. She said it was because of my kids. She also said that I didn’t have them we would probably be living together by now. She didn’t want to be a mother to them but she has told me many times that her biggest regret is not having kids. I told her that they had a mother and I was looking for a partner for myself. I also told her I am not opposed to having more kids. I talked to some friends and I offered her some solutions. I thought we could spend a little time together with them and if she still felt that way in 6-8 weeks then we would at least know we tried. I also asked if she would be willing to meet w/ a counselor that had experience blending families. She said no to both suggestions and said I really just want us to back off and be friends for a while. I said ok because I thought she really loved me. She still said that she did every time we said goodbye.

For the next few nights after this conversation, we went out together and had a great time. She was very affectionate toward me but we were not intimate. One thing that always seemed to come up if we talked about our relationship was that she didn’t hear from me for 3 months. She brought it up over and over again. I told her I couldn’t change the past, but I could change the future.

I didn’t see her for a couple of days after that so I called her and she did not return my calls. Finally we talked and she started to open up and it finally came out and told me she was worried about my past. I had an affair in my last marriage and she knew about it. We discussed the future and she told me that she needed some time alone to think. After a couple of weeks I was going crazy. I called her and after 3 days she sent me an e-mail saying that she just couldn’t be what I wanted her to be and that if I wanted to be in a relationship maybe I should start dating. I was very upset and I called and I said, “Why does it have to be all or nothing?” She told me she was very glad to hear that. She just wanted to be friends for right now and that she cared for me. She got me involved in the same exercise class that she does and I knew I would see her there. We made some plans to go out over the weekend and see a movie or something. She was always upbeat and friendly.

I called her on Saturday morning to make plans. She called me back and told me she wanted to pass. I was upset and I asked her why she kept pushing me away. She told me that she still didn’t feel the same way and that now even a friendship would be hard. I kept asking what could we do to bring things back between us and then she said she was not sexually attracted to me anymore. (I have gained about 15 pounds since we stopped things in January. I have since started exercising again and have lost it all and then some.) I don’t think this is true because she has always told me how handsome I was and how proud she was to be with me. I think she just waned to hurt me because I broke up with her. Again she brought up that she hadn’t heard from me for 3 months.

Anyway we said our goodbyes and I told her I loved her. That was two weeks ago. We see each other at least twice a week at the gym and she is always friendly. We work out next to each other. She was just offered a big promotion at work and I told her how much I respected all that she had done and how proud I was of her. She seemed to blow that off.

A little more about J. She is very successful and has a strong type A personality but she got implants a few years ago and they are pretty big. I don’t think people in her work take her very seriously and I also think most men look at her as an object. All her relationships over the last few years have been short. And I think it is because men see her as someone they just want to have sex with and then they get bored. None of them has looked past her breasts. (Sorry to say that but I am a man and I know how men think.) I don't give a sh** about her breasts. I love her for what is inside her heart and her mind. She challenges me and she has a fantastic wit. She is attractive but all that fades. She is the woman I want to grow old with.

I don’t know if I should move on or just wait and see if she is just angry with me because I left. I have being seeing a counselor and she told me that J has put up a wall and that I just need to give her some space. Be cheerful and maybe after I give her some time she will calm down and let me back into her life. My counselor always tells me to “Let things unfold”. I will wait as long as I need to but I am not sure if I there is any hope. I don’t want to start dating again. When I got divorced I went on Match.com and I probably went out with 20 women before I met her.

I know I am a great guy and no matter what I will land on my feet but I love this woman more than I can tell you. I want a life with her. Do you all have any advice? Again I am sorry this is so long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 7:37pm

Aristotle~ You say you want a life with her, but do you honestly think she wants a life with you? Obviously your children are a very large part of your life, and you said she doesn't want a family. She dosn't want that *blending*. Her not wanting that very large part of your life is a very big deal, and it may settle your questions of she and you ending up together.

In my opinion, You and J should remain friends. You seem to work better that way. Another piece of advice, the one you are meant to be with may not always be the one you are meant to marry. You can still be the best of friends with a person like that. Trust me.

I wish you the best of luck on which ever road you take.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 7:50pm
She wanted a life with me at one time. That is why I think it is her anger about me leaving that is the problem. Her mother actually told her that being with me would be the best of both worlds. She gets to be a Mom 3 days a week and has me all to herself the other 3-4 days. My kids are so young that in a year they won't even remember when she wasn't around. She wants children. I just wish she would open up her heart to mine. I think she would amazed if she did. They are great kids. Very polite and she loved being with them the first time around. She went out of here way to find things for all of us to do together. Plus I really don't think the kids have as much to do with it as she says but I do appreciate your input.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 8:14pm

Well, then it seems she has some issues she needs to solve for herself. Her not being with your right now is probably her way of working through them. Take it from another woman's point of view, we need our space. In time she just may very well come back to you for a relationship beyond friends. I hope so, you seem very happy with her.

As for your comment about her mothers imput, J is the only one who can decide what is best for her. She could have anyone and everyone around her coaching her on to be with you, but you can't lead a horse to water.

Again, best of luck.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 10:58pm

I don't know that she can be any clearer: she doesn't want to date you any longer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 9:59am

Thanks Megs-

I know that really does care for me and there will be a point when I will know whether or not we will ever have anything again. Space is what she really asked for back in July but I guess I didn't give it to her and with her back against the wall she felt that she had no choice.

I don't know, it may take her even going through another relationship for her to realize how much I care for her. Who knows where I will be at that point.

Funny thing happened the other day. J owes me some money from a shopping trip we did together at Costco a couple months ago. I teasingley mentioned it to her in an e-mail saying if it was a problem she could always make payments and she suggested taking me out for drinks to pay it off. I told her I would never get back into shape if I was out drinking all the time but the fact that she mentioned it made me realize that the more space I give her the better. We will still see each other a ouple times a week so we'll see what happens. Thanks again for your advice.

A

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 10:06am

Honestly, it is beginning to sound like to me that she is running you around. She comes to you when it suits her, it seems. She wants space, but then wants to take you out for drinks. There is a very thin line that is being crossed here.

You are welcome for the advice, anytime.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 2:56pm

I know what you are saying Megs and I appreciate that. That is why I think she is just scared. Plus I think she wants to see what I do over the next month or so. If I rush out and start dating then she will think I never really loved her. Like I said we have a terrific time together and I have always treated her with love and respect. Even when I broke things off in January, I sat with her and explained why I needed some time. I have always been honest. She is just too damn stubborn to admit she is scared I will leave again.

Sometimes the best things are worth waiting for. I just need to sit and be still and believe me that is the hardest thing for me to do. Men always want to fix things. We have a problem, we fix it and move on. Women don't work that way. Thanks again for your support.

A

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 4:25pm
No problem :)