Stuck in a rut

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Stuck in a rut
10
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 12:05am

I haven't had much luck in terms of dating in the past two years. Meeting guys is difficult for me, and I hate how some girls make it sound so easy to meet guys and get a boyfriend. I was talking to a friend about this the other day. She told me it really is that easy, when you let stuff go with the flow, and it happens when it happens. Here's the problem: I've been letting stuff go with the flow for about a year and half now. Nothing has happened. I suppose I could be more involved in campus activities (I'm 22 and in college), but I did the sorority thing for awhile and that wasn't for me, and it's like now when I look at fliers and things for organizations on campus, most of what I see is Christian/bible study type things. I live in the Bible belt. Those Christian groups don't really interest me, but the past week I almost forced myself to go to one so I could meet people. Then I went to their website and was like, "Forget this," when I saw pictures because I got the impression it was a bunch of cliques who already knew each other. I have no friends. Acquaintances, yes; but not friends. Some of the stuff I'm interested in have organizations with very few people in them. There are some other things that are fairly popular on campus that I'm interested in joining, but I just haven't had the time to look into. I work part-time, so that combined with the classes is kind of it. And I like my job. Not to mention I need the money.

Sometimes I feel like I'm throwing my life away by not making lots of friends while in college, because after I graduate I'll never have the chance to meet so many people like I had in college. Especially with the whole dating/boyfriend thing...about a third of the women on this campus are pairing off with men and getting engaged/married. What if I waste my life away and turn around at 40 years old and realize everybody has already paired off but the few desperate?

P.S. Please, PLEASE don't suggest things like "Maybe you should give those Christian groups a try, you might like them," Sorry but I was raised Catholic so a lot of Protestant ministry type groups think that's evil or something, not to mention there are like 500 Christian fellowship organizations here, and each one believes that THEIR religion is the best. They believe their faith is above all other faiths and yet at the same time claim to be so non-judgmental. That irritates me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 9:38am

Hun, you are twenty-two, that is still very young. Why would you want to have yourself tied down into a relationship where engagement or marriage were involved? You have your entire life ahead of you, and plenty of time to find a boyfriend, and even longer to find a husband. It seems to me as though you are rushing yourself, you feel like you are behind the other girls who are becoming engaged, married or are in long term relationshipos. There is no need in a rushing, trust me, when the time is right you wil get yours.

You aren't throwing your life away by not having all of the friends in the world. Take this piece of advice, it's better to have one loyal friend who you know will always be there, than five people who you think are friends. Try taking your time in both relationship and friendhip deapartments. I wish you the best of luck as well :)

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 11:18am

Maybe that so-called "rut" is where you need to be right now. Between your studies and your job, do you really have time to devote to other activities? If you do want to do something, pick an activity you enjoy, such as singing or a sport, and do that, so that you're not JUST doing it to meet people but also to get enjoyment from the activity itself.

Frankly, I met WAY more people and dated a ton more in the years right after college than I did during school, so I don't agree with your statement that seems to imply you're missing your only chance. My closest friends to this day (more than 20 years later) are the ones I met in the years right after college. Not that I don't also have good friends from college, but the ones I met when I lived in NYC afterwards are the ones I'm closest to of my old friends.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 4:50pm
Hmmm...you have a good point. I mean there are people I know, people who I was friends with in the past (like a year or two ago) but we just lost touch. A couple people I talk to now because we have classes together, but other than that, I don't really talk to anyone who I used to be friends with. I guess it's that we've all moved on...and even if I did call them, what would we do? Some of the people I used to hang out with were all about the bar scene. Now, assuming that they're still that way (because they might not be; this is hypothetical), they would probably want to go out to a bar or two on a Friday night. Friday nights are out for me because I work from 3-9 and when I get off work I'm too tired to go out. I work in a dog grooming salon, bathing dogs, btw. Six hours of dealing with loads of unruly pets wears me out LOL. So yeah, I don't really want to go get plastered with beer afterward. I don't even want to TALK to people after work...although I love my job. It's like a love-hate relationship LOL. Make sense? Aside from which, I currently take a medication that doesn't interact well with beer or any other type of alcohol. So it's like, I've had to make some changes to my lifestyle while people I used to hang out with just go party 3 nights out of the week. I can't do that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 9:24pm
have you tried internet dating...its a lot better than the bar scene and yeah, campus activities allows face to face contact, but give the net a try...i had done it for years...and i won't lie, i met ALOT of losers, liars and husbands, so use alot of common sense and good judgement....most of these guys will say anything to get sex...but i finally met a really nice single guy recently through a dating site and we'll be moving in together soon so there is hope...now unfortunately, these sites do charge you for responding to ads if you're interested in corresponding with someone but its a small investment to meet mr.right...trust me....good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Sat, 09-10-2005 - 8:19am
first of all, I do not think you have wasted your life away !! In my own opinion, it is difficult to meet friends. Instead of going to the christian groups since you are not intrerested, what about study group through one of your classes, since you have to see those people almost everyday, you could start to get to know them. Or if you live in a dorm you could hang with your room mate or ask her to introduce you to some people. Or try to hang out with people from your part time job. As for you saying you'll be 40, and desperate, that is highly likely! You are 22!! It just takes time. I sometimes find myself wondering, "do I have enough friends..." ect.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Sat, 09-10-2005 - 12:06pm

"As for you saying you'll be 40, and desperate, that is highly likely!"

Did you mean to type unlikely? Just a question.

And yes, making friends can be tough. In order for me to make friends, there has to be some concrete common interest...which, I can see myself forming friendships in my classes in the near future, so that's a good thing. I remember one time I asked someone how they made friends, because I never really knew how and making friends seems to come naturally to some people. This person told me, "Oh, with compliments or a funny story, or something along those lines," but already I could see the problem. If you use compliments, you can sometimes come off as trying too hard. Not only that, but also if you give someone a compliment such as "I like your sweater" the person will usually just say, "Thanks, I got it at such-and-such," and that's the end of the conversation. Well, sometimes. I'm not saying it *has* to be that way...but it's fairly common. As for funny stories...humor is subjective. What's funny to me might not be funny to you and vice versa. Plus not everyone can just be funny naturally. I have a sense of humor, but I don't let it show until I'm pretty sure the person I am talking to will get me. Not to mention that personalities are all different, and sometimes two personalities don't mesh well together. Make sense? Here's an example, FWIW: About two years ago a friend of my roommate's was in our kitchen, trying to bake cookies for her "manfriend" (that's what she called it). I say *trying* to bake cookies because she didn't want to touch the cookie dough. It was in one of those roll things that you cut/spoon pieces of the cookie dough out onto the baking sheet. Well she was freaking out about the raw cookie dough, saying "Eeewww, do I have to TOUCH it?" Like she was talking about used condoms instead of cookie dough. My roommate was in the kitchen, sitting at the table, and she said, "Roll it into a ball first, then put it on the tray." Well the girl did that for like 5 seconds and then was like, "That feels GROSS." While this is going on I'm also in the kitchen, but over at the ironing board ironing a shirt. I say to her, "Hey, if you don't like touching the cookie dough I'll gladly finish off the whole roll for you," because I LOVE raw cookie dough. It's good! That girl didn't see it that way. She was like, "You actually EAT that stuff? Eeewww, that's so gross! You're going to get salmonella! I can't believe you actually EAT that stuff RAW. That's GROSS." And she was saying it in kind of a condescending way, as if she were better than me because she didn't like raw cookie dough. First of all, the chances of getting salmonella are like 1 in 5 million. It's a known fact. Secondly, I seriously don't understand what is so gross about eating raw cookie dough. Somebody can fill me in if they want. Anyway, my whole point is, that was a person who I probably wouldn't mesh well with, because if she looked down on that quirk I have, she probably would look down on lots of other things as well. She thinks I'm dirty/gross because I eat raw cookie dough; I think she's weird for having what seems like a phobia of the stuff. So, we probably have different tastes in clothing, etc. and wouldn't have any reason to give each other compliments. And our senses of humor would probably be different as well.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 09-11-2005 - 4:05pm

My best friend and I are VERY opposite of each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Sun, 09-11-2005 - 5:23pm

Well...I was describing a different situation. Becoming friends with someone who is totally opposite of you is one thing, but I'm talking about when you physically and mentally cannot become friends with someone because they are looking down on you for being different from them.

In other words, you and your best friend accept each other's differences. What about someone who not only doesn't accept you for who you are, but also looks down on you for it?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 09-11-2005 - 7:18pm

I was referring to the last part of your post about making friends with people you don't have much in common with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 10:38pm

Oh, I'd never rule someone out just because they like a different type of music than myself or seem to have a different personality than me.

I just get tired of coming across the same girls who have issues with their insecurities. Yes, we all have our insecurities and flaws, but that doesn't make it okay to take on a holier-than-thou type attitude. "Cookie dough girl" did feel insecure about her weight, even though she was far from being fat. I don't know what that had to do with her being prissy, maybe she felt like she was compensating for something. That incident wasn't the only time she was condescending toward me. Another time, I had just shaved my legs in the shower, and was coming out of the bathroom in a towel, carrying my shower stuff. She was sitting in a chair in the hallway, talking on the phone. She saw me and was like, "You cut the s**t out of your leg," I didn't know this, so I asked her, where? She was like, on your left ankle. I looked down at my ankle and I'd knicked it so that there was blood streaming out of it. I touched my ankle and she was like, "Ew! Gross! Go somewhere and put a bandaid on that, I don't want to look at it!" And then, in a very condescending tone, she said, "You need to learn how to shave, GIRL," as if she'd never cut herself shaving in her entire life. It's like some females try to make themselves seem superior because they actually feel inferior or something, I don't know.