Changing trend in male courtship

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2005
Changing trend in male courtship
7
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 2:56pm
Less men are pursuing women today than 20 years ago. I couldn't give you one reason as to why. My best guess is the rising divorce rates and the changing roles of men and women in the workforce and at home. Men have become much more self-protective when it comes to dating, much in the way women have always been. As gender roles change in society, they also change in the dating world. Many men don't think they should pay for first dates as much as they used to because women have the same earning power today. Men are also tired of getting shot down. This has affected the confidence of many a man, and I think you now see less men willing to put their ego on the line. Finally, although this may be more controversial, I think men are somewhat afraid of long-term relationships with women in general. We've heard too many marriage/relationship horror stories of women who try to change men, or refuse to let them go out with their friends, or spend too much money, or verbally abuse them, etc. This has lead to a feeling of futility in the collective consciousnesses of men in America towards women. Before I get screamed at and flamed, just think of the number of times you've heard women say "men are pigs" or "I give up on men", etc. Well, men have started to feel like that as well. As for a solution, I think women have to be more accepting of men and their flaws, quit looking for Prince Charming because he does not exist, let men be men (i.e. hang out with their friends), and go see the play "Defending the Caveman"...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 2:48pm

mandel17_99:

It's just PG's 2 cents, but perhaps there's less asking (from a male) because the reaction we recieve can be anything from a "if you keep stalking me, I'll call a cop" to a "cold non-remark!"

There are also women who automatically ASSUME that most men will offer an invitation for a date as an excuse to 'get them into the bedroom!' Not necessarily true, but it only takes ONE BAD APPLE to "spoil the bunch!"

Many men AREN'T afraid of "long-term relationships", but maybe the thing that REALLY SCARES US MOST---is a woman's desire (and hurry) for exclusivity?

Honestly....how can some women assume that we're MR. RIGHT after only a few dates or social engagements? Being in your company might be wonderful, but this DOESN'T mean we want it for AN ENTIRE LIFETIME? Acquiring trust requires time!

Sending out 'engraved wedding invitiations' to a large guest list of family and friends might please a lady, but it scares the hell out of a lot of men!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 4:14pm


What pony guy said,,, lol...

Myself,
I am actively looking for a long term partner.
I ask few woman out for various reasons.
Some of which are:
I have a nice home set up. Most ladies seem more interested in what I have and not who I am or what I want. The woman that seem to be the quality I am looking for are already established and not looking for a mate.
Plus the whole idea of spending money and time to get to know a woman just to find out she is or was looking for a meal ticket turns me off.
I have learned the more I try the worse it gets... So I have stopped trying.
I like a few of the comments you made... "men are pigs" lol... I can not remember the last time I rolled in mud or ate off the ground... "Men are cavemen" is even better. I can not imagine living in a cave without my big screen, Jacuzzi and pool let along a washer, dryer, stove and refrigerator. lol...
The entire subject brings many things to mind but I will leave off here and see where it goes... :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 12:12pm
Well, I like PG's post as usual:) He is right to an extent about women wanting commitment early but I (and I'm sure I've been guilty of this) think that is because there are SO many men out there who simply want a one night stand and will lie their way into a woman's bed and then just disappear. I have just come back from a horrendous year in Italy where all the men were like that and I even got solicited in the street and at the end of that year my self-esteem was zero. I haven't date in months and felt no worth as a person or even as a woman. Just as a slab of meat. Luckily I am now relocating to a more civilised part of Europe. Apart from the obvious sex-pests, I have been involved with much cleverer men who would groom me for sex and then once they had had sex with me, literally disappeared and changed their cellphone numbers. After that I could not be blamed for hating men and yet I refuse to be so bitter and want to retain just a teeny bit of optismism because a woman who becomes a man-hater is not a pretty sight. I think men have stopped chasing or rather, actively courting in an old fashioned way because women have started chasing men and also because of the sexual revolution. It is so easy for a guy to get sex nowadays that he does not need to be in a long term or committed relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 4:17pm
Hi Stefania9,
I am proud of for not giving up on us!
I am in the reverse situation. LOL...
I am having a hard time finding a decent woman to commit.
The woman I have met don't mind the sex, but they want the guy to buy every under the sun! Which I don't mind as long as it is something I want to do. I met a woman from Chicago over the internet, after a while we decided we wanted to meet so I offered to fly her down. I paid for the first few flights which was fine. I think it was the third trip we were talking and she said tiffanies was having a sale and she had her eye on the necklace. After a few hours of talking it hit me she wanted me to buy the neck lass for her? I said, I just spent $500 to fly you down here and paid for the everything else. She was stunned, speechless that I would not buy it for her. She said no one has ever told her no before. Maybe I set myself up for it, but she was putting herself thru college and had little extra money. This is just one example. I was married for 16 months beginning to end one time. She was just after money as well... I bought her everything her little hart desire red. all new furniture, house, top appliances, dinning room set etc... I came home from work one day and everything except my cloths bad bed were gone.
So like you I am trying not to turn bitter. It is a hard road at times but I do it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 1:30am
I can see why some men could be or would be scared and shy away from rejection and from commitments just from reading your posts now. It's really interesting to hear a man's opinion on things because sometimes I wonder why either me or my single women friends who are very pretty get involved in situations with flakey men. My very pretty, very kind hearted friend has made the first move on a few guys, asked them out and also after first online dates, contacted these men because she was interested but they never respond to her emails and flake out on her constantly. I think we women are giving up too because it never used to be this way. A woman in the past would be able to give a man a smile or eye contact and then the men would know that they were interested and make the first move and even ask them out on dates. It's not that way anymore, as you mentioned. I wish men were not so afraid so we women would know that they are interested. I think it's great when a man has enough confidence to approach me if they are interested regardless of whether I'm interested or not, it's very flattering and shows that he has confidence. I just told my friend today not to contact this guy again that she thought liked her too, she could have sworn he was interested and the guy's friend even said he seemed interested too. She offered to cook him dinner and he emailed her back and said he'll let her know when he's available and never emailed her back. Now that's just being ridiculously shy or he's just not interested, one of the 2. She's telling him plain as day that she is interested. She wanted to email him again but I told her absolutely not! She needs a man who's going to let her know and be confident enough to take her up on the offer and then take HER out after since she cooked for him. I just broke up with my boyfriend and am kind of scared to get out in the dating world again because of this. I hate seeing my friend get flaked on so consistently and she's a catch too. It makes me think that it's going to be pretty difficult for me. I mean I know I'm a catch as well but I'm nervous at the same time and I don't always want to be the aggressor and be the one to show interest in a guy and then him just be too shy to reciprocate or flake on me. It would get extremely frustrating after awhile
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 8:10am
Well, I've had all this and a lot worse from guys I've met online. But I've also had bad experiences from guys I met in real life. I think bad and flakey behaviour is much more expected from online guys because of the anonymity the Internet provides. However, in Italy I got stopped twice in the street and solicited for sex so guys can also be assholes and jerks in real life too. After a year I left that country to go somewhere more civilised. Men have it too easy since the sexual revolution and my 79 year old mother tells me they behaved much better 50 or so years ago but we cannot turn the clock back. The thing is to just not accept lousy behaviour from men as if you behave like a doormat and run after them and let them treat you badly - be sure that they will.
And sadly, yes; you can go through your whole life without meeting Mr (or Mrs I guess but I am talking from a woman's perspective) Right or, when you do, being much too old to have kids. I don't believe in this rubbish that there is someone for everyone. There are plenty of single women who have never been married or had a significant relationship around and yes, they are also catches.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 3:05pm
I do believe there are several people for everyone out there. But it's a matter of whether you are lucky enough to meet these people in your life time. It's hard though too because I really want children and I'm basically 30 years old now and still haven't met the right one. I know I have some time but I don't have too much more time. I've seen people meet the right one before and I have several friends who were lucky enough to marry the right person and be happy. I still have doubts as to whether I made the right decision breaking up with my boyfriend since we did have a lot of good things going for us but there were a couple of major differences between the 2 of us that were hard to work through. We are still friends, have a good time together and probably always will be so it's really tempting to get back with him and we did get back together recently but had problems so decided to call it quits for good. I guess a lot of this doubting in getting myself out there again has a lot to do with my age and really wanting children. It is really tempting for me to settle in some aspects for my ex but I have so many people pushing me in the other direction. Telling me to get my self out there and meet the one that I'll be completely happy with and to risk it. But what if I risk it and I end up alone. I really don't want that either at all. It's not like it's bad to be alone and I have spent a lot of time alone in the last few months and don't really have too much of a problem with it and can have fun sometimes being single, but it's the fact that i really want a family. I guess if I could look into the future with a crystal ball and see that I won't find anyone better than my ex and be alone foever then I would rather settle for him and have a family because he makes me happy in a lot of different ways, just not a couple of ways that I wish he would (I know I'm going to get the rapture for this statement too from several people LOL). I wish with taking a risk that there was a guarantee but there are no guarantees in life unfortunately. Thanks for letting me vent!