dont understand him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
dont understand him!
15
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 8:38pm
okay ladies, any advice would be greatly appreciated! basically there is this guy i hang out with every now and then. he told me recently that he thinks i am cute and that he likes spending time with me, so i assume he may be interested. i am starting to like him a lot, but i am confused about how he feels. he has this attitude where he basically says "come over whenever you want"...i feel that he does like to spend time with me, but i dont know why its always me that has to come around him. when we first met, it was at a friend's place, and we ended up hanging out the whole night. then i ran into him a week later and we spent some time at his place. i asked him if he wanted to watch a movie at his place a few days after that, and he said definitely, so we did. that night he asked me if i was going to this concert that is coming to our area, and he said he would pick up a ticket for me if i was going to go. he was unable to get tickets, but i thought it was a nice gesture. since that night, i talked to him once online after he gave me his screen name. i messaged him first and he didnt say a whole lot to me, he basicaly just responded to what i said, not much conversation there. thats the last time ive talked to him. i really like him and want to continue to get to know him. i think that if he were not interested, he would not tell me to come by or give me his screen name or anything like that. but i just dont understand why he never really initiates anything. maybe he is shy? its kind of an awkward situation because he lives in the same building as me. thats why i guess its no big deal to him for me to just stop on by...i dont feel comfortable with that though. i want to know that he is interested by him planning something or asking me out. i really dont know what to do. any suggestions?

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 10:38pm

If he's interested in dating and available (that doesn't just mean single, it means mentally and emotionally ready to date), he'll ask you out on a real date, not just "hanging out."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 2:18am
Ewwww, I hate the "come by when you want, or IF you want," comments, because they inevitably lead us women to do what comes naturally, OVER-ANALYZE. First, what do you mean when you say "you've hung out?" Sex? Long friendly conversations? Second, ask yourself why you do like him... I'm sure that the guy who wrote that "He's just not that into you" book, would probably say just that... but I'm not so sure... it's such a tough one. Of course he could be shy, wanting you to make first move etc. Or he could have that "nice-guy" complex where he can't just come out and say "look, I'm not really interested." I've been battling that one too. It's really so frustrating... I'd love to tell you to confront him, be vulnerable and say "Hey, I like you, how do you feel?" And then if he says he does like you, or is at least interested, then be strong and tell him what you need (attention) what you deserve (acknowledgement), but unfortunately I know this does tend to scare men. But bottom line, just know how fantastic you are, know what you deserve, and if you can't or aren't getting what you want from him, move on. Even though it's hard. I guess bottom line, you can either play the "game" of the coy girl who isn't really interested and see how or if he responds to that... or you can be you, be vulnerable yet confident and tell him you're interested, that you like hanging out with him and see what he says. Confidence is imperative... and is super sexy... and asking him how he feels is maybe the only way you'll ever know.... Good luck! And if he doesn't respond the way you hope, move on... someday we'll all find someone who doesn't say "come by if you want," but says, "i'd love to see you, please stop by if you can." Ahh, the fairytale.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 3:20am

Hi skydiverzz,

>okay ladies,

And gentlemen!

I think he is playing it safe. Since you live in the same building he knows the chances of seeing you regularly are high so he is taking it slow and using the “get to know you first” approach. He probably likes you and wants to hang out with you but thinks that asking you out on a proper date carries the risk of rejection. This would make living in the same building awkward, almost like being rejected by a work colleague that you will see each day. I don’t think you should rush this, but by all means show some strong signs of interest perhaps by enthusiastically accepting his next invitation to “hang out”. Saying things like “I would love too” and “I look forward to it” would make me think a woman is interested in me. You could also try sending another message and seeing if he gives you a closed end type response or one that instigates conversation which means he is interested in you. If all this fails he is either not interested or incredibly stupid.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 9:23am

Well - personally, I think that any man who is interested should want to court you a bit. This man is not courting you. He's spending time with you when it suits him and in a manner that is easy for him and puts all of the burden on you. If I were you, I would set some boundaries. When he casually asks you to just come over or hang out, say that you are busy but you would be happy to make some structured plans for another time soon. Make him start thinking of you as someone he has to put some time and effort into. If he's not willing to do that, he's either not interested or not worth your time.

Jules

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 11:03am

Jules,

If a woman I was keen on gave me the “Too busy” line I would take that as a sign of no interest. It would NOT inspire me to make more of an effort but instead would dissuade me from asking her to do anything with me again, casually or not. I just don’t think this is anywhere near the stage where he must prove his interest in her, after one official date maybe, but not at this point in time. I think at this stage, showing signs of interest rather acting busy or aloof is a better approach. Some men (me) need much more to go on before even thinking about taking it one stage further. I think any man who has had a rejection after misreading signs will be the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 11:51am

Well, there's no surprise that we disagree. If he called her for a date and she said that she would be busy that is WAY different then him calling at the last minute and asking her to "stop by." When he does that and she says no, he would be disappointed because she is not just always available to him.

You say that her being busy might dissuade you from making more of an effort - my point is that this guy is making next to no effort right now. He really couldn't do much less. You think that there is a stage that a man must reach before he has to prove interest in her and yet you encourage her to show interest in him. That's ridiculous. Why should she show interest and he doesn't yet have to. If anything, it should be the other way around. Men should pursue women. Even if you don't agree with that, and think that it should be equitable - you are telling her to sound really psyched in their conversations and yet not thinking that he has ot show interest yet. Bullocks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 12:03pm

Jules,

>you are telling her to sound really psyched in their
>conversations and yet not thinking that he has ot show
>interest yet.

Yes and the reason is quite simple, skydiverzz is the one seeking advice. I am not arguing about what is right, wrong or equitable. If the man in question was seeking advice I would say the same thing--"Show her some signs of interest". I think your advice would be great if HE was reading it. Yes, he should show signs of interest, but the fact is, he isn't! So either he isn't interested OR he is too shy/nervous/hesitant to do what you say and needs some gentle encouragement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 12:22pm

Oh, yeah? Welll...

PPHHHHHHBBBBBBBBBBBTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

Hehehe

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 11:00pm

So either he isn't interested OR he is too shy/nervous/hesitant to do what you say and needs some gentle encouragement.


Given this statement by the OP:

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 2:50am

Shy,

The man hasn’t really done anything wrong, he said that she is cute and that he enjoys spending time with her. He also told her to “come over whenever you want”. This is what a person would say if they were being a good friend. I think you would agree that it’s far more polite and far less intrusive than saying, “I’ll come around to your house whenever I want”. skydiverzz didn’t appear to reciprocate so he probably thinks that she doesn’t want him to come around to her house. That’s why she is always going around to his.

The first and second time they met were chance encounters, first time at a party and the second time where they ran into each other and ended up back at his house. A few days after that, skydiverzz asked him if he wanted to watch a movie *AT HIS HOUSE*. Is it any wonder she is always going around to his house!? He is probably wondering why she never invites him over to her house. Skydiverzz is now beginning to like him and expects more from him. I’m sorry, it doesn’t work that way. If skydiverzz is beginning to have romantic feelings for him than SHE should take the chance and make them obvious or do nothing and keep the status quo.

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