Hi Everyone (m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Hi Everyone (m)
6
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 1:12pm

I have been dating someone for a couple months & I have been asking myself over & over if this "works for me". We started off really affectionate with each other & then we both got scared & pulled back. We have not been intimate (no sex nor petting). I am coming to the realization after speaking to him last night that he is too scared to get into a relationship. He still wants to see me which consists of an occasional hug & a peck on the lips. I told him I want to kiss like we used too...a little bit more passionate, but not making out which gets us too worked up. I even let him do all the calling, & yep he still calls. I asked him point blank if 1) He wanted a break. I also asked him 2) When was the last time he was in love or had feelings for someone. I told him that he must have been very hurt at some point in his life. He reassured me that I am not pressuring him nor doing anything and yet still wants to continue like this. I'm ok with it...but I think what would work best is just friends...no kissing or hugging.

I don't regret the last 2 months. It is nice that the guy just didn't want sex, which can be a head-trip on it's own. I know that when you meet someone there is always a risk...risk to being hurt. I'm not hurt, I just wish & I told him that he could open his heart up a little. I also told him at the beginning that I never go into a relationship trying to change the other person. I also asked him when he admitted his problems of getting close to someone if he was willing to change or at least work on it. I think he is too scared to do that. This just is sad.

I'm just realizing that I have to tell him the "let's just be friends". It hasn't felt right for awhile & yet he still wants to hang with me. It's been good practice for me, but sometimes it just sucks putting yourself out there. Situations like this make me just want to stop trying.

I have read "The Rules", and "He's just not that into you".

I guess I just wanted to vent. I am feeling very lost.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jstbu
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 1:48pm

Hi, I've been following your posts and I'm a little confused...I thought you'd already broken things off with this guy? What happened?

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: jstbu
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 2:46pm

I dated a guy like that sometime last year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
In reply to: jstbu
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 3:20pm
I feel for ya. I don't really have any advice because I'm not in your situation and I have a hard time following good advice myself :-). It's really, really, tough. That's all I've learned, dating, trying to find the right one, opening your heart up. It's been a long, hard journey for me and sounds like for you and a lot of others on these boards. Sometimes it just comes a lot easier for some people and you just want to strangle those people LOL because it couldn't be that way for you. I guess we just keep hanging in there, trying, listening to our hearts, intuition and mind and trying to remain as positive and strong as we can through all this. A lot easier said than done I know. I guess what I can say to you, is give it a shot a little while longer, maybe a couple of months, see what happens and if you still aren't happy then make the decision whether you want to move on or not. I know the main obstacle for me is looking at what others have (my family, my friends) and then thinking, why can't that be me. I'm still single at basically 30, struggling trying to find the one and I want to do this before I'm too old to have kids. Blech, the frustrations. Take the risk, don't take the risk and if you do take a risk and leave someone you don't know how long it will take you to find the next one that's better for you or if you'll ever find him. ok, I'm rambling, I guess I'm just having one of those "I'm scared because I don't know what's going to happen in my love life, days :-)"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
In reply to: jstbu
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 3:23pm
Sorry. I was planning on ending things according to my inner voice & post & chickened out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
In reply to: jstbu
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 3:38pm

Hi Sheri,

Sorry for the confusion which has been my state of mind. I was planning on it & then I gave it one more shot & after last night's discussion, I realize he is not emotionally available, never will be & I'm not the one that will change him.

This is so hard because it makes me think why doesn't this person feel safe with me. It's very hard.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jstbu
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 3:46pm

Ah, ok, thanks for the additional information. I was just confused because at least one of your posts had referred to him in the past tense...

I hope you can recognize that it's not about YOU at all, it's about him. Most likely he doesn't feel safe with ANY woman, not just you.

I know it will be hard to move on, but you need to do what's best for you. Of course, you still have to go through the grieving/recovery process, which is not easy regardless of the reasons it ended.

Sheri