Why do I allow this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Why do I allow this?
7
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 1:39pm
I know this continues to happen, because I allow it. My question to you all is why do I allow it to continue and how do I make it stop? Story in short - I dated this great guy for about 6 months, it was on of those relationships where we knew we loved one another right away. We had tremendous chemistry in all aspects, we had such a great time being with one another and I feel we really truly honestly loved one another. We split up for good reasons - he has had a vasectomy and has 2 kids from his previous marriage, and I have no kids, but what them some day. We split b/c he can not give me children, and he says that is not fair to me b/c he has what he wants and can't give me what I want. He does not want anymore kids, he has made that clear to me, so adoption and artificial insemination is out of the ? Anyway, we have stayed good friends, we've done the FWB thing, we've fought over crazy petty things, we make up, we hang out and have a super fun time together. He was dating someone else, but we still remained friends and talked as friends. There are times when we do not talk for extended periods then he will call out of the blue, then I fall for him all over again. I have told him in the past that I think it would be best for us to cut ties all together, b/c I have to live my life, not live my life for him b/c I as much as I would love to be w/ him, I know that is not possible (unless I chose to give up wanting children) and I have even considered that to be with him. I know why he keeps coming back (he gets sex), because I'd rather have the FWB thing w/ him than nothing at all, however the whole sex thing takes over my emotions and once again I fall for him and "hope" things can and will work out. I know he is using me, even though he says he still cares for me, but the fact of the matter is, is that he does use me however I allow it. What should I do? I don't want to be "rid" of him, I don't want the feelings to be there, but I do b/c I do love him. Am I just really messed up? When we are together I have hope, but deep down I know I should know better. Do you think I should talk to him about how I am feeling and maybe he will realize that he is hurting me in the long run and will leave me alone? How do I walk away from him once and for all (even though that is NOT what I want, I know if I am going to have a life of my own, I have to!) Please help, any advice??!!!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 4:50pm

Well, I know this sounds simplistic, but the way you do it is, you make a decision, you make a commitment to yourself to honor that decision, and you stick to it, no matter what. You take whatever steps are necessary to prevent him from contacting you again, such as blocking him from emailing or calling you, etc. You have no contact with him for as long as it takes to get over any lingering feelings you have for him.

It sounds like you're not at the point where you are ready to do this. No, talking about it with him isn't going to do any good, because YOU haven't made the commitment to yourself.

Working with a good counselor could help you shorten the time you need to be ready. Good luck.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 5:34pm
When you said you considered not having children to be with him it sent a shot right through me. DON'T SETTLE. In the end it will lead to resentment. Has he even given a thought to having another child to help you fulfill your dreams?
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 7:07pm

Breaking up sucks, especially when it's with someone you really care about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 10:21am

My situation is different than yours but similar on SO many levels and I hate to tell you... it's not easy but the ONLY way to move on and let your heart heal is NO contact. While I'm sure there is a real love between you two - he does NOT respect you if he "says" he won't be with you so you can find what you so desperately want and deserve (someone who wants to have babies with you) and yet he keeps coming around. He IS being selfish - you can't see it as clearly now as you will someday!

I truly hurt for you because I KNOW that internal struggle and you think... if I just talk to him one more time and "really" tell him how I feel it will matter to him... hon, you can talk till you are blue in the face... he's told you he doesn't love you enough to give you what you want and therefore you HAVE to stop letting him have what HE wants! A piece of you!

Find someone who deserves that piece and wants to give back in return! It WILL be worth it... keep your head and heart on the goal and stop letting nibbits of nothing distract you!

Stop being so considerate of HIS feelings and start considering YOUR feelings/needs/wants FIRST!

I know you think getting that little bit of him is better than nothing but it's not... look at the position it puts you in... look how it keeps your heart holding on... look how he's disrespecting you!

Post here... if you need someone to email let me know! I've been there (to a degree) and can relate! But I warn you... my compassion and support will be riddled with hope and encouragement to move on with your life! :)

XOXO

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 2:39pm
Thank you all so much for your replys. I know the best thing for me to do to get passed this is to have NO contact w/ him what so ever. I know deep down, I have got to do this for me, it is the only way. It's not gonna be easy, but I have a life to live and I need to do that - I need to let him go b/c he can't/won't give me what I want and deserve. I have not spoke to him in 3 days, so this is the start, from here on out, no more communication, text messaging- nothing! I can do this, I have to keep busy, and know that there is some one somewhere that does deserve me. Thanks again for giving me that extra strength!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2005
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 9:38am

First of all, this doesn't sound like my version of love. It sounds more like infatuation. You haven't known each other long enough to know the things you hate about them and decide that you still like him even though he blows his nose in the shower or shaves his legs.

Meanwhile, you keep spending time with this person who is never going to give you what you want. So you need to decide - right now - how important kids really are. If they are more important than this man, stop seeing him. Immediately. Altogether. Commit to not seeing him again for at least a year.

There are tons of fish out there. Why waste your time with someone who won't give you what you need?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 11:49am

I almost could have written the same msg, except I don't want any more kids. So that's not our main issue. All I can say about that is if you want a child you should cut all ties now. Plus if it has turned into a FWB, he may not be on the same page as you.

First of all, are you both on the same page together (has he said he loves you and sees a future w/ you two)?

My short story (well maybe not so short I tend to babble even when typing)!!

I have felt used lately by my FWB of one year (whom I believe is sleeping w/ other women even though he says he's honest w/ me and isn't because we had a pact to end things if we sleep w/ other people) and I believe he has one from out of town that he sees at least once a month. I keep this all to myself and don't ask him about that but I have my suspicions. But I think we have too much of a good thing he doesn't want to end it either. He has said so himself, but he's just not ready for commitment after being married for so long and recently divorced where he got very hurt.

I have tried to end things and he keeps asking me out anyway but my final straw came last wednesday when we went out for a drink and he left to go outside and talk on his phone. After 20 minutes I left the bar and he hasn't said a word since. This wasn't typical behavior for him. We also work together and he said nothing to me on Thursday at work about me leaving (we don't work on fridays). I always join the guys from his dept. to shoot pool after work on thursdays and I left after 45 minutes, I just couldn't be around him. He tried playing all friendly w/ me. I couldn't take it. He didn't call all weekend though. I know my heart will eventually get better and even his comments about how we much we have in common is in agreement. But I can't go on like this. I don't want anyone else but I can't keep doing this to myself.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is talk to him. See if your on the same page.

I mostly lurk but I'm around if you want to chat!!

K