No Time for Dating? Need Advice.
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| Fri, 09-23-2005 - 2:59pm |
I need some advice from women. This is completely serious.
I would really like get back into dating, but it seems like I have no time to do it. I seem to be scheduled with things to do all day, every day. Weekdays are especially tough. Typically on most weekends I get a small amount of time to myself to use as I wish, but because I feel completely exhausted, I tend to not do too much with it(typically sleep, watch TV, or do something else relaxing.) Am I abnormal? Specifically, I have a few questions:
1.How many dates on average do you have in a normal week?
2.What time do you setup a date for?
3.How long does a date last?
4.How do you juggle the demands of life to fit dating into your schedule?
5.Any good tips I can try?
This isn’t just a problem for me. I have actually dated myself, it seems. One woman asked me out once. When we tried to setup a date, she pulled out an appointment book and said that the nearest availability she had was three weeks away at 4PM. It was like I was going to the dentist!
Another woman kept yawning during an entire date. I doubt this was meant to send a message, since we went out a few more times after this. She worked a lot at a store and was filling in for a manager, who was off for an extended time. Lots of overtime for about two months.
Basically, I would like to know if I have a problem, or do others have the same issues. I get mixed messages. I keep seeing couples out in public spending time together, yet I keep hearing griping from friends that they never have enough time to do anything. I would also like to know what others do to cope with the crazy world we call home, to fit dating into their lives. If you can help me out with this, I would be quite appreciative. Thanks.

The answer to your questions really depends on what stage of the relationship I'm in. It sounds like you're talking about the beginning dating stages, so I'll focus on that.
1.How many dates on average do you have in a normal week?
If I'm actively trying to meet people, generally 1-2 a week.
2.What time do you setup a date for?
Usually the first meet/date (I meet most of the men I date online) is for coffee on a weekend morning or afternoon. Dates after than are generally in the evening.
3.How long does a date last?
I do the first meet for coffee...no more than an hour. After that, it's variable depending on what the planned activity is. Dinner will generally last a couple hours.
4.How do you juggle the demands of life to fit dating into your schedule?
Since having a significant other is important to me, I make it a priority to find the time to date. I work a part-time job, run a business, sign in a choir that rehearses 6 hours a week, and have an active social life, but I still manage to find the time.
5.Any good tips I can try?
Set one or two dates/times of the week as "date" nights/days. You might try not scheduling anything for, say, Wednesday evenings and Sat afternoons. If no date is scheduled by, say, the day before each time period, then you can schedule something. But if finding time is tough for you, then I think this could help.
Of course, once you're IN a relationship, that's a whole different ball of wax.
Sheri
I have time issues with dating too. You could have been writing about me when you wrote this: One woman asked me out once. When we tried to setup a date, she pulled out an appointment book and said that the nearest availability she had was three weeks away at 4PM.
Except that I am rarely out of work at 4pm. There are a couple of men that I have been communicating with via email and 2 of them just got turned off by my not being available for a date for a couple of weeks. One guy asked if we could just grab a quick cup of coffee and I could find time to do that but I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy getting to know him. I'd rather just not go at all.
When I have a date, it's usually for dinner, around 6:30, and lasts about an hour and a half or so.
Ok I have to put in my 2 cents.
I read that if people put 1/2 the time they did into their relationships as their work, they would be in a relationship...or some version of that.
I truely believe you need to make better choices & leave the work at work. It will always be there & your in-box will be full even when you are gone (God-forbid).
I would not take it personally about the few dates you have been on. The guy I was seeing yawned a lot, but that was because he over-extended himself & didn't take care of himself. The other woman---4pm 2 weeks...bye bye.
I think if someone is truely interested in you, they will make the time. Likewise you need to create and make the time & space in your own life for meeting people if that is what you desire.
Good luck & keep us posted.
>I think if someone is truely interested in you
>they will make the time. Likewise you need to
>create and make the time & space in your own
>life for meeting people if that is what you desire.
I completely agree. Well said!
Thanks to all who replied. I am at a crossroads right now, trying to figure out what to do. I am 29, but only have extremely limited dating experience, if you can believe that! I have been having lots of work trouble over the past few years. Every time I would start a job, there would be a closing, layoff, or whatever. This happened to me three times. It’s hard to do anything in that situation. It has always been hard to get something else, too. Employers here are VERY picky. Even during the good times, the jobs I had were so demanding, that they were all I did. I basically had no life. Then you never knew when the next round of cuts would come. Not good stability.
The tough things that I must do are to figure out things about myself. Do I want a relationship? Is my life stable enough for it? Can I fit it into the schedule? How do I fit it? Can I succeed at one? I can make my own choices, but I really don��t want to ruin a woman’s life. If I make poor decisions, I have no problem facing the music for them, but I don’t want to take everybody else down with me! Many guys seem to be selfish, according to what I see posted on the site, I guess I am one of the few who cares more about others than myself!
For me to pull all of this off, I would need to play catch up. Most of you know a lot more than I do, so I have been surfing around trying to figure things out. That is why I asked the simple questions about how often you date, what time of day, how long a date lasts, how you fit dating into your schedule, etc. These are simple things that I should know, but really do not. I have messed up some of the dates that I was out on previously. I opened up the door for a woman once, but she proceeded to tell me that she could open it herself. She seemed to get quite agitated. I was just trying to be nice, so that goes to show you how people are different.
If you want to know what a front side bus is on a computer, I’m your man, but when it comes to dating, COMPLETELY CLUELESS! My ultimate male fantasy is not what you would expect. I would like to have a life instructional manual, to tell you what to do in different situations. That would be hard to beat!
I wouldn’t know this personally, but more than one person has told me that I look OK(hard to tell how you look.) I did post a pic once on Hot or Not and got an 8.0 out of 10, so that seems to be OK. I have had numerous women approach me for dates over the years, with some more subtle than others. One walked over to me, wrote her number down and gave it to me. I had no clue she was even interested. I go to the grocery store and one of the cashiers really turns it on big time, too. In one instance, she dropped what she was doing to come over to bag my groceries at another lane. She made the comment, “I wish this job was like sex.†She looked at me and gave me the most wicked grin I ever saw! I guess most guys would love to be me, but it is not easy.
Some day I hope to figure myself out and get a handle on everything. If anyone has any good commentary, it would be welcome. It’s never to late to start something, but I need to make sure it is what I want to do, I am able to pull it off, and I can do it the correct way. That’s a tall order, but I don’t like to fail. I also do not wish to hurt anyone else. I don’t want to turn into one of those selfish guys that all women hate!
You never get anywhere unless you take a risk, and taking risks sometimes means jumping in head first.
Basically, you just have to make the time. Next time you set up a date, instead of trying to fit them around your schedule, try to figure out what you can shift that's already in your schedule. I'm sure there's some things that are in your schedule that don't necessarily have to be done right when you have them written down for. I'm a very busy person too, but I make the time to fit someone in if I'm interested in them. Even if it means that I have to stay up an hour later, or get up an hour earlier the next day to get things done, or even try to get most of it done a day earlier.
Life isn't fun unless you make time for yourself and your own interests. Eventually you burn out. Occasionally I have a blow out and have a big night, just to remind myself why I work so hard for what I want, and why I don't just work a lame 9-5 job to make money and make ends meet.
If you're really interested in dating, you have to take it more seriously. From the sounds of things you're missing out on opportunities as it is. There's no right or wrongs as to how often you should go on dates etc. But once you get past that first date, and continue to see someone, you have to fit them in, otherwise I can guarantee things won't last long.
Good luck
Janet