I'm giving up!! :(
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| Mon, 09-26-2005 - 10:03am |
THIS IS KILLING ME INSIDE!!
I did a lot of thinking this weekend and think i'm going to give up on 'J'. Easier said than done i know, but i cant keep beating myself up over him. I cant keep thinking of ways to get him to connect on another level. It's not fair to either one of us!! It's so hard tough, he is sitting across the room and every time i look up he is the first thing i see. He keeps sending me im's asking if i'm ok & whats wrong, and bs; it's so hard not to say what i really want to say. Instead i feel myself getting depressed over this whole dumb situation and maybe it'll all work out for the better. I know i deserve better than what he is giving me right now. Though if he asks it'll be so hard to say he cant come home w/ me! If you love something let it go... (right!?!)
i need any advice on how i can get through this!!!!

Hi... I'm new here, so I don't know your whole situation. Why is it hard for you to say what you really want to say? At this point... if you are thinking you are better off without him, what do you have to lose by saying what you feel? The only thing I can say is that you have to be true to yourself... which is not easy.
I'm here because I am struggling with how to deal with my relationship right now... and not it's not easy to just walk away... even if it is the best thing.
I find just talking to my friends... or maybe writing here... just helps me get it out and not be so alone... or depressed over it!
my advice can be found here:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsinglelovi&msg=5700.2
"I'm here because I am struggling with how to deal with my relationship right now... and not it's not easy to just walk away... even if it is the best thing."
If that's the case I sure wish you'd post more... cause I'm sorta going through the same thing and it'd be nice to have someone to post back and forth with!
OK... I'll try not to make it too long...Was dating "G" for 6 months...4 years ago... he just walked away one day, with no explanation... and disappeared for 3 years... 3 months ago he emailed me and said he was an idiot and at that time wasn't ready to give me what I wanted or deserved... we got back together and the last 3 months have been amazing... we talk and became friends again.. and have been open with our feelings and even almost used the "L" word... he always tells me that I have to just be myself and be open with my feelings, even if we dont agree... the thing is that we dont get much time together.. we are both divorced.. i have my daughter full time and he has his 2 kids every other weekend... he is very independent and plays on 3 softball leagues and goes out with his friends a lot... which I learned to be OK with.. since he did make time for me as well... only I am ready for more... I want to be with him more often and be more a part of his life... last week I found out that he writes on this relationship message board on classmates... and flirts with other women... which he told me that jealousy doesnt have a place in a relationship, and that it means nothing ... last friday I got upset because he told me he was too busy at work to chat... and then I saw he was on the message boards posting messages... so when I called him up and told him I was upset... he said he was too busy to talk and hung up... I haven't heard from him since! I called over the weekend and left him a message...but he didnt call or email me back. He had his kids this weekend... and he is away for work until Wednesday... its just so frustrating... cause i dont want to believe its just over ... just like this...and I know men are different than women... he isnt thinking about how he is hurting me... just how he can't deal with the stress right now (he is having problems with his ex and child support, etc)...
My friends said to give him some space... and give him the chance to come back so that we can talk about it... I'm not accepting his behavior... but I am willing to give him a chance to talk it out..It's just so hard to sit here and wait... !!
What is your situation?
oh wow - it never fails when I hear someone else's situation I think... "wth am I doing?" cause honestly my situation doesn't have any of that "turmoil" per se.
from the outside looking in I don't think "G" sounds like he is being good to you and honestly it makes me mad reading what you wrote. But I know there is always "more" to our stories so...
I've been with "P" for 8 years. But when I say "been" I mean carried on in an exclusive friendship. We were serious for the first 2 years of it and throughout the rest we've tried to make it "work" but we've been using friend rules and trying to make a relationship out of it. I don't have that feeling for him anymore - the one I *think* someone should have for someone they want to marry and love for the rest of their life. But my therapist has said "you've conducted your relationship as a friendship for the last 6 years and now all of sudden you think romantic/in love feelings should just turn on like a light switch? It doesn't happen that way" and I know it- but I keep thinking - since I don't have that feeling I need to run from him and find someone that I do have that "feeling" with. Even saying it I get mad and think that "feeling" is so overrated but it doesn't stop me from wanting to have it.
I often think if "P" put as much effort into us as I do and want to - it could work... but he is a great guy and I hate losing all the wonderful parts of "us". We have the BEST friendship two people could have - laughter, trust and companionship. But he still lives such a bachelor lifestyle and I feel so not apart of his world most days. We haven't talked in almost a week (1 week tomorrow) and yesterday was hard for me for some reason - it's not like we haven't gone without talking before (for other issues) but this time has just felt different! :( It feels real and possibly over. I guess it's for the best but that doesn't make it any easier nor make me want it more. :( Oh well!
Good luck to you!
Wow.. your last paragraph really touched me... it is the same way for me and "G"... just wanting to feel more apart of his world... we don't usually go without talking...but it can be at least a week or more without seeing each other... and I really want more than that.
I know he is treating me bad right now... and I am angry too... part of me feels like I shouldn't even want to try and make things work... but we were friends... and like you.. thats the part that is hard to just throw away.
Your situation sounds hard too... especially to have so much time invested in the relationship... maybe because he isn't giving you more, you are holding back and not allowing yourself to have "those feelings" for him... because he might not return them.. and then that could ruin what you do have.
Why do relationships have to be so complicated??? I just wish it could be easier...
Good luck to you to!
:o)
Wish me luck on our talk. I am actually hoping to see if he will come over Wednesday night when he is back in town (he is away on business) and have this conversation in person. Dont really want to have it over the phone.
It doesn't sound like he's making you a priority in his life.
I am new to this board but please pardon my jumping in here.
Daizy why are you investing so much in a man who has made it clear he is not emotionally available to meet your needs in a long term relationship.
Any body can talk the talk you know. the taste of the pud is in the eating.
<>
Are you hoping he would change or are you hoping you will get used to the above behaviour decide which one you really want and position your pot at the end of the rainbow.
This lad has abandoned you once and couldnt careless how upset he makes you.
Now decide if you deserve better for yourself and do it.
It will not be pain free but it is not as hurtful as putting up with behaviour which diminishes you, your selfworth, self esteem and sends a message that you are not worth the effort.
YOU KNOW he is wrong for you both now and in the long run. just do whats best for you please.
(BTW anybody can be amazing in the first flushes of a new laison there are things only time will tell us about a person so when a person shows you who they are believe them please)
Dumping this guy will be one of the best things you do for yourself this year. Hes not worth the grief hes putting you through.
Kick him to the curb and go find someone else. Life is too short and the pond is full of fish.
Matt.