how soon is it proper to call after...
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how soon is it proper to call after...
| Mon, 09-26-2005 - 11:24pm |
...after sex with an Ex i am now "dating" (i think dating at this point)
hi, im new to the board with a question ... first a little background info: i was in a relationship with a guy for 1.5 years but we broke up 6 months ago and had no contact whatsoever until last month we started talking again a couple times a week, then we saw each other which i guess you could call two dates even though i had told him i didnt want it to seem too date like. things have been really cool and revived between us. i totally thought i was in it just for friendship but we went out sat night n it seemed like a date with the way we were clicking and flirting, then again got together sunday to spend the day together. well, we had sex sunday morning. we spent the whole day together after that which was really fun. he made me lunch and was so sweet all day. he treated me really well and we talked a little about how looking back on all of the ppl we have dated since, we each were most emotionally connected to each other. i dont think it was a get-back-together conversation exactly as it didnt feel that official. so now i am a little nervous about what just happened between us over the weekend. we basically spent the whole weekend together. we even talked on the phone when i got home from a concert i went with my other friends to last night.
well, i have not heard from him today. is this a really bad sign? i was hoping we were revivng the relationship. maybe i am jumping to conclusions too soon. should i just relax and give it another day before i think the sex was a stupid mistake? i wish i knew what he was thinking now...maybe he is just as confused as i am.
thanks for any advice!
dionne
hi, im new to the board with a question ... first a little background info: i was in a relationship with a guy for 1.5 years but we broke up 6 months ago and had no contact whatsoever until last month we started talking again a couple times a week, then we saw each other which i guess you could call two dates even though i had told him i didnt want it to seem too date like. things have been really cool and revived between us. i totally thought i was in it just for friendship but we went out sat night n it seemed like a date with the way we were clicking and flirting, then again got together sunday to spend the day together. well, we had sex sunday morning. we spent the whole day together after that which was really fun. he made me lunch and was so sweet all day. he treated me really well and we talked a little about how looking back on all of the ppl we have dated since, we each were most emotionally connected to each other. i dont think it was a get-back-together conversation exactly as it didnt feel that official. so now i am a little nervous about what just happened between us over the weekend. we basically spent the whole weekend together. we even talked on the phone when i got home from a concert i went with my other friends to last night.
well, i have not heard from him today. is this a really bad sign? i was hoping we were revivng the relationship. maybe i am jumping to conclusions too soon. should i just relax and give it another day before i think the sex was a stupid mistake? i wish i knew what he was thinking now...maybe he is just as confused as i am.
thanks for any advice!
dionne

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If I was in your situation, I would take it as a bad sign. When you talked to him last night, did you call him? If so, it seems that you are the one making more of an effort to keep in contact with him. Yes it might be only one day that he hasn't called but if you want to be with someone and are really into them you will take a couple of minutes out of your 24 hour day to call and ask how that person is doing.
thanks for your input. i definitely dont want to feel like i am pursuing him more than he is pursuing me. i wont contact him again until he puts his foot forward.
we had a date saturday night then spent all day sunday together. we parted b/c i had plans to go to a baroque ensemble with my friends. he wanted to hear about it. i actually was the one who called him. the door seemed open, though. i commented to him that it was so good i'd see it twice. he asked if there would be another showing b/c he wanted to go.
i think i will relax until another day goes by without hearing from him. i have to keep in mind that we *did* spend almost 24 hours with each other. so, some space after that is probably a good thing. as a matter of fact, if he had called me tonight it would have given me a little stress as well...haha...i probably then would be concerned that it was moving too fast. :-)
still, i will wait for him to pursue me and put his foot forward next. gosh, i sure hope this wasnt a mistake crossing the friendship boundary with an Ex.
Hi Dionne,
> i wish i knew what he was thinking now
I think I can offer a fairly accurate insight but I would be more confident with my answer if I knew who was responsible for the break-up and why. I would say he is feeling lonely right now and probably has a bruised ego from women who have rejected him. He is probably in need of an ego boost and he knows the only woman he can turn to for that is you. You’ve already had sex with him and now you are contemplating calling him which is exactly the ego boost he needs. Having sex with him was not a stupid mistake for two reasons:
1) I could be completely wrong
2) You acted in good faith
However I think it would be a stupid mistake if you called him. I think he will use you until he is satisfied so I would be wary even if he calls you.
Hal,
My, my that's a cynical view. I have been in almost the exact situation that she has described with the exception of wanting to get back together. I have had that whole weekend together ful lof sex and reminiscing because I think that it can sometimes aid the healing after a break-up. We often don't get to say the nice things to one another when we part because of fear or hurt. After the smoke has cleared, it's OK to get together and say those nice things and share some intimacy and leave things on a good note.
It could certainly be the selfish motivation that you have ascribed - I know that happens too. But there is a chance that he was just saying a final and hearfelt goodbye. I agree that more information is needed about the breakup to really offer an opinion, though.
Jules
Jules,
>My, my that's a cynical view
Thank you.
>I have been in almost the exact situation
>that she has described with the exception
>of wanting to get back together.
This is the crux of the matter. You didn't want to get back together and you were not left feeling confused...or were you?
>it's OK to get together and say those nice
>things and share some intimacy and leave
>things on a good note.
I agree as long as that intention is clear from the beginning. I don't think it is in this instance.
are you kidding me... it's only been a day... is he REQUIRED to check in within every 24 hours!?
My feeling is... he must be enjoying the reconnect or he wouldn't be expressing "feelings". YOU don't even know what YOU want or how YOU'D feel if he was calling or expecting you to call so why are you expecting him to have it all figured out!? Maybe he's trying to figure out the right way to "dance" too! give him a break!
Unless he has a history of being scum... don't treat a 24 hour noncall situation like he's ditching you! And don't expect him to pick up ALL the slack - if you're thinking about him and want to say hi - call and do so. Don't EXPECT him to know you are wanting to connect again!
You're telling him you didn't want it to see too date like but now you're all freaking because he hasn't called... you need to figure out what YOU want and stop playing two sides of the coin.
It's a new day I'd be willing to bet you've heard from him!
"I think he will use you until he is satisfied so I would be wary even if he calls you."
Hal, so are you suggesting all men turn to women for is to satisfy a particular need and when that need is satisified they are done with her!? Are men not capable of just CARING and loving!? UNSELFISHLY?
There was one time that I was left feeling confused and that it because I wanted to get back together and I am not sure that he did.
Motivation is key and these things should only be done if both parties are clear on what they expect and want from it.
>so are you suggesting all men turn to women for
>is to satisfy a particular need and when that
>need is satisified they are done with her!?
I’m not suggesting this happens with all men. I am always cynical about men who suddenly appear after no contact for 6 (give or take a few) months after a break-up. What was his reason for returning? Why did they break-up? It wasn’t working? He thought he could do better? She didn’t want him? Whatever way you look at it, why should it work second time around? Once the euphoria of this second chance is over it will end up being the same relationship that didn’t work the first time. I doubt it will even get that far.
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