Not Knowing Who "YOU" Are...What To Do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Not Knowing Who "YOU" Are...What To Do?
2
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 11:45am

Hi all,

I just wanted to see if this has happened to anyone else here, or if anyone else has felt this way while trying to get back into dating...

I went out last night to meet this guy I had been talking to on the phone from Yahoo personals. It wasn't too bad, but I knew right off the bat that we weren't a match. Anyway, my problem is this... I just feel like when going on these "dates" or "first meetings" that sometimes I just have nothing to say... They will ask me something like what do you like to do in your free time, and who would've thought that a question like that could be so tough to answer??!! It's almost as though I feel like I dont know myself! So they always start rattling off this list of things they do in their free time, and for me, a problem of mine has always been that i've made my relationships such a huge part of my life that now that i'm alone I almost don't know who ME, MYSELF is... I dont know if that makes any sense.

So has anyone here ever experienced this? What are you supposed to do because it can make for a pretty uncomfortable situation when trying to talk to someone for the first time and your only interest is "hanging out with friends and family". I feel like a weirdo because it feels like I kind of have to figure out who I am and I dont even know how to go about doing that...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 12:38pm

I have that problem often too when I don't know what to say. So one day I sat down and thought about what I spend a lot of my time doing on a daily basis, and I made a list of those things. I also figured out what I would like to do if I had the chance or time, and I started making plans to do those things if not actually doing them. I guess I just wasn't aware of what I liked doing because my hobbies were second nature to me. I personally don't like that question of what you do in your spare time since I'm not very passionate about any one thing though I do like to do a lot of different things in moderation though. So I usually discuss other things on first dates like movies, funny stories, family, my lifestyle, my job, etc. or whatever else comes to mind...wherever the conversation leads us as long as the topics are appropriate.

And I don't think that it's necessarily because you've made relationships your whole life as you say because I haven't and I often get stumped. I think it has more to do with the fact that when men hang out with their friends and such, they do things together without a whole lot of conversation and when women hang out, they mostly talk. I'm guessing that's why this guy was going on and on about his hobbies although most guys I've gone out with don't have a catalog of what they like to do in their spare time. I think a lot of it has to do with trying too hard to sound interesting so the guy gives you a whole rundown of what his hobbies are...I don't need to know about all your hobbies on the first date. There's plenty of time for that. Hope this helps!

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 10:14pm

I hate that question too!