How do I fix my low self-esteem issue?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
How do I fix my low self-esteem issue?
9
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 10:05am
Hey everyone. I've been single for quite a long time, but I've recently met a guy two weeks ago and we've been seeing each other almost every day since then. In my past I've always screwed things up because of my low self-esteem. I start to like a guy and date him, but I eventually push him away (at least I think) because I constantly need affirmation from him that he likes me, is interested in me - attention, affection, etc. I know it's only been 2 weeks, but I just can't kick these bad feelings. Even though the guy is spending a lot of time with me I start to think "Oh he's just using me" "How could he be interested/attracted to me" etc. So many terrible thoughts that eventually push him away because I get crazy. I need some help. I want to just enjoy hanging out with the guy, but at the same time feel secure. Does anyone have some advice on how I can stop this negative thinking and start to be more positive and to trust that he really is interested? I like this current guy and I could feel myself getting weird with him last night because he wasn't saying that I'm "this or that" or constantly touching me, etc. I feel like he could find someone else in an instant and that I need to go get my hair done and anything that will make me more attractive. I really appreciate any help you can offer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 10:12am

If you really feel that you need help (as you said in your post), then maybe you should consider seeing a counselor or therapist. Self esteem is one of the toughest issues that we face - it can really sabotage things if it runs amuck. If you are not comfortable with that, then at least find a good friend who can help you to see all of the positive things about yourself.

Though, frankly, it sounds to me like there might be something else going on here. Do you only feel like you have self esteem problems when it comes to men or do you feel it in other areas of your life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 10:50am
Only with men. Yes, counseling is an option...I have thought of this before. I feel like this should be something I can realize and overcome on my own though it certainly is hard work.
But once again, yes it is only with men. I'm normally a very confident woman in every other area of my life. I'm scared the man will lose interest, that I'm not doing enough to keep him interested so he'll want to leave. I don't want to invest emotionally without knowing for sure he's interested. I don't want to get hurt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 10:54am

It sounds like talking to a counselor might help you at least sort some things out. Especially if this is a repeating issue for you.

In the meantime, just try to remember to be someone you'd want to date. If you start feeling bad about yourself and thinking negatively, someone else is not likely to see past that either- especially in the beginning stages. If you wouldn't want to date you, you can't expect someone else to either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 12:02pm

I used to be the same way. I was really a confident and outgoing person but, the second that I realized I genuinely liked a man, I would get all neurotic and worry that he was going to leave. Some sort of abandonment thing that really had a lot to do with my childhood. I did see a therapist years ago and it helped me.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 1:50pm

Having low self-esteem is very common, I think.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 10:26pm

Fake it till you make it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 2:29am
I do the *exact same thing* all the time. What I have learned is to just take it slow. Relationships are a big risk and very scary. I hate to put myself out there in fear of rejection. I have had to make a effort to become confident in myself. I have learned to back up and spend some time with myself when I start to feel the need to push for them to constantly tell me and "show" me how they feel. Because I have found 100% of the time it is a turn off for guys-(unless they are verbally abusive control freaks......story for another day! ha!) But get a good friend or e mail me when you start to question yourself. That is what I have to do and it really does help. good luck and keep me posted!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 7:28pm

First and foremost, we all have issues. No one is 100% confident, 100% of the time. That said, you may need a little assistance to help you get onto your feet. Has something happened in your past to cause this?

Just know this: A good man will not stay with a women with low self esteem because it will burn him out. A bad one will see you as a target. Don't lose this good guy (if he is one) by questioning his every move. Unless he gives you a reason to feel bad/insecure, keep these things to yourself. It will be hard, but trust me, there are secrets you should keep with yourself.

Buy a journal and call a counselor and remind yourself that your perception of yourself is your own, not others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 10:18am

So this is an update on the situation. Things were going well...we talked about a few things and it seemed as though he was interested and hearing that and talking helped me gain some confidence.

Well. Last night sort of changed all that. I'm right back where I started from. Unfortunately, we slept together the first night we met. We've only known each other for 3 weeks now (still early, yes, but this is the time the self esteem issues rear their ugly head) but we've still hung out almost every day. We decided to wait till Friday to have sex again and last night he told me that he obviously wants to, but he really wants to get to know me and build a friendship first. Supposedly his past relationship started off the same way and it ended badly and he didn't want to get hurt. He mentioned something about usually it's the girl saying these things. He's not ready for a girlfriend right now. I'm upset just writing that. But I got defensive because hearing the word friendship and no sex screams "I'm not interested in you!". I like the idea of holding off on sex and getting to know him, but that's because I know I honestly like him. But I just don't know how he feels. I told him if he wants to be friends then we'll be friends. I feel like I shouldn't kiss him or cuddle with him and it's almost like that's what he's going for.

Am I being crazy? It won't be the first time. I may have overreacted, but I can't help but think this his way of trying to get out. I takes a lot for me to open up and trust people and this "conversation" we had makes me wants to build up a wall. I think I should just stop seeing and talking to him so I don't get hurt any more than I already am.