Hating this single sh#&%!
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| Sat, 12-10-2005 - 12:57am |
I'm just venting here. I just got out of a one month fling, which for all intents and purposes, was all about lust and had no long term potential. I'm relieved that the whole thing is over because he wasn't the right guy for me, but I'm hurting because the experience made me realize how much I craved the physical and emotional intimacy of a meaningful relationship.
I'm just having trouble processing this whole experience I've just been through. I had never before jumped into a physical relationship so quickly (less than two weeks). But what it awakened in me is how much I crave passion and affection and I don't know what to do with this realization. I've spent so much of my life staying on the straight and narrow and this whole experience has thrown me for a loop.
Anyway, going back to this guy is not an option. I'm just feeling extremely lonely and despondent having ended this relationship, which was all about attraction and physicality.
I'm feeling pretty out of it tonight and need support and perspective...

I hear ya. I'm kind of feeling that way myself tonight. A bit of a different situation though, but right now I'm realizing I really miss having a meaningful relationship. Every guy I've had a remote chance of developing something with in the past few months has turned out to be disappointing. It's like, to find something meaningful and real I have to wade through this dating crap- meet a nice guy, flirt, something physical happens (making out or kissing) and then it's just, not right.
I've only been single now for 3 months, so i guess I need some time alone. But I still really miss having a long-term relationship with someone that really was easy to spend time with, emotionally there, intellectually stimulating, all that good stuff.
Anyway, i'm sick of this single sh#&%*! too.
I wish I could offer some support or wise words, but all I have to say is that there are others going through what you're going through, so at least know you're not alone. And when you wake up tomorrow maybe think of the things you learned from this last relationship. You've made a realization about yourself and that's always a good thing.
Howdy!
I try not to think about it.
It was nice to wake up and read these messages of solidarity. Yes, the fling only gave me a part of what I wanted and ultimately became dissatisfying because it was so one dimensional. I know I'm better off and draw a sense of strength from the fact that I was able to walk away and not call him or try to see him again, but it's been a jarring adjustment coming back to my old, unattached self. I've had some great days since the breakup, especially when I realized how much I have going for me. And then I had moments like last night.
And usually I'm able to not dwell on it, stay busy, and take consolation in the fact that I am an independent woman. I haven't had many boyfriends because I'm not the kind of person who needs to always be attached to someone, and I've actually spent most of my adult life being single and unattached. But every once in a while, I get lonely and miss all the good stuff that comes with having a man in my life.
I know things will get better. It just sucks right now.
Thanks again for the support.
its like when you go out with friends or family; you see a couple smooching or flirting, you automatically get fustrated. wondering why u cant get one but other women have them. you start to compare you to that woman and feel either a lil more fustrated or alone...
it does hurt. you start to wonder to yourself "do i have to go through drastic measures to get a man?" but overall YES as hard as it is to say....."MR. Right is coming!" you start to realize "MR.Right is a lil slow......lol"
Perspective...
Ok so if you go into it & know it's just sex, well you can't get mad. It is what it is---sex. I have tried but for myself I can't have sex without it meaning something. I don't know how Samantha on Sex in the City does it. I mean "just act like a man right", it's just sex.
If you realize that you can't do it, then don't get involved with that type again.
Perhaps you're just venting, but you asked for perspective. The informatio below, I found helpful. Take what you need, leave the rest.
For more info. , read on. http://www.barbaradeangelis.com/advice.asp
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4. IS THERE SUCH A THING AS FALLING IN LOVE TOO QUICKLY? WHAT DOES IT MEAN IF A PERSON EXPERIENCES THIS OFTEN?
You are a bona fide "Love-at-first-sight Junkie" !! You are addicted to falling in love, and the instant high it gives you, especially in the beginning of the relationship. Love-at-first-sight junkies are in love with love, and it doesn’t usually take much for you to feel it. Once you get hooked on a new partner, your mental faculties seem to all but disappear, and you say things like "our relationship is perfect" when the truth is, you hardly know the person. And that’s the point. You don’t really want to know him, because if you did, you’d have to take him off of his pedestal and see him as a flawed human being, and that would ruin your fantasy.
I wouldn’t even call what you’re doing ‘falling in love’. It may be more like "falling in lust", or an infatuation with who you think the other person is. You are so commitment hungry that you are looking for a commitment rather than looking for a good relationship. True, some people do know the moment they meet their partner that it is right, but in your case, you’ve made a profession of instant love affairs, so I am pretty sure this isn’t the real thing. And the problem is that once the relationship does become more real, and you are forced to deal with all of the challenges every couple faces, you become disenchanted, feel like you’ve "fallen out of love", and break it off, right?
There are two issues you need to deal with. First, why you keep doing this, and second what to do about your present situation. Let’s talk about the why. "Love-at-first-sight junkies " are usually people with very wounded hearts. I know--I used to be one. When you were small, you probably did not have the loving family you wanted, and in some way felt rejected, abandoned or not good enough. You grow up with this huge, unfulfilled desire to belong, to have someone, anyone , there for you, to fill the emptiness you’ve carried inside you for as long as you can remember. And it doesn’t take much to fill this order. A person comes along, usually someone who is also desperate to feel wanted, and you latch onto each other like two drowning sailors who just discovered a plank of wood floating in the ocean.
If you ever want to have a truly healthy and lasting relationship, and I know you do, you are going to have to face the demon you’ve run from your whole life: your pain. You’re in need of intense emotional healing work. Stop hiding behind your infatuations, and find the courage to look within. There you will find the answers to all your questions and,
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1. WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME TO START BEING SEXUALLY INTIMATE WITH A NEW PARTNER?
I just met someone I really like, and we've been going out for a few weeks. We seem to be getting really close really fast, and there's a very strong physical attraction between us. When is the right time for us to make love? I don't want to rush things, but I don't want to lose this person either?
Stop....slow down....you hardly know this person. You may be a victim of "lust blindness"--in love with the feeling of passion, and not necessarily the person. You might simply have the hots for him or her. Then again, this may be the soulmate you’ve always been looking for. So...how can you tell which it is? How can you be sure you’re not jumping into something that is all wrong? YOU WAIT....YOU WATCH.....AND YOU POSTPONE HAVING SEX UNTIL YOU CAN’T STAND IT ANY LONGER...AND THEN YOU POSTPONE IT AGAIN.
One of the most common and most deadly mistakes many of us make in relationships is "premature intimacy." Several things happen when you have sex too soon in a relationship. First, your judgment of your partner’s character becomes blinded for a while, since you are sexually intoxicated. It will be very difficult for you to be objective about the new relationship for months after you have sex. You’re swept away by the lust, and perhaps only later do you see the warning signs of trouble you should have paid attention to in the beginning. Second, you are mixing someone else’s energy with yours without really checking him or her out first. Sex is an intense sharing of mind, body and spirit, whether you experience it that way or not. You are merging your energies with those of another person. Do you want to spiritually and psychically merge with just anyone? I didn’t think so. Third, becoming sexually intimate with someone has become a much more serious and possibly deadly undertaking in the past few decades than it used to be in the pre-AIDS era. There is no one hundred percent risk free sex, so you’d better be sure about your partner in every way possible.
Here are my guidelines for deciding when it’s right to become sexual with someone:
You should be intellectually and emotionally intimate before you are sexually intimate
You should spend at least twice as much time talking and learning about one another
as you do necking or fooling around.
You should like the person. I have a saying:
DON'T SLEEP WITH SOMEONE YOU DON'T WANT TO BECOME LIKE
You should respect the person and his or her values.
You should have gone through some difficult times together (one of you was sick, family crisis, job stress) and seen how your partner operates under stress and howhe or she treats you when you are under stress
You should have discussed birth control, sexually transmitted diseases such as herpes and AIDS, and know as much as possible about your partners sexual history. If you haven't been tested for the AIDS virus, you should do so immediately, and insist that your partner to do the same.
You should have agreed on what form of birth control and safe sex you are going to use.
If you are a woman, you should ask yourself:
WOULD I WANT TO HAVE THIS MAN'S CHILDREN? and
WOULD I WANT A SON JUST LIKE THIS MAN?
These questions serve two purposes: first, they remind you that pregnancy is always a possibility, and will ensure that you are careful about birth control; and second, it will help you to be sure that you are ready to become sexually intimate with this man. Whether you actually want children or not, if you don't like this man enough to want children that carry his genes, characteristics and personality, then what are you doing sleeping with this guy?!!
If you are a man, you should ask yourself:
WOULD I WANT THIS WOMAN TO BE THE MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN?......and.....WOULD I WANT A DAUGHTER JUST LIKE THIS WOMAN? Am I really and willing to support a child if this woman became pregnant?
Now you may be thinking that I’ve taken all the fun out of sex. My answer is:
What's fun about getting your heart broken because it turns out the person you slept with is seeing someone else? What's fun about lying in bed at night next to someone you just made love with and feeling alone? What's fun about having been sexually vulnerable with someone only to find out that they lost interest after they got you in bed? What's fun about an unwanted pregnancy? What's fun about finding out your partner gave you herpes or HIV?
Making love can be one of the most beautiful and healing experiences in the world when you experience it with the right person at the right time, but I've seen it cause tremendous pain, humiliation and heartache for people who experience it with the wrong person at the wrong time. Having sex with someone out of the fear of losing him or her is always a mistake. If this person is right for you, he or she will understand and honor your wishes and values.