i feel like a complete idiot

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
i feel like a complete idiot
6
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 12:52pm

Awhile back I met this guy through a friend. We were at the bar, things lead to things and we spent the night together. I think I posted something on here about this- we didn't have sex, but he spent a lot of time pleasing me and well, since i've never done a one night stand I was left feeling confused after the fact.
He'd call and we'd talk and have great conversations. We started talking on MSN, but everytime we talk it's me initiating the conversation- but he really talks a lot and keeps the conversation going for a long time.

Anyway, well I was trying to get over him, since he hasn't asked me out and I don't want to keep aggresively pursuing him if he's not that into me. I had a date this last week, and honestly in my head I kept comparing my date to this other guy (he's not as smart, doesn't make me laugh...etc).

Last night I was talking to this younger, new female friend of mine at the bar. I started telling her about this guy and she then described him and I was like "yea, that's him." SHe told me they kind of dated a bit a few years ago- nothing really happened but she thought they were friends. Then, one night they were meeting up to go out for the night, and he slammed his front door on her and held it shut. She was obviously hurt by this experience. She's a really sweet young woman, who's not that attractive and is a bit clingy, so i'm sure he had whatever rude-reasoning for trying to get rid of her. I just think that is so, low though.
And then she said how she hears he's currently involved with some older women right now!

Needless to say i'm shocked-considering he told me he's too busy for a relationship and considering he has told me he doesn't do casual sex. I feel soooo dumb. Like he must see me as naive and clingy as that other girl. And he's just being nice to me so that he doesn't look like a jerk. I'm going to confront him, just to get this off my chest and then delete him from MSN and get on with my life. But it hurts so much- i really felt like there was a connection there and I don't see what i did to not attract him. I think i'm a very sexual, passionate person- but i'm thinking i've come across as too intellectual and quickly lost his interest. *shrugs*

I feel sooo stupid and ugly right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 12:57pm

Maybe it's best not to let your anger get the best of you and say anything to him at all. It sounds like he gets pleasure in making women feel insecure and clingy and I bet he likes to collect stories about women having tantrums in front of him because it shows how irresistible he is or something. Don't give him the pleasure. Force yourself to be cool and act like you don't care, and within a few days, you won't!

I recently had an experience with a shady guy and I hate to admit that I still think about him. I think about wanting to see him and maybe he's not the bad guy I think he is, but I also think about contacting him to tell him how lame he is. And then I have to smack myself and say, DO NOT CONTACT HIM. It would just be giving him the upper hand.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 1:02pm

I agree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 2:31pm

I agree - take the focus off him and put it back on yourself. This guy has issues from the sounds of it, but you don't need to let his issues make YOU feel "stupid and ugly."

Seriously, it's his loss -- you said yourself that you're passionate, sexy and intellectual. You sound like the full package, and another guy out there will be thanking his lucky stars when he meets you. Screw this guy - he doesn't deserve you.

Keep telling yourself that you are smart, sexy, beautiful, and list off all the things that make you great. Don't let some guy ruin those things for you or make you stop believing them.

I hate that there are men in the world who make a habit of cutting down women like this. Fortunately, there are also men in the world who genuinely love and respect women.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 3:28pm

Wow- ok, i didn't read this and didn't take any advice from here. I did see him online about 2 hours ago and did say something to him. He came clean with the fact that he was sort of seeing someone, though it was at a platonic level still, and was breaking up with her a few weeks ago.
I told him i wished he had just been honest with me. We talked and then he called me and gar, again a great conversation.
So we're friends and I just have to get that through my head. He seemed worried that i was angry with him and wanted to smooth that out- so i'm thinking he may have been gaging me and not wanting to move things fast, and perhaps that's what he's still doing.

Anyway, i'm really happy i did say something. If i can keep a friendship with him, great! It's hard to find someone as a friend in this town, and especially hard to find someone with as many commonalities. Right now I really have to start enjoy being single and just have to let him be only a friend in my head.

Was kind of funny how i took control of that situation though- i think i really affected him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 7:03pm

My thoughts exactly.

To the OP - You are not dumb or an idiot - don't let his shortcomings make you feel badly about yourself. I also agree that no contact is the best policy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 7:15pm

It sounds like she already made her decision to contact him.

Have fun but be very careful. From what you said he sounds like a shady character. Know that you might be making a big mistake by getting involved with him and be willing to learn some hard lessons if it all blows up in your face. I'm coming from a place of my own disappointment and pain, but know that you might be hurting a lot in the future because of this guy.

For your sake, I hope I'm wrong, but it's your life.