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friends....
| Tue, 12-13-2005 - 11:58pm |
i noticed a female friend of mine always wanted to meet with me and talk and spend time with me when she was so to say between boyfriends or when she has some issues with the boyfriends. then she needs my advice and time, etc. but when a new b/f appeared she started to cancel our meetings and does not have time for our friendship... she is staill calling, but doesn't initiate meetings and prefers to go to her b/f events than to come out with my friends... there was nothing bad b/w us, but i don't like this type of attitude. she knows a new guy for a month or two, and she prioriteses him over a friend who had been with her through her difficult time...
i guess the answer is self-evident... but i don't know either to just let it go and never tell her, or tell her openly about it (which will mean the end to the previous type of open friendship we had)... i feel insulted though
any insight or similar experience from the girls?
i guess the answer is self-evident... but i don't know either to just let it go and never tell her, or tell her openly about it (which will mean the end to the previous type of open friendship we had)... i feel insulted though
any insight or similar experience from the girls?

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yes i agree with you. and i have other friends of course.
the problem is what do i do next time when she has a problem with a b/f or loses one? she will start calling me, but i'll have to distance myself from her, because i'm not going to be used like that. and in this case i'll be a guilty one from her point of view. so it seems to me a no win situation.
exactly!
I once read in the excellent book by Karen Horney on women's psychology, that according to her studies girlfriends friendship plays 'a surprisingly small role in a woman's life' - quote.
But it's a pity really, because men will never understand us as much as we understand each other.
I guess I have to make friends based on the interests and something in common. But I'll definitely not tolerate this type of attitude from anyone.
It's sad though...
I have to admit it, I do this. I have been called out on it by my friends and now that I'm going through a break up I am getting in touch with all my friends again. And some of my very best friends that I love dearly tell me that I do it. And that helps. Then I understand how they feel.
And it makes me make more of an effort to be a better friend. Sometimes I'm not even aware that I am doing it.
I say, if she is a friend that is worthwhile to have around tell her. If you are honest then she may open her eyes. You may be more important to her than you know.
Its not surprising that we do this because we have to learn to reset our priorities if you will and when a new partner comes along, they become a greater priority. I'm not against women cutting SOME of their time with their female friends for a boyfriend but as with all things, moderation is key. Both relationships can suffer if there is an imbalance.
I've done this and it was a devastating period in my life when that relationship ended and most of my friends were no longer around. Now I am sure to balance out my priorities with my boyfriend having an edge. I mean when I get married, he'll become my #1 priority followed by my family and then my friends. I don't see anything wrong with that.
I would try really hard not to turn my back on my friends that did this because when the love ends, the friends are hopefully there. They weren't in my case and I really really needed them. Now a repeat offender---well then I'd cut my ties.
Rubyshoes
I have some friends who have done that before. One is my best friend. I pointed this out to her, and I think she thought I was just whining. However, her best friend does that to her and rarely speaks to her and now she knows how it feels. I think it is important to have a balance, but you shouldn't just ignore your friends. Remember they were there for you before the dude and they'll be there after.
I don't agree with putting the friends last after your man, then family. Well, maybe my situation is different. My friends are just like family to me.
I have a friend that has fallen to the acquintance level. She and I were really close in college, but since she started dating her current boyfriend several years ago...she has really changed. She acts as if she has to keep her time free in order to talk to her boyfriend on the phone in case he calls, but I think he's just a controlling person, so that's another topic. She completely isolated herself from me. I have to contact her in order to get together. When we do get together, she has nothing positive to say to me. She doesn't really have any girlfriends, she just hangs out w/some people from her classes. And that's just to attend their tupper-ware like parties. All I can do is pray for her. You should never isolate yourself for a man.
Hi Irena:
I recoginzied myself in your post...when I was in my 20's-30's adn try not to do that anymore. Unfortunately, women do have a tendency to do this. We give p everything for h guy unless we realize what we are doing & have a good healthy life full of activities & friends. We don't rearrange our lives around the guy. It is usually the codependent/low-self-esteem ones that are searching for their identity in a relationship rather than have a solid base of who they are. They don't realize that their lives need balance. People (not just women) do this all the time. They shut out friends & family when a significant oher arrives & then when that person is gone, then they go "hey where are my friends". I have also noticed this trend with maried people. People that used to be single go & get married & then forget about their single friends. It's like we remind them of that "previous" life.
She will relaize when she disses friends like this & when there is no guy in her life and no friends come around...that is when she will realize it.
I would say something to her objectivly...like "hey I notice when you are w/ someone we don't get together that often". I am being very nice here. It depends also on how much the friendship means to you. Some people never see it.
Just my 2 cents, but I have been there. It is irritating.
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