How do I stop loving somebody? Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
How do I stop loving somebody? Help!
7
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 10:02pm
I had a crush on my co-worker and the feeling was mutual. Although both of us know that work place relationship is trouble, we both let the fresh won over us and we dated for a while. He really, really did not want to date a co-worker and after a while, we stopped seeing each other. Unfortunately, I work side by side with him and within this year, he's married and have a child. I can't lie to you guys, I am so jealous that everything I wanted with him, he gave to another woman. I know that my race was a problem for him because he said that he's not "used" to black people. You will think that would have prevented me from falling in love with him but it didn't. I love this guy so much and I am the last person he wants to be with. Hell, he's married and I know that, he will never do anything to jeopardize his marriage. He's so happy that he's married and even happier that he has a child. I am very happy for him but I can't help feeling like a loser. I can't help but feel like I wasn't good enough and that's why he left me for somebody in his own race. You know the feeling you get knowing that something is not good for you and yet you can't stop doing that thing? That's how I feel about this guy. I was there before he met his now wife so clearly, I wasn't the one for him but unfortunately, I am in love with him and I feel like when I am around him, I make fool of myself. I always want to be around him but I think I make him uncomfortable so he tries to avoid me (or at least that's what I think although he said it's not true). I don't want to do this any more. I want to stop loving him but I don't know how. You would have think that him marrying another woman and giving her everything I want from him would help me stop loving him but it's not working. I don't even know if I could have made him as happy as he is right now but I still want to be with him. I don't know how I can love somebody so deeply. The last time I felt this way, I was with the guy for 9 years. This guy is happy with his family and wants nothing to do with me but I want everything to do with him. How do you stop loving somebody so that you can move on or at least have inner peace?? Oh, he usually flirts with me so much but I know that it's going no where because he's happily married and have a child and he will do anything to keep his family together. I know that he's toying with my affection but I can't stop myself. Please help because I am very, very, miserable right now. There are few things in life that hurts like rejected affection. Sorry about the length of my post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 10:42pm

I read most of the post- was a bit lengthy- but ok, i have a bit of advice. Which comes in the form of an equally lengthy post. Sorry, haha, but here's my little story:

I went through something similar. I worked with this guy, we became really good friends, nothing ever really happened.
Well, I moved. While i was away, I had a number of dreams about him and started feeling regret that nothing happened between us. I moved back to the city a year later, we hung out a couple of times. I was really starting to think something was there between us, but i couldn't tell if he was interested.

I started seeing somebody. A week after I started dating this other guy, my old co-worker (i'll call him Pete), got a friend of his (also a former coworker of mine)to call me. We talked on the phone a bit and then next thing i know his friend is asking if i'm interested in Pete. I told him i was, but that i was seeing somebody, but would definitely want to see if there was something there with Pete.
Anyway, "Pete" never asked me out, and by the time he tried to, i was already more committed in my relationship. Next thing i know, he's dating someone else and within months they're engaged.

Now he's happily married. We still chat online now every so often and i still really think he might have been the one. Everything i could picture having with him, he has with this other woman. They're happy, but every so often "Pete" will say something flirty towards me and i just feel "i could see you as my husband. i think i still love you, but will never ever know what it would have been like." And i just can't stop loving him.

Anyway, the point to my story: we all have these lost loves. I shouldn't say "we all" but many women, and men too, have people in our past that we messed things up with or that the timing didn't work, whatever the case may be. While you still love him and will always love him, you should also remind yourself what you learned from this experience. In the future, don't let work situations make or break a relationship.
You two just weren't meant to be together, but doesnt mean you can stop loving him. Time will definitely help. And eventually you'll meet someone else and find something to love about them. I don't think you'll ever stop loving him, you just need more time to let the pain subside.

If only i knew a way to turn feelings off- i'm going through something right now with trying to get over a guy i had a one-night-stand with (which i thought was more than that). And it's hard! but, ok, enough rambling. You will move on, just give it time and do things to nurture yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 12:50am
I m not so sure it was race that he had issues with. I feel it was simply you! In my experience, I have said many times I m not comfortable dating this or that but when I met someone with these qualities who happened to swipe me off my feet I forgot all about my own rules...
I also doubt it is work. It is probably something that you have that he does not like or something you dont have that he likes... what I m trying to say is you could be way too good for him and he still wont like you and vice versa. So dont feel like a loser! it simply did not work and this person does not deserve your love for one simple reason : He cannot return it. It sounds a bit selfish but you have to eventually admit that love to be real it has to be reciprocated. And I mean all types of love. You cannot love your mom while she does not love u. I recommend that you try to meet other guys, do romantic stuff with someone even if he is not the one at least you know what you are missing by locking yourself in this situation. and you encourage yourself to check out others.
Show him that you are relaxed and careless around him. He should feel you have moved on.
If your work is easy to change, change your job and dont keep contact with him. Not that he did anything wrong it is just that his presence is ruining your life and you deserve much better. Do online dating if you havent tried it. It is a lot of fun and keeps you anticipating...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 10:06am
Well, you are not in a good position. The only way that you will be able to get over him is if you stop seeing him and have no contact with him. Since you work with him, that is tough. I guess you need to ask yourself what is more important to you - your job or your happiness? If you can get another job, I would suggest it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 10:37am
Thank you so much for your advice and that of others. I will put them into practice and hopefully, it will work. The reason why I brought up the race is because, my colleagues and I got into a little bit of a heated argument (and the guy I like was part of it). They basically agreed and stated that, while they won't mind sleeping with a black person or date them for a while, they definitely won't marry one. I don't know what race you are but for me, I think this explains his intention and how he feels about my race. Later on, he tried to justify himself to me by saying that, he has not been around enough black people to get comfortable with them and that I am the first black person he's ever had close relationship with. Unfortunately, this argument occured after things has gone sour between us. This guy has said and probably done things that should make me totally not like him but yet, I can't stop myself. Needless to say, I am working hard on getting over things and letting him go since he wasn't meant for me. Once again, thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it. You are right, he doesn't deserve my love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2005
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 12:00am
I would say if at all possible find another job or something. any way to get away from him. its that old saying you know, out of sight out of mind. I know its not that simple but it would be easier to eventually forget about him if you werent around him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 4:22pm
Thank you so much. I am working aggressively on finding another job. Hopefully, this coming year will bring some luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 11:35am
hi,
your message is heartbreaking. maybe because i have experienced a similiar situation with loving someone who didn't love me the way i wanted him to.
my advice to you is to get yourself out of the miserable, damaging situation. get a new job seriously. whatever it takes, if you love yourself, get yourself out of that situation!
i'm also thinking that you need to seek therapy to get to the root of what is going on within yourself.
good luck to you. you will be ok as soon as you begin choosing yourself instead of loving someone who doesn't truly love you.