dont understand...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
dont understand...
9
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 5:26pm
lately, everytime i meet a guy, i fool around with him on the first night i meet him. like last night for instance, i was introduced to a friends boyfriend's friend. he was really nice, and of course i fooled around with him (i dont go all the way). see, this would be all fine and dandy but they never talk to me after this. he acted so cold this morning, and left without a good bye. i freaked out, i didnt think he'd be that way. i know, its my own fault because i let them and its my decision. but i just dont understand why im becoming this way. ive never been like this. ive always been the good girl. but lately im becoming the one night stand, and i hate it!!!!!!!! it going nuts, please yell at me or something, i need it. i feel like crap... thanks ladies!
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 7:17pm

You're the only one that can control what you do and don't do, and you're the only one to blame for your actions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 8:45pm

ok! here is the yelling: Why do you fool around with a guy you just met!!
Cant you wait for a second date at least! you are making yourself too easy! Have some respect for yourself and leave it till the second date at least!!!

now the more rational stuff:)

I m not quite sure about the messing around and why he stayed over if it was only messing around? He did not say good bye in what way. did he leave while you were sleeping?
maybe he did not want to wake you up...
It is ok to want one night stand as long as you understand the one night part of it :)
but you can have a friend with benefit if you need to have physical relation so much and this will cool you down when you meet ineresting people so you wont jump the gun from the first night
hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 9:38pm

thanks, i know thats all true. i probably am just looking for approval. all my life ive never felt very pretty. i was really overweight for a really long time. now im not and now men notice me. and i guess i like it, but i want more than just sex. ill figure it all out. i just need blunt honesty i guess. thanks for that! im really feeling a lot better about it all now. and i know that if hes a jerk about it, my friend will beat him, not literally! no worries! just feeling a little bad about it earlier today i guess.

he left while i was downstairs changing, because his friend (my friends boyfriend) wanted to leave, we were at her place. but i still dont think thats a very good reason!




Edited 12/18/2005 9:43 pm ET by nicki8705
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 10:31pm

I agree that you're probably looking for acceptance with these guys. It's likely the result of many feelings and experiences from your past and it would really benefit you to discover what those triggers are and why you make the choices you do.

That said, here's my theory on bad choices : Once you've realized it's the wrong choice for you and you're unhappy with the result, you have control over it. Whether or not you choose to use that control is your decision. You need to think about 1) how you get yourself into these situations and 2) how you feel when you do. It sounds like you've thought enough about the latter to figure out you don't like how you feel so now, you just have to keep yourself from getting to the point where you allow yourself to do it.

What are you doing when you make the choice to be with these men? Are you intoxicated in any way? Does everyone around you seem "paired up" and you're just looking to do the same? Or are you just hoping for more and thinking that you'll win one of them over eventually? I'm betting that putting some effort into analyzing this and maybe distancing yourself from the hooking-up environment for a while would be really worthwhile for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 10:48pm
i agree. i do realize what my problem is. im not goin to let myself do this anymore. it's not what i want. and its a mix of having alcohol and not having alcohol. this past time no alcohol. and i just found out from my friend that this guy "wants to just be friends". yea, and he couldn't figure that out before he did stuff with me!! what a jerk! yea, thats just a line to get out of a one night stand and make an attempt to not look like a jerk. oh well, ill be fine. i know that im not goin to do this stuff anymore, its not the way to make a relationship. thanks ladies for the words of wisdom!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 11:10am
you are not doing anything wrong....but sometimes men can be real jerks,and why they act like that I don`t understand it...nothing wrong with having fun,but the guys can be idiots ignoring women like nothing ever happened...what really cracks me up is if you DON`T do anything with a guy,they call you a prude..if you do fool around,sometimes you get a bad rep..but the REAL problem is that you are fooling around,and NOT going all the way..you are teasing the guys,,and that you can`t do..so my suggestion..don`t mess around unless you plan on having sex..then they will respect you more...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 11:58am
yea, i used to have the "prude" rep, just because i wouldnt go as far as some of my friends. i never really cared, i joked about it with my friends. but id rather have that back than become the opposite. so im not going to do that stuff anymore, so soon. and im actually talking to a past flame of mine. it all ended with him a couple weeks ago because im stupid. it really was all me. but i explained my weekend and how it made me feel and that it made me think of people ive made feel that way. he was really cool about it. it felt a little odd telling him all of that but he told me to give him a call sometime. and im going to. because hes a great guy and why i was ever so stupid to end it with him i dont really understand. because he never onced pressured me in those months we were together, for cry eye we never even kissed!! i realize how nice that was now. too bad i had to make some stupid decisions to figure that out huh! oh well, i hope it all goes well, and thanks again ladies!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 2:35pm

nikki,
If a guy fools around with a girl and then walks away he’s a jerk…, if a girl fools around with a guy and walks away there “just wasn’t any chemistry”…, why the double standard? Why in the latter case don’t we get to call the woman a bytch?

How old are you anyway?…, my guess is under twenty. So let’s have a quick refresher course in Human Sexuality 101. Our course starts completely pragmatically as we toss out all religious dogma and focus solely on biology and conscious decision….,

…, there are two types of sexuality; that of commitment, and that of none. In a non committal sexual relationship no feelings of true love are exchanged and proper protection is taken to avoid disease and pregnancy. These types of exchanges can be of either ONS’s or last a short while. In this situation both parties benefit by fulfilling their own sexual and emotional needs, even if adverse effects not intended are felt.

…, in a committed sexual relationship (and by the way this is my favorite), no protection is needed because both parties know about each others past, present, and future intimately. Both partners have each others mental, emotional, and physical well being foremost in their thoughts and actions. And both partners have ceased being individuals but are now a combined entity…, much like the words I penned to my last fiancé (who by the way left me for her personal trainer) “when I look in the mirror I only see half a man, because together with you I was whole”…, and this type of sexuality pays off ten fold…., no, a hundred fold.

Sexuality is any sexual contact…, so don’t try to trivialize it like some ex-presidents ( a guy named Clinton comes to mind) where we get to play mental masturbation, and dive into semantics with phrases like “oral sex is not sex”.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 8:27pm
wow, that was so educational. i showed regret in case you couldnt tell. i said he was a jerk because of what he did, he was very inconsiderate of me. and if the situation were reversed and i was the one walking away, i would not care if i was called a b*tch because i would have been. never did i try to double standard the situation at hand. i just wanted to get a few things off my chest about what i did in a place where i thought people wouldnt make me feel like sh*t. thanks for making me not feel so good again. i know what i did was wrong, but wow, i didnt need sex ed from you. i had that quite some time ago thanks. sorry if you found this to be a little rude, but i havent exactly been the cheeriest person to deal with lately due to recent happenings. my appologies.