update--moving on, new guy, and more
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| Mon, 12-19-2005 - 12:17pm |
Hi,
I've been posting on the board on breaking up, but just wanted to check in here to give my latest update on things. I was having a really hard time getting over being dumped by a guy I was seeing for a month. He turned out to be a classic commitment-phobe, having said all these wonderful things until the moment I expressed being ready for something more. Anyway, the abrupt end really crushed me, so much that I went back to therapy to sort out my feelings and how to process the whole fiasco. I also mentioned that I would be leaving home for the holidays early because living in a new town wasn't making things any easier.
I've been home for about a week now and am doing much better. I'd have my ups and downs, but for the most part, it's been incredibly comforting being around friends who've known me for a long time and who only want the best for me. I've had my yearning moments, but it's been two weeks and I can say that it's a lot easier than it was before.
When I told one of my friends about the breakup, she immediately wanted to set me up with a new friend of hers. I was reluctant, but agreed to the meeting because he works in a similar field, is in similar social circles, and I figured we'd probably cross paths at some point anyway. Turns out he's extremely funny, smart, nice, and has made it quite clear to me that he's available. However, it's not an ideal situation because I'm leaving for SB in a week. I've focused on enjoying his company and having fun while I'm away from SB. Nothing romantic has happened (he is much more mature and respectful than the ex was in this respect) because I think he also realizes that starting up anything would only lead to complications. I think what will happen is we'll stay in touch after I leave and just get to know each other from there. We'll see if it develops into anything more.
As far as the ex, I'd been struggling with accepting that he was out of my life for good. I never contacted him and assumed that he'd moved on and had no interest in ever contacting me. And then yesterday he called. I didn't answer, but he left a very casual sounding message about wanting to catch up and see how I'm doing since it's been a while. I don't know what he wants. It was the kind of message you leave for a friend you haven't spoken to in a year. We dated, slept together, he called me his girlfriend, made all sorts of projections into the future, and then dumped me in an email. And now he leaves me that kind of message?
I'm mostly annoyed that he would resurface at a time when I was really starting to feel good about things again. I won't contact him. He may get the message and not call anymore, but I'm afraid I will pick up the next time he calls, if there is a next time. I want to tell him off, make him feel uncomfortable, let him know that I'm doing just fine without him. But I also know that's petty. What to do? Can you block people from calling your cell phone?
Other than that, things are good. I do worry about returning to SB and how things will be. I'll be back on my own, without friends and family, trying to work. I'm pretty sure I can be strong enough not to seek him out, but I worry that I might not be strong enough to keep him from reentering my life. One consolation is that I did start seeing a therapist and we plan to resume our meetings after I get back to SB.
Well, that's the latest. I hope everyone else is enjoying whatever time off they have.

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I came to the message board for the first time about a month ago when the last guy I dated did the same thing to me. We were all hot and heavy for 4 months (talking about the future, etc), he ended things abruptly, and then resurfaced months later to jusy "say hey" (and managed to completely mess with my mind in the process).
The advice I got from the ladies on this board was to have no contact - and it was the best advice ever. I even dropped out a group we both belonged to because I didn't want to see him, or be reminded of him in the group.
Since I did that, I have really been able to move on and not be so sad about the end of what I thought was a great relationship with potential for a real future.
So, my advice to you would be the same as I received: avoid all contact with the guy. Screen your calls for awhile (do you have caller ID on your cell?). Don't give into the urge to call him if it does come up.
There's a new book out by the guy who wrote HJNTIY called "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken." I haven't read it, but I think the title sums it up. You broke up for a reason, he's likely to break your heart again if you give into seeing him and, if you let yourself move on now, you'll be more likely to be open to a healthy relationship when the opportunity arises.
Good luck with the new guy, by the way! Enjoy some new company and the process of opening up again.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
I don't know what in the hell these guys are thinking, but I'm guessing it has something to do with their penis.
I'd have to echo these other comments and say to just let his phone calls and messages and emails go in one ear and out the other. If at all possible, delete them before you even hear/read them. Delete his number from your phone and his email from your address book and everything else that might make communication with him as easy as the touch of a button. Bottom line is, it's just not worth your time.
It's also a good idea to have some distractions, so date away, my dear!
Good luck and at the risk of sounding super-feminist, be strong!
Thanks for the messages of solidarity. I agree, he's a schmuck and sounded quite pathetic and whiny in his voicemail, now that I think about it. I'm so glad I haven't spoken with him. I think he'll get the message (I don't think he's an idiot) and not contact me again. My not showing interest in reconnecting should have bruised his ego enough that he'll leave me alone now. I'm still irritated that he called and it ruined part of my day yesterday.
In the meantime, the guy I was set up with has been a really nice surprise, though we both know that it's not realistic to pursue anything now. It's bittersweet because if we'd lived in the same town and I hadn't just been through this recent ordeal, I would be happy to go out with him. I'm glad we met each other though and that I've gotten to know him in this brief time because he restores my faith that there are good guys out there who will be interested in me. We're having dinner tomorrow, the day before he leaves for the holidays, so it may very well be the last time I see him. I hope that we keep in touch, though, but no expectations or attachments at this point.
My theory is that men are more likely than women to be always looking for something better. We have a more realistic view of what a relationship is and are more likely to accept them, warts and all. Men can be with a great woman in a solidly good relationship but think that it could always be better. Once the honeymoon phase of the relationship starts to ebb, they leave.
Now - this is definitely not true of all men. I have dated men who were very down to earth and realistic in their expectations. But I think it is generally more true of their sex than ours.
auntjules...,
I totally disagree; and I think a man’s perspective is needed here. The more I interact on iVillage the more I’m beginning to understand that men and women think more alike than I ever thought possible.
This type of situation has no connection to the man’s penis…, not any more or less than it would be due to a woman’s clitoris were the roles reversed. We men, when talking in groups, believe women have a greater propensity to be looking for the BBD (bigger, better deal), that women are more capable of switching their love on and off, and that women are more flakey in their commitments to a single man.
Now, we men will agree (and I say “we” as a small group of men I know and how the majority of those guys would respond.., not as an all knowing spokesman for malekind) that women will use the Love word first, will look to solidify the relationship first by naming in as boyfriend/girlfriend, and push for deeper communication, but neither sex has the greater instance of cold feet, and or moving on to someone better (or worse for you dysfunctional types).
I was recently dating a woman for over 2 months. We had begun to get into heavy petting and had basically seen each other every weekend. At a cocktail party we were invited to, I handed out a few (3) cards for my upcoming show, and had an interesting, albeit, intense conversation with a psychologist over the function art plays. Well the very next day she e-mails me and said I embarrassed her and that we shouldn’t see each other anymore. So I reply “Sure, no problem. No hard feelings on my part” and left it at that. Two weeks later she voice mailed me that she didn’t mean to be so abrupt and obviously was trying to weasel her way back in…, of course I never responded.
So these male/female issues are situationally specific and can’t be labeled as his fault or hers. I tend to remember my mom’s teachings that it takes two to make a fight…, so if you don’t take 50% of the fault, you are simply fooling yourself and will repeat the same mistakes over and over again.
I accept my responsibility in getting involved and I don't blame him for all of it, and my particular situation is not what you describe. I never told him I loved him, in fact I was the one who kept my guard up because it felt like things were moving fast (I was enjoying the ride, but also wanted to keep my head on straight). He told me he was ready for a serious relationship, he told me I was his girlfriend, he told me he had intense feelings for me. I told him I wasn't there yet and he assured me that he would wait for me because I was worth it. When I felt like I was ready to open up and put my concerns aside, he bailed and said he's not ready for a serious relationship. I've analyzed it to death and all I can say is, unless the two parties are on the same page at the same time, they probably shouldn't get involved. This whole "I'll wait for you" crap probably doomed the whole thing because I believed him. The other mistake I made was starting a physical relationship before the emotional bond was there. But I don't regret the entire experience. I think we both made a lot of mistakes along the way and he'll hopefully have drawn lessons for the next time, with whomever he hooks up next. I know I have learned some valuable lessons.
But in this instance, the man was able to pull back much more quickly and easily than the woman was (me). Once I had feelings of attachment, they didn't just go away. He was able to write me a quick email to break things off. I could never do that. And then he turns up with the most casual sounding voicemail, as if we're old friends. I just don't get it.
In the end, it doesn't matter WHY he behaved this way. It bothers me still, but I don't care as much because I've accepted that he's out of my life. I don't think all men behave this way--at least I hope not, or I'll never find someone I can be happy with!
SBbabe,
My reply was basically to auntjules so I wasn’t describing your situation at all. But thank you for giving more info on what happened to you…, this follows my theory that the decline in the solidity of relationships is directly linked to sexuality…, in your case the deepening of feelings through sexual contact that had not had time to develop emotionally.
You definitely got the short end of the stick on this one. That man was a chickenshyt wimp by sending an e-mail. In the end he showed his true colors and it’s too bad you didn’t have time to see that side of him before you were too emotionally involved to get out unhurt. That type of pain I do not wish on anyone.., I’ve certainly experienced more than my share of it!!
I have never broken anything off via phone or e-mail…, and in defense of mankind I have to say all the guys I know live up to that standard too. It’s called doing the right thing and being responsible for your actions…, but who knows…, maybe guys from Seattle just have better manners…., I at least know were not wimps!!
I hope you do much better next time…, you deserve it! I can tell by your writing that you have a BIG heart and my caution would be to not start any long distance relationships because this is another slippery slope to travel across.
SBbabe,
Sorry, that first paragraph of my last post was meant to say that I had a theory about the solidity of new relationships..., as a society we are so quick to enter into sexual relationships that this has a negative impact on our ability to develop emotional bonds free from the powerful feelings of sexuality which can fog our emotional growth.
The way it was wrote it sounded like I had an epiphany that sex and relationships were inexorably linked..., duh!!
Oh, boy, as a Seattle resident, I got a big laugh out of your theory that Seattle guys might have better manners than to do that ;-). I'm glad to hear that you are not one of the Seattle guys who does that (or worse, disappears without a word after you've been seeing each other for a while), but unfortunately there are plenty of your compatriots here who do ;-).
That said, I do think that there are situations (NOT SBC's, but after just 3-4 dates, for example) where breaking it off by phone call or email is emminently preferable to dragging the person out on a date only to break up with them.
Sheri
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