Best way of breaking up

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Best way of breaking up
45
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 6:17pm

I see that a theme in one of the discussions is how guys and gals break up.
So I am curious if there is such a thing as a "good" breakup process, i.e. is there a good way of breaking up? and if so, have you either done it that way or had that done to you?

For me, my intention is that it should NOT be a surprise to the other person when that happens. I think that is the hardest part... expressing doubts, fears about the relationship BEFORE the final announcement. I hope to be able to discuss before anything like that happens.

Views? Experiences?

Mark

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 6:31pm

Hi there, Mark,

In a longer term relationship, certainly an effort should be made to address concerns and resolve issues before breaking up. So a breakup should not come as a complete surprise because the issues would have been raised previously.

I think a "good" breakup is when the person ending it makes clear what the issues are that caused the breakup decision (and again, in a LTR these should not be a surprise), and gives the other person time and opportunity to process it, ask questions, etc. The breakup should also be as clean as possible--no back and forth. Make a clean break and if you want to try to be friends down the line, say so, but let it be up to the person who was broken up with to decide when they are ready for that (unless they are being totally unrealistic and saying they can be friends right away, which is almost never true, then cooler heads need to prevail).

In a shorter relationship, whether issues are broached before ending it depends on what the issues are, I think. If you have dated someone for 2-3 months and realize you're basically incompatible, for example, it doesn't make sense to try to "work on that"...you should just let the other person know that it's become apparent that you're not a good match and therefore you're ending it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 7:40pm

Well since I’m one of the few guys here I’ll chime in from my point of view;

It is always easier if you are the dumper not the dumpee. This is unfortunate but true…, I’ve seen amicable breakups where one person still got hurt because they got dumped…, and I’m sure this woman would not have been upset if she had dumped him first.

I believed differently up until all the women on this board told me otherwise, but; cease all contact and don’t worry about them. If they need to talk they will call you…, I still don’t understand this one?

And I’ll get slammed for this one, but…, here it goes…, the guys and I developed what we referred to as “safe distancing maneuvers” where we take certain steps to start the breaking up process in the hopes she’ll figure it out and break up with us…., then we can play the hurt dumped guy routine and basically get off the hook. This entailed things like becoming scarce, not returning calls (to a point), making plans to fill our calendars, working as much overtime as possible, forgetting important dates and engagements, and discussing subjects we know will cause friction…., I know this sounds bad, but guys really take a lot of heat, especially in social circles, when we breakup with a woman…, but if we get dumped there is literally no payment at all!!

Sometimes breaking up can be an exhaustive process…, I had to break up with this nurse that I was seeing 4 times until it took…, we had only been dating 3 months and she balled like it was the end of the world…, so I tried to work on it…, till I could take it no longer and tried to leave again…, still she cried.., around and around we went…, so I planned a vacation for us and by the time we got back we were basically not talking to each other…, I never had to mention breakup after that…, I guess it was implied…, she was still pissed at me and that was one of the times I never called back to see how she was doing…,

…, heard she got married a half year later…, I seem to have that affect on a lot of women…, of course I also heard she got divorced a year after that…., which is a lot like a couple of the other women I was involved with too and I certainly can’t be blamed for that…, which gives me hope that I can’t be blamed for the prior either.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 9:48pm

I don't get it.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 11:14pm

Re contact with the person you dumped: the bottom line is, YOU caused her the pain she's feeling, so why on earth would she want to TALK to the person who caused her the pain? It's like rubbing salt in the wound. You can worry about your exes all you want...but don't ADD to the pain you've already caused!

And yes, the slow fade to get her to break up with you is a terrible, terrible thing to do to someone...you cause HER pain so that you can avoid getting grief from your friends?? Nice. I'm curious, what do you say when she asks why you're behaving this way?

Re the nurse, why let yourself be emotionally blackmailed? Ironically, she would have been MUCH better off had you been firm and stuck to your guns, rather than dragging it out.

I wonder...do you see a pattern in the women you date maybe not being shining examples of emotional health and stability? If they are going out and getting married mere months after your relationship with them ended then it sure doesn't seem likely that they are stable, healthy women.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 9:30am

Mark,

You raise a really interesting point. I agree that it should not be a surprise and that means open communication throughout a relationship. But even that can be tricky. The only man that I was ever in love with would have a "talk" with my almost every 3 months like clockwork. Basically, he would reiterate that he was not sure whether he wanted to get serious or where we were going. While I appreciated his honesty, it had the effect of making me walk on emotional eggshelss and I was never able to relax. It literally caused me anxiety - when was the other shoe going to drop? So where is the happy medium? Or is it relationship specific? I was in love with him but he was not in love with me - had we both felt the same way would it have been more appropriate?

I should have told him at the time how it made me feel - the fault was mine in not communicating back to him for fear of losing him. I won't make that mistake again. By the end of the relationship, he had figured out that I was holding back out of fear and that I was not as OK with the state of things as I pretended to be. Knowing that, he did his best to be there for me and yet give me the freedom I needed to get on with my life.

I don't think that there is a pat way to "do" a breakup. But it's always important to communicate and to think of how the other person may feel and to be respectful of one another. That's how I try to be and the couple of times that I have broken up with someone, I have done my best to do right by them given the particular circumstances of the relationship.

What more could we ask for?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 9:34am
The "safe distancing maneuvers" make me sick. And you admit this and are the same man who talked about women asking for more divorces. Maybe most of those divorces are caused by men who lack a set and pull this kind of crap because they are too cowardly to do the manly thing. You accused me (without knowing anything about me or even having been here long enough to read a good number of my posts) of ignoring statistics and still saying "it's all mens' fault" and then you post something like this? Oh, brother.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 11:57am

Well, gosh, hearing that from your SO would make anyone anxious! But OTOH, it's better that you knew he had serious doubts about the two of you (or at least I would prefer that to not having a clue that he wasn't on the same page with me until the breakup). What I would like to say I would do now if I heard something like that is tell him, ok then it's probably best if we stop seeing each other until you make up your mind. Because that's not something the two of you can work on *together*...that's all him.

When I referred to bringing up issues, I was thinking more of the types of things that have to be worked on IN the relationship...such as communication issues, etc.

But yes, communication, empathy and respect are very important...and the complete and utter lack of any of those in my disappearing ex situation is what makes me so, so angry about it. A simple, civil phone call is all it would have taken. Sure it would still have been painful, but SO much less painful than this.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 12:34pm

Really I don't see how that's passive-aggressive..., just because I don't want to have a relationship with someone anymore doesn't mean I don't care about them..., that's the point of the call..., is she doing ok?

Women pull this crap all the time..., "I love him, but I'm not in love with him"...,

Thanks for clearing that up..., the next time I hear a woman uttering that phrase (most likely, by the end of the week), I'll call her on her bullshyt and tell her she's passive-aggressive..., I'm sure she's going to accept that.

Once again, it's wrong for a guy, but ok for a girl..., women want things both ways and it just can't exist like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 12:43pm

Sheri,
Every woman I've ever gone out with (since it's advent) has been on, or at some point in time been subscribed antidepressants. Also, every woman at work is the same..., I don't really know if any of you are emotionally stable or not...,

Is there any women on this board that can say these drugs have never been in their systems...., I can say that..., and I would say thay all my close personal male friends have never needed it..., we're quite happy being us..., and men are more suited to being single and taking the ups and downs of dating...,

..., women just go through so much pain and misery in the dating game..., men's skin is thicker; we don't take things so emotionally....

..., so a babe screwed me and left..., big deal..., there'll be another bus along the route anytime. This doesn't mean I'm not looking for my soulmate either..., I want LOVE, not this neverending string of failed 3 month relationships!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 12:44pm
You can love someone, not be in love with them, and not call them after you break up with them, all at the same time. It is possible.

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