Still moving on
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| Sun, 12-25-2005 - 10:38pm |
I returned to the board today after a few days away. I read the discussions related to my original post about the guy who'd dumped me over email only to try to reconnect. I just wanted to give the latest.
Well, he tried again and again to contact me. With each voicemail, it became clearer that HE wants to talk, as he's dropped the whole, "call me if you want to chat" posture. The messages and calls continued to mess with my mind, even though I was 300 miles away and enjoying the company of friends and family. Finally, on Saturday morning, I was about to have breakfast and my phone started ringing again. It was him and I answered. We talked very briefly and I was very cold. He tried to engage me in a conversation, but there was no acknowledgement of his lame-a## behavior, an apology, or anything. I know better than to expect any of this. I was clearly not using my brain when I answered the phone, but giving into weakness. I told him I couldn't talk and he said he'll call me again after I return to town (I was home for the holidays at the time). I didn't say anything in response but instead just said I had to go.
I am upset with myself for letting this continue. I was so ready to move on, figuring he just wanted to blow me off and that I deserved so much better, but my resolve is getting shaky.
On top of everything, I met someone else and I like him a lot. He's a totally different person than the ex, though. He's mature, considerate, and we share much more in common. He's also the kind of person I can see fitting in with my friends and family, whereas I could never see this with the ex. We've known each other just a short time so it's not serious (it's also long distance), but I like him enough to want to see where things go. We were introduced by a mutual friend and he's been telling her that he likes me and is really appreciative to have met me. On many levels, he seems like a great fit for me and I'm so worried about messing things up because of the ex. The new guy is driving four hours to spend New Year's with me and a friend. I'm really looking forward to spending more time with him, and hanging out with him and my friend as a group. At this stage, though, I don't know where any of this is going (with either guy), so I feel paralyzed.
So you can see a lot has changed over the last few weeks, but I'm no closer to feeling a sense of security and peace about my decisions and situation with men. I'm back in SB now and have no idea what's going to happen in the next few days. I'm mostly scared right now.
Edited 12/26/2005 12:11 am ET by santabarbarachick

When I go into fear, I work on just sitting with it.. not trying to push it away or make it better or deny it or distracting myself to forget about it. Once I am able to sit with it quietly I find I'm at a better place in handling it. Marshall Rosenberg's Non Violent Communication process shows that for every negative emotion (such as fear) there is an unmet need (such as clarity, harmony, ..).
I find another way of dealing with uncertainity and fear is to sit quietly and go inside to get in touch with my core, who I am, my center/peace.
Take care,
Mark
I'm sorry to hear that your ex is too selfish to leave you alone. I'm also sorry to hear you say that you don't know where this is going with either guy. I think it's pretty clear that things with the fling guy would go nowhere that you want, even if you did start seeing each other again...but it's up to YOU to decide that, and put appropriate boundaries in place (which in this case would mean not speaking to him again). I know you don't WANT what he's offering, so why even entertain the thought?
I'm glad to hear that the other guy is coming to see you for NYE (although you really need to think long and hard about whether you really want to attempt an LDR...I wouldn't touch one with a ten-foot pole after my experience, personally, but I do know of a few that have worked out).
Sheri
Thanks for the input. When I get time to myself, I can see things more clearly and rationally, but lately I've been overwhelmed with the holidays, dates, and unexpected phone calls. It's hard to keep your wits about you. Sheri, you're right, the one-month guy isn't offering me what I want. My main motivation in answering the phone was to see if he realized he'd blown it and apologize for screwing things up so badly. I cut the conversation short because the rational half of me then kicked in and said don't give him a way back in.
I admit I'm being indecisive, but I'm so uncertain about everything. I had spent a lot of time on my own before these guys came into my life. I thought I was so sure of what I wanted, what I wouldn't put up with, etc. Now I'm afraid that I'll either enter a doomed relationship (long distance guy vs. the one-month guy) or go back to being alone and sad.
I've never dealt with relationships with any degree of certainty (hence my singlehood). I've spent more of my adult life being single than paired up with someone, but whenever the question of entering a relationship comes up, I usually go through a lot of torment and conflictedness about whether or not I'm doing the right thing, if I'm being overly cautious, not cautious enough, etc. I consider myself a sensible person, but when it comes to matters of the heart (or hormones, I suppose), I have a much, much harder time doing the right thing.
Anyway, I am far from perfect and all figured out in this department. It still helps to check in and post here, so I will continue to do so. I may make more mistakes (though I will try to muster all the strength and sensibility that I can), but I will hopefully avoid the huge landmines ahead. Please continue to chime in with your advice. I do take it all into consideration.