Making Peace With Being Alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Making Peace With Being Alone
105
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 10:04am

I'm wondering if anyone else out there feels that realistically they may not ever find the right guy and may have to make thier peace with being single for the rest of their lives.

Granted, I'm almost 28 and still young, but I don't feel like the dating pool will get any better than what it is now (and it doesn't help that everyone older than me tells me it only gets worse)and I'm trying to accept that marriage and family may not be in the cards for me, no matter how badly I want it. I see so many females entering their 30s and 40s and giving up on finding a man and I think, that may very well be me.

But what bothers me most, I do want a family of my own. I'd love to raise children with a wonderful spouse. But I feel like I have to be realistic and admit that it may never happen.

Is there anyone else dealing with this or trying to make their peace with this. How do you feel about possibly never having a child of your own or never finding a committed loving relationship. I'm trying to not make it a big deal and focus on other things, the idea is always there. Everytime I see a couple holding hands down the street or a young father with his kids in the park or engagement ring commercials or or anything featuring two people sharing a life together.

How do you come to accept that this?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 10:22am

40 and single - never married.

I don't know if I'm the best one to respond to your post. I've always been ambivilent about marriage. If it happens, fine, if not, fine. And the older I get, the less inclined I am to compromise, so I'm probably not a very good candidate for marriage. LOL

But how do you come to accept the possibility that you may always be single? I guess I fill my life with so much that pleases and fulfills me, that having a spouse just doesn't cross my mind all that often. Yeah, it would be nice to have someone in my life, but it's just not a necessity.

You need to find contentment within yourself, your own life and soul. A partner doesn't complete your life - they are just a nice addition. I don't think it's healthy to rely on a relationship to be happy with your life - I think you need to live the life you have to the fullest, and good relationships developed along the way are a bonus.

As for kids - there's no reason that you can't do that without a husband. You can do AI or adopt, or foster.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 11:51am

Hi there,

I am 32 and single but my situation is a little different because I don't want to have children, so I don't feel that pressure. I would, however, like to get married. I think that how you handle it is a combination of your life experience (which is out of your control to a certain extent) and your attitude towards it (which is in your control most of the time - though we all have bad days).

I have thought a lot about how women say that the dating pool gets worse as you get older. After a lot of thought, I don't think that's true. We get pickier as we age which is not a bad thing. Certainly the number of single men is fewer. But I also find that I am dating better quality men than I did in my 20s, so I guess it all evens out in my eyes.

While there are moments where I feel lonely and the rare moment where I want to give up hope of meeting Mr. Right, I try to maintain a positive outlook and say that it will happen for me. Maybe not as soon as I would like, but that won't make it any less special when it does. But not wanting to have children makes it a lot easier for me to be OK with not getting married until later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 12:25pm

I mentioned this in another post but I think it's worth mentioning again... I think it's ok to "make peace" with something if you're truly at peace with it. If you find yourself denying what's really in your heart, it's not going to work. You're just lying to yourself and no matter how you try, you won't believe it.
Rather than just making peace with it once and for all, I think it's far more productive to make peace with right now. Though this isn't the easiest thing in the world, I think it's more honest than saying "forever".

You're definitely not alone in your feelings. Myself and several friends of mine talk about this a lot. You can't help but wonder if that person even exists. Is it possible to meet someone that likes the same things, leads a similar lifestyle, has similar ideals and ethics AND is someone you're attracted to? I'm not talking perfect either, I realize the toilet seat may be left up once in a while :-) It seems like a pretty tall order if you ask me and I'm not sure it exists. But for me, I'd just be lying if I said I didn't hope so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 1:01pm

Hi cee-el,
I’ve pondered on this situation quite a few times over this last two years of dating…, why is it so difficult to find someone for an LTR?

You could say it was expectation and our standards of what we find acceptable…, but it goes deeper than that. I have met so many women in their 40’s who have never been married and don’t have children. Why is this so? As a 46 year old man, I have been married 3 times all of them lasting about 5 years each, and have one child that was planned…,

Why the change? At first I wondered if something about these women’s personalities had anything to do with it; maybe a side effect of American life, possibly a disintegration of society itself.., but I also wondered if the pursuit of an education, then a career had displaced any need for a family for these women. I always put family first and work second…, maybe this was a reflection of a changed business ideology?

The enigma is that it is the same for men.., lots of men in their 40’s looking for an LTR. And even more interesting is the younger people who have actually never even been in a long term relationship and who don’t see marriage as anything but a nuisance. I’ve heard said that marriage is only necessary if you want to have children…, isn’t this then an indictment of the whole male/female relationship. If we are not even going to get married what impetus do we have to form strong and lasting bonds?

Foxysister said “I guess I fill my life with so much that pleases and fulfills me, that having a spouse just doesn't cross my mind all that often. Yeah, it would be nice to have someone in my life, but it's just not a necessity.”…, which backs up my feelings that most of us are saying we don’t mind someone tagging along but we’re certainly not going to put someone else’s happiness ahead of our own….,

.., if I do end up alone at this stage of my life it’s not even the case of making peace with being that way since I had the experience of family life and what it brings…, you simply miss out on the deep emotional bonds that happen between a man and a woman who will take that extra step…, risk all…., to meld themselves…., their finances…, their futures…, and their personalities together. When you look at it that way I don’t think you’ll find many people now-a-days willing to take that risk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 2:39pm

First, I think you are way, way too young to be giving up and trying to accept that you will probably never marry or have children. I think you should think positively rather than negatively because an optimistic approach will always make you happier than a pessimistic one, as well as attract positive-minded people to you.

You should also consider what you've been doing in the past that has not resulted in achieving your goal of marriage and children. This can be as simple as going to different venues to meet men, or as complex as figuring out why you've made wrong choices in men and learning to make good choices.

In my work, I meet many youngish (26-40), highly educated, highly paid, nice, intelligent, kind, professional men. Many of them are married and raising young children because the married lifestyle is congruent with their personalities and goals, the goals they have always had. These guys are not in bars, nightclubs, spending hours at the gym, watching t.v., or attending sporting events every weekend, and you won't meet them there. These guys are in college working towards doctorates, or working at professional jobs. They are what some consider 'geeks', but most of the ones I've met aren't socially inept at all. They often attend a religious organization, but are not generally overbearing in their religious convictions, if you know what I mean. So you will find them in graduate courses (engineering, science, math), at church, through volunteer organizations, at coffee houses around universities, university libraries, through their friends, etc.

Second, I am 52, have never married and have no children. At the age of 40, I came to the realization that I would probably never marry or have children. This was a couple of years after I experienced a tubal pregancy and almost died. I wanted a child so badly that I discounted the pain I was feeling and almost didn't make it to the hospital in time for emergency surgery, and surviving this made me reevaluate my priorities. I gradually came to accept that I would probably never marry or have children. I did that by continuing to make my life as good for me as I possibly could - educationally, professionally, socially, spiritually, economically, and by having fun - like traveling alone to far off places because I want to see the world, partner or not. I also came to accept my singleness by counting my blessings. I counted all the things I liked about being single and child-free, and the list has grown longer with each passing year.

Living life fully as a single person will bring you success, fulfillment, and happiness. Isn't that what we all seek in life? Marriage and children aren't the only avenues to happiness and fulfillment, and I've met plenty of miserable married parents. So live your life to the fullest. At the end of your life you don't want to be thinking you wasted it because you were waiting for someone to come along before you could begin it.

But again, you are too young to be trying to figure out how to accept being alone and childless forever. It's good to seek acceptance for how your life is at this very moment because this moment is all we really have, at all times. That doesn't mean that you give up desiring marriage and children in your future. Go and do all the things you would do if you had a partner - buy a house, go to school, travel, take that job opportunity, and most of all enjoy all the benefits of being single. Make your own list. Figure out what type of guy you want and then go to the places guys like that go to. The truth is that you might never marry, but if you always do what makes you happy and successful in every other aspect of your life, acceptance will come naturally. You will be too content to feel any other way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 3:57pm

{Charite_99 -- that was a really nice post. I'm glad you shared your perspective.}
---
I agree, 28 is too young to give up on a dream if it's something you really want. I also agree that the dating pool has not gotten worse as I've gotten older (I'm 30). I have met a lot more nice, responsible, good men recently than I ever did when I was younger. They are out there, and many of them are single. It is just a matter of keeping your eyes open, maybe looking in new places, and making it known that you are available.

It might also help to let your friends and family know that you are looking for a nice guy, and be open to having people set you up. Also be open to going out with guys who don't necessarily fit your checklist (looks, job, money, etc.), because you might be surprised by who you eventually connect with.

Don't give up, and keep up the positive attitude. The right attitude really can work wonders!

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 4:04pm
I would agree that 28-years old is much too young to give up on romance. You're in the prime of your life. When you least expected the right man will come along. You could find him at work, at a gym, at a restaurant. It's very tough out there at times. All of us are looking for someone special. Just hang in there. Do not give up!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 4:59pm

When I read your post I wasn't sure what to think. I mean I am 40...is my life over? Am I supposed to just resign myself to never finding someone since that was your choice? Acceptance & resigning seem to be synomous according to your post. I am sorry that you almost died..that is a wake-up call. For me, I choose not to have children & I am fine with that.

How do you live your life when many of the events are emphasizing coupleness? I still cannot go out to dinner by myself on a Friday or Saturday night. I have friends but they are attached. We women are viewed as an oddity if we are not with someone. There IS a stigma. I know we don't need to abide my what society expects, but I feel it's there.

I agree we need to make our own lives fulfilling, but I see nothing wrong with the desire to share my life with someone. I feel like if I accept my singleness it equates to "resigning to being alone". I mean there is a difference between being alone & lonely. It seems you are fine with being alone which is great for you...it works.

I have traveled alone. Sometimes I like it other times I hate it as it amplifies the aloneness. I have no problems being by myself. I don't like it though.

"Living life fully as a single person will bring you success, fulfillment, and happiness. Isn't that what we all seek in life?". I feel like you are endorsing being single. I have no problems saying "I hate it". This does not mean I cannot entertain myself and my life is not fulfilling. I just feel that we are social animals & life is not meant to be lived alone. Wouldn't it be nice to share some fun with someone?

I also am not "waiting for someone to come along before you could begin it.". I own my own home, I have a job, I am in a running club, I have tried churchs, I volunteer.

I want someone in my life to enhance my fun.

I am not trying to come off harsh. I think you gave great advice...find your own happiness, ya-da yada. The poster is way 2 young to give up, but I think she is realizing it is hard to meet people and the reality is that as you age, it gets harder because there are less prospects. That is the sad reality. Now I find guys that are getting divorced or separated. The pool does get smaller.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:09pm
Everyone here gave great advice.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:17pm

This topic comes up a lot among my single women friends (we are mostly in our 40s). I saw a close friend of mine who lives in London but was home for the holidays on Monday...we spent a lot of time talking about accepting the idea that we might be single for the rest of our lives. She's pretty much fine with that, I'm not. I have to say, I envy her peace. She has a great, full life and no patience for dating. She wouldn't mind meeting someone to spend time with, but she's not willing to put the effort into doing so, because it would mean giving up something she enjoys. While I do feel my life is pretty darn good, I do feel a lot of pain due to being single and the ups and downs of dating, and relationships not working out...it would sure make things less complicated if I reached that place of being ok with my single status. Honestly, I don't *care* what society thinks about single status...it's what I *want* that's important to me.

I do want a relationship and am not ready to give up trying yet. However I have to accept the reality that it may not happen, despite my best efforts. I don't want to be sad for the rest of my life because I'm single, ya know? So at some point I hope I will be able to surrender...not give up, there's a difference.

Sheri

Pages