Sour Grapes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Sour Grapes
17
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 9:35am

I just want to know if anyone else can relate to this.

A co-worker of mine has been anticipating getting engaged for the past 6 months. In fact, she's been so sure her beau would pop the question over Xmas that she already began making calls for bands and halls for the wedding. Well, she just got back from her holiday break and guess what...he proposed. So everyone in the office is crowding around her all excited and fawning over her new ring and I honestly, just can't even bare it.

My problem is I feel I have sour grapes. Not too long ago I was with my ex-boyfriend, the love of my life for 8 years and we picked out rings and intended to get engaged in 2003. When it didn't happen by the end of the year, I began to get skeptical. Turned out, he'd been cheating and fell in love with the other girl. As a result, I still feel very sensitive to others getting engaged. It's the whole, why did she get what she wants and I get dumped (even though I technically did the breaking up).

I feel bad cause I should be happy for her, but instead it makes me angry and sad. Engagements, baby showers and bridal showers all make me feel terrible and remind me of what I've been so far denied. I'm avoiding all of them for the time being. But I feel so selfish.

Can anyone relate?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
In reply to: cl214
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 9:47am
I kind of know how you feel...I find it sometimes difficult for me to be super excited for someone who is getting engaged/married/having kids because I feel like "why isn't it happening to me?" and I feel bad because I should be happy for them but I can't help but feel a little bit resentful.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
In reply to: cl214
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 11:23am

"They may be getting married but they're not getting married to the person you're supposed to marry."

Advice given to me once and as cheesy as it sounds, it's right on. And at times, it makes it easier to live with it all if you just remind yourself of that. It's true, too. I've had several friends and family members get married over the years (please stop in if you want to see the largest bridesmaid dress collection in the history of weddings) and I was truly happy for most of them (let's face it, some people make the wrong choice and everyone knows it at the time but them). It's easy to be happy for them because, through all the showers and dress fittings and taffeta, not one time have I had to say, "gee, their groom is really better for me." Same goes for their little kiddies.

They're wonderful, beautiful, and normal but they're not mine and I know they're not supposed to be.
I know that's a little mush-filled and what not, but hey, I believe it and it works for me. Every time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
In reply to: cl214
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 12:14pm

Lesleylou - I LOVE that attitude. I feel the same way (finally - it took some time).

I always thought I'd be the first of my friends to get married, but I will be the last.
I do have a hard time when people get engaged - and if anyone (especially coworkers - not best friends) feels the need to endlessly discuss their wedding plans, it makes me ill. I really don't bleeping care what color flowers you're choosing.

BUT - not one of the people my friends and coworkers have married would be a good match for me. It does make me wonder why it has been so hard for me to find MY match - but I was in a relationship/off the market for five years until last year. So, I guess I haven't given myself enough time yet. :)

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
In reply to: cl214
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 1:16pm

I will concede on that point. I loathe flower talk. Don't want to hear it for more than 30 seconds and don't want to sit next to a coworker blabbing about it for 9 months. But that's probably because I'll even loathe my own flower talk, should it ever have to come out of my mouth.

Same goes for china, linens and band vs DJ talk.

And yes, after a five year relationship, giving yourself permission to take some time to find a match sounds perfectly logical to me. :-)

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: cl214
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 10:15pm

You may have the largest, but I bet I could match you for ugly!


I have a yellow satin number with this sailor type collar/sleeve thing that has something that I can't describe any other way but to call them "pleats."


I have a maroon satin thing, similar to the yellow one.


I have a black (yes, black) one.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: cl214
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 10:18pm

A coworker of mine got engaged on her 30th birthday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
In reply to: cl214
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 11:19pm

Yellow satin with a sailor collar? Off-white with black lace? Yikes... folks, we may have a winner! ;-)

However, I'll see your yellow satin and black lace and raise you a hot (yes, hot) pink strapless and a baby-puke green with a hoop at the bottom. I know it was the "event of the year" and took place in Georgia but COME ON, a hoop!?!?!




Edited 1/4/2006 11:20 pm ET by lesleylou
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
In reply to: cl214
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 11:44pm

I totally understand your sensitivity to the coworker. I mean it does hurt. Who wants to hear someone so damn giddy? We all want love ya know & there is nothing wrong with that? You can learn to tune it out.

I totally ban weddings now. I honestly think you're co-worker is moving way 2 fast, but oh well. Also the divorce rate is still very high, so chock it up to a possible divorce.

I am 40 & never been married. I have lived with one guy whom I dated for 3 years of that I lived with him for 8 months. After that experience I have made it a personal policy to not stay in a relationship that doesn't look like it is leading to a life-long commitment which is what I want. I think 6 months to a year is pretty fair to figure out if I want marriage.

I see a lot of people on the boards staying in relationships for years & then finally getting engaged only to break to off. I don't think the longer you stay in a relationship simply dating will guarantee marriage. I see some people do that & then there is a lot of time wasted. Again just my 2 cents.

Again this is my opinion everyone, please don't blast me.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: cl214
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 7:40am

A hoop??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: cl214
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 8:59am
A few of my girlfriends and I have a bridesmaid party every so often. We all wear one of those godawful dresses we overpaid for along with pajama bottoms and play cards and drink wine and eat cheetos. It's a great way to form a different association with the dresses. Besides, we figure we paid for them and should wear them at least one other time aside from the wedding. I had one nice one but the rest are pretty bad. I love my sister to pieces and appreciate that she looked for affordable dresses but periwinkle polyester looks good on nobody.

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