Another Frustration: Being the Pursuer

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Another Frustration: Being the Pursuer
9
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 10:55am

I was just talking to a girlfriend of mine about how I haven't had a real date in over 6 months. She tried to tell me that my problem is that I always go after the guys, calling them, asking them out and making myself available which in turn, is a turnoff for them because it does not provide them with a chase. She threw out the supply and demand theory and that people typically want what they can't have so I need to play hard to get. Well, I don't subscribe to playing games, if I'm interested in a guy, I ask him out right away and just go for it.

But looking back at my track record, I then end up doing all the pursuing. As soon as I stop calling, I never hear from these guys again, conceding that they just weren't that interested to begin with.

So I stopped being the pursurer and decided to just let them come to me. Well, 6 months later and I have yet to get asked out. Guys don't even ask for my number. It's like I'm damned if I do and sitting home doing nothing, if I don't.

Basically, unless I pursue and take that initiative, I get nothing. It's just so frustrating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 11:42am
Men like to pursue women.I think that is how it should be.You are not doing any good going after them,so just chill out,have fun,go out with friends,and if a man likes you,he will ask you out.I believe men should ask women out on dates,etc...flirt,all that.Notice how guys continue to pursue you even when you say no?it goes to show...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 12:11pm

ITA with your post. Men want to pursue women. It's in their nature to do this. I have 3 brothers and a good friend that women pursue all the time. I asked them if they liked to have women pursuing them and they said of course they liked it but when it came down to it, they'd rather pursue what they wanted. It's more of a challenge for them.

I think women who pursue men are doing nothing but stroking a man's ego, and men have plenty of ego to stroke!

I've never pursued a man. They've always pursued me and all of my relationships have been long lasting. I think it's sexy when men go after what they want. It makes me feel wanted and worthy!
JMO

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 12:21pm

cl,
It's definitely not a turnoff to have the woman pursue, and I certainly wouldn't say that was the reason for your series of lackluster courtships.

Things are a changin' and you need to change with the times, so showing a guy you're interested and pursuing him is a good thing..., maybe instead of the ends of the spectrums you shoud play the middle of the scale. I for one would be very receptive to a woman who initially showed her interest and made it known she likes me..., and I would certainly take the ball from there.

So I suggest to keep taking the initiative but then sit back and let the guy make the next moves..., if he only sees you once or twice and then never contacts you again, or stays in contact but makes no further plans, then most likely he's not interested in you enough to pursue you.

Really I won't ask a woman out until she has shown some recognizable signal she likes me.., I don't believe smiles and casual conversation is enough to show interest.., I look for signs like; did she ask personal questions about me..., did she make reference to doing things with me in the future..., did she initiate touching me, like touching my hand or arm..., those kind of signs.

If I'm interested I ask her out..., if I don't feel any chemistry I won't chase her anymore..., if I do, you definitely won't have to worry about setting any plans because I'll be all over that. However, dating is still a 50/50 prop and if you don't carry your side you'll get dumped....,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 12:26pm

I'm in the same boat! Albeit I haven't pursued a lot of guys, having been single for about 4 months now. But when I have been interested in a guy, I am the one to smile and say hi and take the risks involved in seeing if there's any potential there.
I've heard good comments about my up-front ways- people have told me that i'm very approachable. I've noticed that i've gotten more comfortable talking to men and am proud of myself for not letting my natural shyness stop me from being "out there."

But I have yet to be asked out or asked for my number. I met someone on Saturday night and was so close to calling him last night, but decided to wait longer to see if he calls me first. I don't play games and refuse to be someone like that, but I'm wondering if I should hold back a bit and see if men come to me more.

I agree that it's super frusterating. I don't want to be passive,and I certainly to subscribe to game playing, but I do want to meet mr.right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 2:29pm
Definitely show an interest,smile,talk and be friendly.i do not think men will always chase a women down.I had a friend in high school who I liked,and he was NOt shy..but told me later he liked me but never asked me out because he did not think I was interested!Another guy took his time getting to know me,asked me to go see a movie,but never tried anything.And we hung out quite a few times before anything,but there was no chemistry so we are just freinds now.My ex was always shy with women..but he was a jerk to me anyway..so forget him.But we were friends long time too.A guy I work with actually got a coworker to set him up with woman at work,he did not have it in him to ask her out!So let him go out of his way,then be friendly and flirty..but do not ask him out,that is all.A guy I work with asked me several times about hanging out.has not happened.Whatever.Most guys i have met are jerks,so it is best.But he does not have a veicle right now and he is busy with work and things..so ur schedules and what not conflict.i ma not looking for a boyfreind,I just see it as hanging out and shooting pool one night,that is all.I don`t care how cute he is.I am not into the sleeping around and one night stands,and it seems I am the odd one out,so I am not dating or looking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 3:23pm
There has to be a little bit of a game when you're dating men. I used to think about it that way as well saying, "I will never play any games! I have gotten past that point!". The sad reality is, you kinda have to to play games. Not mind games, but dating games. You have to be smart and available. No man will ever go after a girl if she is chasing after them. They need to have a little bit of a chase. The way you have to go about it, is this way. You have to let them come to you and chase you, but you also have to give them a reason, as well. If you're not giving them the signs that you'd love to talk to them, they'll never risk being turned down. Most men are scared to dealth of being turned down, unless they know you'd be willing to spend time with them. So my point is, you have to make a guy think he is chasing you, but you also have to give him the "okay to proceed". Once you've gone that, let the game begin. You cannot to be too available and you have to keep them on ther toes, at least in the begininng. Get your game on!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 3:56pm

yes, that's my point. A man wants to know he's got a good thing. If a woman is chasing him and pursuing him, well, he'll just think she's desperate and can't get a date and lose interest.

I remember one guy liked me alot whom later became my boyfriend. We'd talk all the time and he'd ask me out CONSTANTLY. Pursued me relentlessly. I later asked him what was it about me that he wanted so much. I couldn't understand it. He told me in his words, "you're a challenge. I love a challenge!"

I know this is a new time and women are becoming increasingly more aggressive to get a man but I still say the old fashioned way of letting the man pursue is the way to go. I'm not saying a man should chase and pursue a woman who's not interested and I'm not saying the woman should play hard to get but obviously if you let the guy know you're interested, he should definitely take the ball in his court. If he doesn't he's just plain not interested. Even the shyest men will pursue a woman he wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 4:48pm
(Sigh)
I SO agree with you! Where is the exasperated icon when you need it? The shyest man always finds a way to you. If he doesn't it's not there. Point blank.
I always think back to my college days with this guy who liked me but I had no idea what so ever. He was so quiet you did not know he was there. Yet he found a way to ask for my phone number. His excuse was just in case he missed an assignment, he could call me up. Well once he got my number, he called non stop.
When I tell you he was shy, I mean shy. He was quiet and didn't make a sound in class and I never knew his intentions but he liked me and found a way to ask me out.
So whenever someone says the guy is too shy to ask them out, I say I don't buy it. He usually finds a way some how.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 7:44pm
I guess it is tough to accept that men are not asking you out?If men are not asking you out,then just chill and go on with your life.Alot of women are single,that is why we have the boards.Nothing wrong with it.Beats the crap you deal with when you are in a relationship..I am happy being single..yes it was nice having a nice boy-friend.But eventually he was not nice to me anymore.I guess the shy romantic side of him was an act.Men are not asking me out.I think it has to do with fact I am a nice girl.You know,the kind that does not put out quick?My ex was mean to me,then pursued a sleazy girl we were friends with.go figure.That is why I don`t cry over being single.He wanted that garbage,and she does not want him.If men are not chasing after me or asking me out,then it is not meant to be.I NEVER pursue guys.Do not call them.freinds are one thing.