Another Frustration: Being the Pursuer
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| Thu, 01-05-2006 - 10:55am |
I was just talking to a girlfriend of mine about how I haven't had a real date in over 6 months. She tried to tell me that my problem is that I always go after the guys, calling them, asking them out and making myself available which in turn, is a turnoff for them because it does not provide them with a chase. She threw out the supply and demand theory and that people typically want what they can't have so I need to play hard to get. Well, I don't subscribe to playing games, if I'm interested in a guy, I ask him out right away and just go for it.
But looking back at my track record, I then end up doing all the pursuing. As soon as I stop calling, I never hear from these guys again, conceding that they just weren't that interested to begin with.
So I stopped being the pursurer and decided to just let them come to me. Well, 6 months later and I have yet to get asked out. Guys don't even ask for my number. It's like I'm damned if I do and sitting home doing nothing, if I don't.
Basically, unless I pursue and take that initiative, I get nothing. It's just so frustrating.

ITA with your post. Men want to pursue women. It's in their nature to do this. I have 3 brothers and a good friend that women pursue all the time. I asked them if they liked to have women pursuing them and they said of course they liked it but when it came down to it, they'd rather pursue what they wanted. It's more of a challenge for them.
I think women who pursue men are doing nothing but stroking a man's ego, and men have plenty of ego to stroke!
I've never pursued a man. They've always pursued me and all of my relationships have been long lasting. I think it's sexy when men go after what they want. It makes me feel wanted and worthy!
JMO
cl,
It's definitely not a turnoff to have the woman pursue, and I certainly wouldn't say that was the reason for your series of lackluster courtships.
Things are a changin' and you need to change with the times, so showing a guy you're interested and pursuing him is a good thing..., maybe instead of the ends of the spectrums you shoud play the middle of the scale. I for one would be very receptive to a woman who initially showed her interest and made it known she likes me..., and I would certainly take the ball from there.
So I suggest to keep taking the initiative but then sit back and let the guy make the next moves..., if he only sees you once or twice and then never contacts you again, or stays in contact but makes no further plans, then most likely he's not interested in you enough to pursue you.
Really I won't ask a woman out until she has shown some recognizable signal she likes me.., I don't believe smiles and casual conversation is enough to show interest.., I look for signs like; did she ask personal questions about me..., did she make reference to doing things with me in the future..., did she initiate touching me, like touching my hand or arm..., those kind of signs.
If I'm interested I ask her out..., if I don't feel any chemistry I won't chase her anymore..., if I do, you definitely won't have to worry about setting any plans because I'll be all over that. However, dating is still a 50/50 prop and if you don't carry your side you'll get dumped....,
I'm in the same boat! Albeit I haven't pursued a lot of guys, having been single for about 4 months now. But when I have been interested in a guy, I am the one to smile and say hi and take the risks involved in seeing if there's any potential there.
I've heard good comments about my up-front ways- people have told me that i'm very approachable. I've noticed that i've gotten more comfortable talking to men and am proud of myself for not letting my natural shyness stop me from being "out there."
But I have yet to be asked out or asked for my number. I met someone on Saturday night and was so close to calling him last night, but decided to wait longer to see if he calls me first. I don't play games and refuse to be someone like that, but I'm wondering if I should hold back a bit and see if men come to me more.
I agree that it's super frusterating. I don't want to be passive,and I certainly to subscribe to game playing, but I do want to meet mr.right.
yes, that's my point. A man wants to know he's got a good thing. If a woman is chasing him and pursuing him, well, he'll just think she's desperate and can't get a date and lose interest.
I remember one guy liked me alot whom later became my boyfriend. We'd talk all the time and he'd ask me out CONSTANTLY. Pursued me relentlessly. I later asked him what was it about me that he wanted so much. I couldn't understand it. He told me in his words, "you're a challenge. I love a challenge!"
I know this is a new time and women are becoming increasingly more aggressive to get a man but I still say the old fashioned way of letting the man pursue is the way to go. I'm not saying a man should chase and pursue a woman who's not interested and I'm not saying the woman should play hard to get but obviously if you let the guy know you're interested, he should definitely take the ball in his court. If he doesn't he's just plain not interested. Even the shyest men will pursue a woman he wants.
I SO agree with you! Where is the exasperated icon when you need it? The shyest man always finds a way to you. If he doesn't it's not there. Point blank.
I always think back to my college days with this guy who liked me but I had no idea what so ever. He was so quiet you did not know he was there. Yet he found a way to ask for my phone number. His excuse was just in case he missed an assignment, he could call me up. Well once he got my number, he called non stop.
When I tell you he was shy, I mean shy. He was quiet and didn't make a sound in class and I never knew his intentions but he liked me and found a way to ask me out.
So whenever someone says the guy is too shy to ask them out, I say I don't buy it. He usually finds a way some how.