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| Mon, 01-09-2006 - 12:08am |
*Warning: This is a loooooong one*
Let me first clear this up, it's not that I don't want the opinions of all posters, it's just that I especially want the opinions of the gals I talk to on a regular basis. I feel like we've developed a bit of comaradarie over time so I'd like to know what you gals think.
That said, here's my question: How realistic do we have to be about what we're looking for?
Scenario #1-
I've been friends with this guy, Mark, for years. We've both had other relationships during the friendship so it's not like either of us is obsessed with one another. In the past few months (and I may have posted about this here) we've hung out like normal but something's different. He'll make comments about us being "together" and "why haven't we given that a try?" Well, I know why I haven't given it a try, because I never felt the need. I wasn't/ am not atrracted in that way to him. Though, I'll admit, the more I learn about him and the more we spend time together, the more I like him. But it's not like that... I just don't FEEL the thing I should be feeling- or at least what I think I should. For the record, we have had "the" conversation. You know, the one where I say "I love being your friend but I don't think you and me together is right, right now."
I must also mention that he's a musician (though that's not what pays the bills) and I have this little thing about musicians and not being able to let go. I don't know if that has to do with this post, but it's likely an element.
Tonight, we had dinner together at his house and while this wasn't out of the ordinary, I couldn't help but feel like it was sell-time for him. I felt like I was there to be convinced that there should be something more between he and I. I'll admit, I thought about it a little more than normal tonight, but that's probably because of scenario #2...
Scenario #2
Some good friends of mine, a couple, have been working over the past six months or so on setting me up with his brother, ironically also named Mark. Mark #2 is a good guy. He's smart, educated, successful, etc. Every time we've met he's been kind, generous, hilariously funny and I feel pretty comfortable around him. I wasn't super-attracted at first but again, the more I learn, the more I like. However, the thing about Mark #2 is, he's recently divorced and has a four year old son. Divorced isn't a deal-breaker for me and, depending on the situation, kids aren't either. No, I don't want to date someone with 4 kids and allimony so high they don't see any of their money. But each situation is unique and I'm willing to look at it as such. Since I'm friends with the family, I know more of the details of the divorce (and the causes) than a stranger would so it makes it easier to see how things ended up this way for this guy. I don't really know him well enough to make judgement past that, but the thing is, I don't know if I want to get in any further.
Last night I went with my friends to play poker and Mark #2 was there and it was a great time. However, there's all this looming over my head and I have concerns that "looming doubt" is not the best foot to start out on?!? However, that brings me to scenario #3...
Scenario #3-
Sam. The original reason I started posting on this board. We met online on a car website. I was researching the car I wanted to buy and Sam offered his $.02's- which ended up being very helpful. After buying the car I decided I would email Sam (we'd been emailing for about a month so this was normal) and let him know what I bought. That email started it all and we began chatting about everything from work (we're in the same industry) to politics, to family and hobbies. We even talked on the phone a handful of times. We had great conversations and the time came where he asked me to meet. I was honest with him and after posting for opinions on this board and consulting some friends, I just said I wasn't ready. Again, I wasn't feeling IT. Whatever IT is.
So tonight I come home from dinner with Mark #1 and Sam calls. We'd sporadically been talking in email over the past few weeks and I'd told him to feel free to give me a call. I don't know why, it just finally felt comfortable for me to tell him to call and (gasp!), we might actually meet. The conversation tonight was so nice. I honestly felt (cliche girl-moment) like I was talking to an old friend. We talked about family, holidays, death, health, weather, movies, vacations... just about everything. I just hung up feeling content. Not uneasy, not perplexed, just normal.
So, if you've made it this far, I commend you. Here's where my real question comes into play.
**How do we know if what we think we're looking for is actually what we're meant to find?**
I'm not talking about those fundamental must-have criteria. I'm talking about individual people. How do we know what's really there, waiting for us? Am I pushing it away without even realizing it?
I suppose I could go on and on but I will torture you no longer. Mostly, this was just therapy for me to write all of this out but if there's any chance you "regulars" have an opinion (and others too), I'd like to hear it. Afterall, it's keeping me up late on a Sunday night and that doesn't happen too often.
Thanks gals. :-)

Okay...I'll try, but I'm not sure I know if what I think I'm looking for is what I'm looking for or not either!
Mark #1 would be really easy to just fall into a relationship with, so the fact that you haven't done that says that you aren't just looking for any relationship.
My $.02 about the not feeling it thing is that if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it.
***Am I pushing it away without even realizing it?*** Lesley, this is a question that I ask myself on a regular basis and the truth is that I did do this for a very long time because I wasn't ready for a relationship and I didn't even know it. Trust yourself and be honest with yourself and you'll know whether you are ready and truly available to men.
As for the whole chemistry thing, you can't force it. There are men that I have become attracted to after knowing them for awhile and that's nice but honestly, it's not really a substitute for feeling that way from the get-go. Chemistry is mother nature's way of telling us that this is a good mate. Now - she is often wrong and sometimes the men we have chemistry are complete jerks. But I don't think that this means that we should not require that we feel that spark with the person we are seeking. Why can't we have compatibility AND chemistry?
The Marks sound OK but it doesn't seem to me like you are overly impressed with either one. If you aren't just pushing them away for reasons that have nothing to do with them, then they may not be right for you. Sam sounds like he is compatible with you, so now what remains to be seen is whether you have that elusive, unnamed extra bonus thing that makes the chemistry and makes you feel like you should with a lover.
Keep us posted!
I knew I could count on you gals.
You're right, #1 would be really easy to just "fall" into something. I couldn't have said that better, thank you. And you're also right about the fact that it's really not what I want.
Frankly, #2 would not be too difficult to see where it could go, either. But you're right about that too. Something in me is just saying it's too soon.
As far as #3, I really don't know enough to make a decision. I'm just glad the thought of meeting doesn't make me uneasy like it used to. Never having been an online dater, maybe I just needed time.
Thanks for helping me sort this out. It is SO appreciated!
>>There are men that I have become attracted to after knowing them for awhile and that's nice but honestly, it's not really a substitute for feeling that way from the get-go.<<
Thank you so much for saying that! I felt like that with both #1 and #2 but talked myself out of it a little because I didn't want to be judgemental. I don't expect instant fireworks and parades from a handshake but a spark would be nice.
It's so reassuring to hear that someone else fears they push things away, too. The more I think about it and the more open I become, the more I realize that I probably do this. I guess I just needed time to realize that I wasn't ready for a relationship yet, though I tried telling myself otherwise for so long.
Phew! Thanks so much. I can't tell you what a help this thread has been for me so far!