Levels of Contentment
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 01-09-2006 - 9:10am |
I was talking to a good guy friend the other night and he made me understand some things about myself and my take on relationships better than before.
We both agreed that we are people that would prefer to be in a loving relationship than be single. The problem I've been having lately is I spend a lot of my free time and weekends hanging out with my girlfriends shopping, clubbing, movies or whatever and even though I have fun, I still feel unfulfilled. I couldn't figure out why having great friends isn't enough when it seems like it is for some.
So my friends explanation was this; there are different levels of contentment when it comes to companionship, some people feel more content with friends, others with family and children, some feel more content being alone and then there are people like us, we get our highest level of contentment from being with a significant other.
A bell went off in my head.
He went on to say that is why when some people get into relationships, they hang out with their friends less, because being with the SO is more fulfilling than hanging out with friends. This made perfect sense to me. When I was in my relationship, I hung out with my girlfriends less and when I did, in the back of my mind, I couldn't wait to get home to my beau. He was always the main event. And that would explain why I don't feel totally fulfilled right now. Friends are great but I don't get the same high or sense of fulfillment as I did when I was in a loving relationship. And I want that back so badly. The feeling of being wanted, loved, desired and missed gives me a crazy high and it's something I can't get from a girl friend. I've been beating myself up wondering why can't I just be happy with things the way they are, but this has helped clue me in on the way my mind operates. It also helps me understand why being in a relationship isn't very important to others.
So now that we figured this out, where does it take us (me and my friend)?? We don't know that answer for that, but I found it fascinating nonetheless.
Does that make sense to anyone else? Any thoughts???

Hmmm...I prefer being in a relationship to being single, also, but I couldn't identify with your description of feeling "crazy high" with an SO. Have you considered whether you have symptoms of love addiction? Do you choose good partners, or do you settle for not so good guys because you want that high?
Sheri
Interesting discussion.
I agree that I get my highest level of satisfaction from being with an SO, BUT I also need friends, family, interests, etc. I think the greatest satisfaction comes from having a strong, extended network or community. I don't think most people can have all their needs met by just one person - we are social creatures for the most part.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
I'd venture to say this is somewhat true for most people. A partner gives us things that nothing else can. But not 100% of what we need.
For example, I think I've said this on the board before but I never expect my partner to talk about PMS, shoes and sports-bras and I need to talk about PMS, shoes and sports-bras. Therefore, I need my girlfriends, too.
Oh I totally agree that I also need my friend and family. And I'm lucky to have them as well.
I just noticed that when I was with my ex-boyfriend (and I also had my family and friends) I was at my highest level of personal fulfillment.
I agree, I do need the whole social network. I only brought it up because some people seem to imply that one should be happy with friends and family alone and though I've been trying, I still feel a huge void.
Love addiction? Is that actually a real thing?
Yes, I am definitely a person who loves to love and be loved. But I try to find good guys that wont hurt me; haven't found one yet.
>>I only brought it up because some people seem to imply that one should be happy with friends and family alone and though I've been trying, I still feel a huge void.<<
Does that assertion usually come from people who have a significant other?
I get that from people as well, and it's come up on this forum a few times. I do believe you can learn to be content with your life in the moment -- and in this moment, I am without a significant other. I am content/happy, but don't see my life as staying this way forever and I certainly hope to include a SO in my life again at some point. There are some things that I can only find in a romantic relationship - and I definitely miss those. I think it's unfair of others to say what you should/should not be fulfilled by.
Just to throw in one more thought... I also think a huge portion of fulfillment comes from yourself. Friends, family, significant others, career -- you can have all of those and STILL not feel fulfilled. At some point, you need to get the core of what you need from within, and then you are better able to connect with that larger network.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
Yes, and it's usually closely identified with co-dependency. There's even a board on IV focused on this topic. The book "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood is one of the leading works on the issue.
But if you are choosing good guys and not staying with not-so-good ones just to be in a relationship, then you're probably not a love addict. It was just that use of an addict-like term, "crazy high", that caused me to ask.
Sheri