8 years 10 months and 16 days
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 01-20-2006 - 5:20pm |
That's how long we've been in each other's lives.
Not solely committed the entire time.
But pretty much intending to be "together".
I've tried to end it, for one reason or another (some of them my deficits when it comes to relationships), probably 30 times (maybe more) over the almost 9 years.
I've always ended up back with him. Familiarity, comfort of the known, companionship and the fact that I do love him, always send me back.
He's never ended things but when I try to walk away I do believe he can see the reasons to let things end. He's asked me to marry him (even recently). It's never a big-production proposal, it's a "let's get married", type of thing. I can't say yes; because, although I love him, he's my best friend and I know without a doubt he'd always be there for me, I often feel lonely with him. There are a few "big" reasons to not be together and a thousand tiny ones. One big one: our relationship has never been a top priority for him.
And yet, here I am missing him after only a week. He's not calling. It's for the better that he isn't, maybe the chain can finally be broken; so why does it hurt that he's not calling and why would I want for such a thing if what I think I want is for it to be over?
Confused, I am!
Anyone here understand what I'm going through? Anyone have any great advice? haha
Thanks.
Edited 1/20/2006 5:23 pm ET by iwillbthere4u

Pages
Keep up with the no contact thing.
Thanks for the reply, cl. I've managed to maintain no contact so far, but it's getting harder. I miss him and ofcourse the reasons not to are getting fainter!
Thanks again for the reply.
Oh, yes I can relate. I was with someone for 5 years who also did not make our relationship a priority. He told me months after we broke up that he had always been "keeping his options open." Ouch.
It's been a year and a half since we broke up, and I can tell you I still have days that I miss him. Knowing someone so well, being his best friend, and then having that be gone from your life is very difficult.
I can also tell you that I am better off not having him in my life now. It does get better with time. It makes you stronger.
If you know in your heart it was not right, then it will be better in the long run. You have to let yourself be sad and grieve right now, because it is a huge loss. When you make it through that grieving, you will feel better. Also remember that it is ok to remember the good things, and honor the memories with him. You can still love someone who is not in your life and wish him well, but also know that he is not necessarily good for you.
Hang in there, and I wish you much luck. Feel free to message me privately if you'd like a sympathetic ear.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
Thank you tallgirl. I might have to take you up on that private messaging as the pain is still very raw right now and I don't/can't turn to my "best friend" with it!
I just wonder after 8+ years how long it will take me to grieve the loss, I did kinda grieve over the relationship while IN the relationship so, maybe that will cut down on my grieving time. I hope!
Thanks again, I'm sure I'll be pulling this post up to read over and over again!
>>I did kinda grieve over the relationship while IN the relationship so, maybe that will cut down on my grieving time. I hope!<<
I did the same thing -- I grieved while we were still together. By the time it ended, I was just so relieved to have an answer and not be in limbo anymore. So, for me, I felt 90% better (honestly) after about 2-3 months. He contacted me 8 months after we broke up with a barrage of letters, e-mails, etc. trying to get me back.
I didn't ever give in to seeing him, but that set me back a bit. Of course, I have bad moments, but I am 100% certain that it was the right thing to end it.
The best thing you can do now is give yourself space and time to grieve, and also make sure you don't contact him.
Feel free to write ANY TIME. I know how hard this is. (As do many of the ladies on the board).
AJ, enjoying life with C.
8 years and 3 months, that how long I was with my ex boyfriend before he admitted that he was unsure of a future with me and we broke up. He got engaged 6 months later to a new girl and one year after our breakup (and one of the hardest times in my life) he married her.
That was the fall of 2004 and as much as I'd hate to admit it outloud, I still think about him, miss him, miss the relationship and grieve the loss of my greatest love relationship so far.
I wish I knew the words to comfort you but I'm still learning myself how to forget him, forget the pain and not miss or crave hat I cannot have anymore. Time does help, but I find it also helps to talk to people about it. Stay active and try to involve yourself in fun new things to distract yourself. Sometimes it works (I have dozens of new friends and activities), but it won't always.
Big hugs to you and feel free to express yourself here. That's what I've been doing to.
Wow CL, my heart goes out to you. Like I said, while my ex (<-? :( ) never said he didn't want to be with me or ever end things, he isn't calling now so, what does that say? I can't imagine the pain you've had to endure, makes mine feel less than. I will literally die if I hear the ex gets married within a year. It will kill me.
Do you regret that things ended between you two? Was there anything about your relationship that wasn't "right", besides him not seeing a future with you, I guess that's enough huh? :( Sorry!
I'm having a very hard go of it still. It's like I'm empty inside, and yet I've still managed to maintain no contact. The fact that he has too, really hurts but I guess!? it's for the best!
Tallgirl, what you wrote really rang home for me. And I fear that's what my ex is thinking, he'll give it time and a few weeks from now try to come back around, that will just make me mad I think. To know he let time go by, that he thought things could just pick up again after no effort, as much as I'll want to hear from him and see him making an effort I fear it will not be well received. Effort should have been made the day of, the minute of! Oh well! Thanks again for your post! You two cl! It means alot to know I'm not alone!
I have this song ringing through my head today for some reason:
We Belong
Pat Benatar
We belong, we belong to the light
Many times I've tried to tell you
Many times I've cried alone
Always I'm surprised how well you
Cut my feelings to the bone
Don't want to leave you really
I've invested too much time
To give you up that easy
To the doubts that complicate your mind
Chorus:
We belong to the light
We belong to the thunder
We belong to the sound of the words
We've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace
For worse or for better
We belong, we belong
We belong together
Maybe it's a sign of weakness
When I don't know what to say
Maybe I just wouldn't know
What to do with my strength anyway
Have we become a habit
Do we distort the facts
Now there's no looking forward
Now there's no turning back
When you say
(Chorus)
Close your eyes and try to sleep now
Close your eyes and try to dream
Clear your mind and do your best
To try and wash the palette clean
We can't begin to know it
How much we really care
I hear your voice inside me
I see your face everywhere
Still you say
(Chorus)
"Do you regret that things ended between you two? Was there anything about your relationship that wasn't "right", besides him not seeing a future with you, I guess that's enough huh?"
I can't say I regret breaking up with him because after 8 years he should have been more sure he wanted to be with me and the proof was that he never came back and married someone else.
Also, because he grew apart from me. He went from being a fairly unreligious person to a devout Christian and wanted to marry the same, I'm agnostic. His newfound religion would have put a huge spoke in our relationship if we tried to make it work and it wouldn't have because I can't see myself ever converting.
Besides the last 2 months we were together, there were no other signs that he was unhappy. We picked out engagement rings the year before and made plans to move in together. We constantly talked about our future (home, kids, retirement growing old together) as if it were inevitable.
I think the whole experience has spoiled me terribly and made dating today twice as hard. He made me feel like the luckiest women on earth and now I can barely get a returned phone call from the guys I've met.
It's been 6 months since I found out he got married and it still haunts me to know she probably feels like the luckiest women on earth.
I know because I was there.
>>To know he let time go by, that he thought things could just pick up again after no effort, as much as I'll want to hear from him and see him making an effort I fear it will not be well received. Effort should have been made the day of, the minute of! <<
You are 100% right that the effort should be made the day of, the minute of. None of this crawling back to you after the reality of loneliness has set in for him. (Yes - when my ex did that to me, it was months later, and I was mad as h**l. He tried to use every tactic, every soft spot he knew I had, to get me to see him and I refused).
Those song lyrics brought tears to my eyes. That is exactly how it feels, isn't it? Wanting to hold on when you know you shouldn't.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
I am sorry that you are going through this right now. I have never been in a relationship that long (4 years was the longest), but I know how difficult it is after the break-up. It's like that person has become woven into the very fabric of your life, the daily things that you do as well as the big and important things. When they are gone, they leave a rend in your life where they were. One that's not easy to heal.
I agree that no contact is the best way to go. You said that the reasons for not contacting him are growing fainter. Just think - eventually the reasons that you stayed with him even when you knew it wasn't right will grow fainter too. It's just going to take time. But you should be proud of yourself for doing the difficult thing and leaving the safety and comfort of a relationship that you knew was not headed in the right direction.
Pages