The Exclusivity Talk
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| Mon, 08-07-2006 - 11:51am |
So, I've never had to have this talk before (never had the opportunity as most guys didn't last past a few weeks) but things have been going really well with the guy I am seeing now. We've been dating regularly for almost 5 months, seeing each other every week, staying over each other's places and communicating in between with plenty of reciprocal 'miss yous' and 'cant wait to see you's' and 'thinking of yous'. Where I wasn't sure before, I'm getting more attached to him and thinking of having the exclusivity within the next month or so.
I've never done this before and I'm not sure how to broach it so it seems less pressured and doesn't put him on the spot. Any suggestions or stories to share?
Just thinking of this is making me incredibly nervous, but I am prepared to walk and say goodbye if he doesn't feel the same.
Suggestions, please!

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Considering that you've been dating for 5 months now, imo i think it's the right time for the exclusivity talk. my suggestion would be just to bring it up casually and be yourself - talk from your heart. at this point, you really shouldn't feel like you have to defend your position, and your bf should accept it quite quickly.
good luck!
Quite quickly??
Actually I am afraid it will completely scare him away. I haven't run into too many guys that like putting labels on things, hearing the words 'commitment' or 'exclusive' so I'm looking for a good way to bring it up. Words to use to make it sound positive and not negative.
am i way off? when do most people talk or expect exclusivity in a relationship?
Could be a regional thing as in some parts exclusivity can be assumed, while in others, it cannot. Where I am, it can't be assumed and it something you have to discuss.
I don't think he's dating anyone else as he's with me on his days off (he works 2-3 jobs) and is always trying to see me, even when he's swamped. But I'm not too naive to consider that it means nothing and there may be a 'special friend' tucked away somewhere.
I was dating someone else about a month ago, but broke that off when I found out he was in love with another girl and rebounding on me.
I don't think there is a set time, that would vary from person to person. But with him, I only knew I wanted exclusivity and began to have real feelings for him in the past 2 months. He acts the same but I don't want to make any assumptions.
I hate that is has to be this way, but I don't make the rules.
In my past, the exclusivity happened naturally without having to discuss it.
However, I do think it might be a good idea to have the talk, since you're wondering about it. I think it can be as casual as saying "I haven't been seeing other people because I am really enjoying my time with you. Have you?"
That opens the discussion.
Try not to overthink his reaction. You know you want to be exclusive, right? So, it's better to know if he feels the same way than sit around and wonder. This is the next step in finding out if this guy is right for you, and I think 5 months is definitely the right time for that step.
Good luck. :)
AJ, enjoying life with C.
I think five months is definitely long enough to wait to have the talk.
"You do know (dont you?) that I have no interest in seeing anyone but you these days? I love where we are with one another and want to see where it goes"
Then wait 5, no ten seconds until he responds. I find that most women in this position talk too much or interrupt the man to try and help him. Try not to do this. Even if he stumbles, dont help him. He will feel better about himself and gain confidence with you if he gets his feelings out in the open with success! Guys in my experience are notoriously ard to read through body language after you bring these topics up. In fact I think sometimes their body language speaks the opposite of what they are actualy feeling and what they desire so you really have to let him get the words out - dont take any less than a fullhearted response whatever the answer may be!
Good luck
Wow, I can't imagine going that long without talking about it ;-). I wouldn't be able to handle it, frankly ;-).
I would just say something like, "you know, I've realized we've never talked about whether we are still dating other people. I'm not, how about you?" If he says he's not, then say something like, "do you feel comfortable with agreeing to date each other exclusively then and seeing how that goes?"
I am a firm believer that a guy who is scared off by a talk like that isn't a good match for you, anyway, if you're looking for a relationship that has the potential to be a serious LTR.
Sheri
"I would just say something like, "you know, I've realized we've never talked about whether we are still dating other people. I'm not, how about you?" If he says he's not, then say something like, "do you feel comfortable with agreeing to date each other exclusively then and seeing how that goes?"
I like that! I want to bring it it very casually and not make it seem like I'm asking for his hand in marriage, the keys to his car and his bank account number. I'm not even worried about the labels and status, I just don't want to find out later that he's met someone else and is madly in love. I just want to see how it goes.
I'm going to give it one more month, to feel things out and because I want to go to his upcoming show but I think that dialogue would work well.
Thanks!
One more month- that's all ya get!
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