In the past, I have also been really guilty of trying to view myself from the guy's perspective. As in "what's wrong with me that he doesn't like me?" I've gotten better about that in the past year or so, and I have let go of needing to know WHY a guy doesn't like me. The bottom line is, he doesn't - and that means he's just not the right one for me.
It's difficult to maintain optimism the more I date and the more guys turn out to be "just not the right one for me," but I only need ONE. One guy who IS right is out there - I believe it. heck - I believe there are more than one who could be right, but I just need to *meet* ONE.
Yep, yep, and yep. I haven't seen this book before, but not taking things personally in dating is one of the best lessons I've learned over the years (not that I don't still have my moments where I do, ha!). Mine came while reading "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills. And over and over I've found this to be true...that the reason things don't work out with a guy is rarely about *me* or something I did, it's about *him* and his issues. Something about me might trigger him but it's not *me* in the personal sense.
And this also pertains to one of the things that I say all the time on these boards--that you can't "scare off" a guy who's right for you. If something you say or do causes a guy to be scared off, then he's just not the right guy for you.
This article was great! Thanks for posting about it. I think I will try to follow this philosophy everytime I have a letdown in which I wasn't the right one for a man or it was the wrong timing. I'll just say "It's obviously him because who wouldn't want someone as great as me". At least then I'm not beating myself up over things that I can't control.
I think it's really smart to take the blame out of dating. It is really easy to waste a lot of time wondering, what's wrong with me? what did i do wrong? when it's doing just that - wasting time.
One of the reviews I read of the book from the link you gave may have taken the book a little to the extreme - the reviewer basically says the point of the book is to say, 'you're already perfect, and he's not, so don't worry about it.' now really, who's perfect? when we take blame from ourselves, i think we also ought to give the guys a break, too. he has issues, and we might, too. i know i do.
and just because we don't have anything to blame ourselves for after a lame date or a lame guy, for myself, i think i still have some responsibility. even if it's not my fault, i don't think it's worthless to see if there's something i can do better next time.
but from what i can see in your posts, sheri, you are an awesome woman who deserves better dating experiences than you're having at the moment, and you definitely deserve to shed your worries about it!
I just added it to my bn.com wish list...I'll let you know if I end up picking it up, and let me know what you think if you read it! One thing that I really need to work on is not worrying about how other people perceive me, at least stop worrying about what everyone thinks and stop blaming myself when something doesn't go my way.
In the past, I have also been really guilty of trying to view myself from the guy's perspective. As in "what's wrong with me that he doesn't like me?" I've gotten better about that in the past year or so, and I have let go of needing to know WHY a guy doesn't like me. The bottom line is, he doesn't - and that means he's just not the right one for me.
It's difficult to maintain optimism the more I date and the more guys turn out to be "just not the right one for me," but I only need ONE. One guy who IS right is out there - I believe it. heck - I believe there are more than one who could be right, but I just need to *meet* ONE.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
Yep, yep, and yep. I haven't seen this book before, but not taking things personally in dating is one of the best lessons I've learned over the years (not that I don't still have my moments where I do, ha!). Mine came while reading "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills. And over and over I've found this to be true...that the reason things don't work out with a guy is rarely about *me* or something I did, it's about *him* and his issues. Something about me might trigger him but it's not *me* in the personal sense.
And this also pertains to one of the things that I say all the time on these boards--that you can't "scare off" a guy who's right for you. If something you say or do causes a guy to be scared off, then he's just not the right guy for you.
Sheri
I think it's really smart to take the blame out of dating. It is really easy to waste a lot of time wondering, what's wrong with me? what did i do wrong? when it's doing just that - wasting time.
One of the reviews I read of the book from the link you gave may have taken the book a little to the extreme - the reviewer basically says the point of the book is to say, 'you're already perfect, and he's not, so don't worry about it.' now really, who's perfect? when we take blame from ourselves, i think we also ought to give the guys a break, too. he has issues, and we might, too. i know i do.
and just because we don't have anything to blame ourselves for after a lame date or a lame guy, for myself, i think i still have some responsibility. even if it's not my fault, i don't think it's worthless to see if there's something i can do better next time.
but from what i can see in your posts, sheri, you are an awesome woman who deserves better dating experiences than you're having at the moment, and you definitely deserve to shed your worries about it!
I just added it to my bn.com wish list...I'll let you know if I end up picking it up, and let me know what you think if you read it! One thing that I really need to work on is not worrying about how other people perceive me, at least stop worrying about what everyone thinks and stop blaming myself when something doesn't go my way.
Thanks for the link!