This is what I don't get...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
This is what I don't get...
12
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 11:10pm

Why is it that some people can go from one relationship to another with hardly any time in between, whereas others can't get a decent guy if their life depended on it? I have a friend who was with this guy for like 3 years, and granted, a lot of it was one sided, she did a lot of the work, was always making plans, always going to see him, etc., and he was adamant about never wanting to get married, etc., (then why are you with him, I'm wondering...) so they broke up and it was fine. She's with a new guy already, they met when she was still with her other guy, but she's pretty serious with this other guy now, after not even a month! He's going through a divorce and has kids, so it's not the ideal situation, but he treats her really well and she is really happy, but she's being cautious too, which I don't blame her. But it's not just her....I see it ALL the time, where me, the only guys I seem to meet and hit it off with, well, they seem great at first, and then after a month or so, we're not having sleepovers or keeping little things at one anothers place, but he's telling me that well, he's just not that into me. My friend said that maybe I just attract the ones that don't want anything serious or are jerks, etc., but I don't think I am, I know what I want, I know the kind of person I want, so why can't I have it? Why does everyone else around me seem to have someone in their life and I can't even get a guy to break up with me to my face?!?

It's just one of those nights....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 2:04am
I've wondered the same exact thing myself. I wouldn't call being in a rebound relationship though a good thing because almost always those relationships do not work because the people are in them for all the wrong reasons (to get over the previous person). But as far as wondering how some women can just attract all sorts of men and keep them interested and wanting a commitment, well, that issue still baffles me. I'm definately not one of those women or otherwise I wouldn't be here on this board :-)
I think it has A LOT to do with the vibes you are putting off really, even more than looks. I believe the women that can catch and keep all these men are super confident not only on the outside but the inside. They can stay in the present and have fun and don't have insecurities about wondering where the relationship is going and then the relationship just naturally goes in the direction they want. These women are good at communicating their needs and wants but doing it in a way that a man doesn't feel threatened and in a way that he understands. I think men can sense more than we think they can and even if we are very good at hiding our insecurities they pick up on them. I think the only way we can really keep the men that are worth our time and for them to want to commit to us then we have to really heal ourselves as much as we can inside so we don't doubt who we are, we do what we want without asking others so much for advice because we trust ourselves and we live life day to day without worrying what has happened in the past or what will happen in the future so much. No one is perfect but as long as we are completey secure in who we are and sure of ourselves even knowing that life will throw us some curve balls and that we aren't perfect and will make the wrong decisions sometimes, I think that is the key. Besides being this way benefits us first and foremost and then getting the man as a secondary benefit.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 9:54am

I used to be that way, back in the day when men were actually around and I met them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 11:19am
I have a couple friends like that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 12:36pm
The whole point is we don't want those men that are addicted to drama because they also have insecurities and don't value who they are. So better to weed out these kinds of guys early on and they can have the women that want to cause problems and be a b**ch. Let them have those kinds of women for all I care. They may not see it now but what's going to happen is that they'll eventually get tired of all that drama and they'll be unhappy in their relationships, then they'll seek out other women with the same kind of drama and it will be a cycle. I would like to believe that there are healthy guys out there who appeciate the women like us who are drama free but it just might be harder to find those guys.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 12:46pm

Well, look at the guys she's with!

If it were a matter of just finding a warm body to be with, I don't think many of us would have a problem with doing that. But frankly, I'd rather be alone than with just anyone.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 12:22am
You and me both Sheri. I was talking to a mutual friend of mine and hers today and he said "she's being stupid, she can't be alone", but he's looking out for her also, and he sees it happening with a LOT of his girlfriends, they are with someone just because they don't know how to be alone. Him and I are similar, we'd rather be alone then in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere....it's just annoying sometimes, I guess I'm just going through a blah moment, but this too shall pass :) Why waste your time with someone that doesn't interest you just because you don't want to spend a night alone? Sorry, but I'd rather not waste the time getting ready and just rent a movie ;)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 9:33am

>Why is it that some people can go from one relationship
>to another with hardly any time in between

Some people are happy as long as they have "A Man" or "A Woman" by their side and will take what they get rather than be single.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2006
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 10:50pm

This is exactly what I've been thinking lately!!!

I just had a breakup from a relationship that did not last 3 months. Now I think 3 month is my magic number--no matter how nice they started, they just could not last 3 months.

Also I know this girl who is really a mean-spirit, bad-tempered, selfish person (not just my opinion, since all my friends who know her are saying the same about her). Her husband is actually a total gentleman, and treats her like a queen. They've been married for 5 years, I think.

I've been thinking about whether I am a jerk magnet and what's wrong with me. I guess one reason is the lack of confidence. Although sometimes I appear to be confident and fun, deep in my heart I know I have confidence issues. So I did not trust my judgement, and I fell too easily for the guys who do not deserve me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 12:30am

Rebainmi,

My cousin was one of those women who jumped from one man to another, actually it was more like overlapping because she cheated on every guy she was with. The reason why they can do it because they enter relationships and keep their options open so when a relationship ends, they have another person ready to fill that position. I think I am a very unique person and I don't want someone to look me and think I am that interchangeable. I could also never be in a relationship with one foot in and one foot out. However, the men she dates have little integrity and they aren't very high quality men or they are doormats who let her walk all over them. She met her match when she dated a guy who I believe she fell in love with but he didn't love her back and he cheated on her. She finally married a guy who was younger than her and had been friends with her for a few years. I said to him that she will break your heart and I can't believe he married her. His whole family hates her apparently. As for her, her biological clock was ticking and she married him on the rebound. As much she could get guys to go out with her, when it came down to it, not many of them wanted to marry her. I don't think you can compare yourself to others because unless you are in their shoes, you don't know what a relationship is really like. A lot of people are very good at pretending they are happy but the reality can be somewhat different. I agree with Cl-Shywon that people who jump from one relationship to another are needy and desperate. I don't find that I have a lot of the problems that most people encounter in relationships because there are certain things that I look for in a relationship and I make it a point of not being with someone who has a break in relationships for at least three months. I look at my cousin now and it's like she has lost her will to live. She had a miscarriage and was depressed for quite a while and she seems so miserable. She may be married with two children now and a devoted husband but I would never want to exchange my life for hers. She doesn't know what she has in him and she will never be happy.

Feisty

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 11:50am

I think you are very correct!! (message 2)

I recently read a very good article, it analyzed why some women can attract guys and make them commited. It's all about your independent emotions! I looked back on my relationships, why the ones I like always left me yet the ones I don't really like always stick with me, and compared on what I've done differently with those guys, I think I know the reasons. Because I don't really like those guys, I acted independently, yet with the guys I like I always worried to loose them, I always showed I need them, etc.

Anyway, the emotions play an important part!

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